it's been a while

hello again! well, a LOT has happened since my last post. wow. to make a long story short, my divorce (finally) became final. it had unnecessarily dragged on and on for almost a year - and if you count everything that happened before that, almost two years. i had very mixed emotions on closing that volume of my life. of course, with three children together, we must still communicate.

i never in a million years thought i would ever get divorced. it was a complete shock to my system, and by far the most devastating thing i have ever experienced. i am grateful, though. i have learned and grown so much from this. i have connected with people i may never have come across without this tragedy. most importantly, my testimony has sky-rocketed and in the best way imaginable, i will never be the same again.

amazingly, many blessings have come forth through this. the greatest one of all - i fell in love with my best friend. jim is the greatest man i have ever known (aside from my own father, of course). he loves the Lord, he cherishes me, he adores my children as if they were his own. he is an able provider, always willing to help, thoughtful, loving, kind and generous. he is gentle and peaceful. he is a calming influence in my life...so needed after the turbulent experience i have endured. i believe with all my heart he is the answer to my prayers. i know my Father in Heaven was watching over us all and brought us together.

on december 8th, he proposed outside of the seattle temple. we were just walking around the grounds with the children. jim kept admiring the statues and commenting on them. i saw him lingering next to the statues of a man and a woman, so i walked over.


he looked at me and said, "i think they are getting engaged." that's when i looked down and saw a breath-taking ring, sitting right between the statues.


he called the children over to witness this moment, got down on one knee and proposed. it was a beautiful moment and none of us (well, maybe jenna and james) will ever forget it.

jim is very much the male version of me. for all who know me well, you'll know exactly what he is like. he's goofy, passionate about so many things, giving, committed, silly, cheesy....oh, how we love to laugh!! he is my best friend and more. i am ridiculously happy, grateful and content.

we had a wonderful christmas and look forward to a very happy new year. 2008 will no doubt bring about many exciting changes. a new marriage. perhaps even...another baby? i will keep you all posted. *smile*

relief society broadcast

i was able to find a last-minute babysitter so i could attend the relief society dinner and broadcast. i took six pages of notes and had a fabulous time, and i just have to write about it!

i didn't go with anyone, so i was a bit nervous to enter the cultural hall and find it abuzz with women chatting at every table. thankfully, i spotted women from my ward at a long table in the center of the room, and made my way over. everyone turned and smiled and since there were no more seats available, they encouraged me to grab a chair from another table and pull it up the end - which i did.

oh, it felt amazing to have this much-needed break from children and be surrounded by friends in the gospel. i was excited to finally have some adult conversation and looked forward to hearing the uplifting messages from the broadcast.

the tables were beautifully set (as they always are) and dinner was delicious! we had these chicken & cheese crepes with a YUMMY salad that had apples, pears and craisins. my friends and i enjoyed the food as we got caught up on one another's lives, laughed about random things and cracked up as we scoped the room for more cheesecake.

after a delicious and enjoyable meal, we all headed like cattle into the chapel. haha..."mooooo!" well, i thought it was funny, anyway. there was still over half an hour before it was to start, so we (like everyone else) chatted and giggled until after about twenty minutes, when a musical slideshow began. it was a nice relief, from the noise of talkative women. i have to admit, i felt somewhat uncomfortable by the noise level in the chapel. i just feel it should be much quieter than that.

the slideshow began. all wards contributed photos for the slideshow, of various enrichment nights, activities and basically anything that showed what relief society was all about. it was exciting to suddenly see my sister on the big screen. i nudged my friends and said, "that's my sister!!" it was especially fun to see photos from my own ward, since the faces from other wards are so unfamiliar to me. i was in one of the photos - from a "lunch bunch" we had last year at the mexican restaurant, azteca. i vividly remember that day. my divorce was still very fresh and i cried through most of my lunch. *sigh* many of the women i met that day were strangers to me. today, those women are close friends.

when the slideshow ended, there were only a few minutes left - then the broadcast began. president hinckley and thomas s. monson were present. i thought that was so cool.

i love when the saints gather like this. it felt so amazing to sing together. it's nothing like singing hymns with the ward. it was very loud and clear - and so sweet. it was like a chorus of angels (which i am sure sounds even better). i just love voices booming beautifully, in unison like that!

julie beck, the general relief society president, spoke first. she spoke on the duties and values of the relief society. first, we must have faith. we must keep our covenants, share the gospel, hold family home evening, learn self-reliance and hold personal and family prayer and scripture study. these are the marks of true discipleship. second, she spoke on family. we are to uphold, nourish, defend and protect the family unit. we must respect the priesthood, nurture family members, perform temple ordinances, and defend the divine roles of women. the world would have us believe that our roles are indispensable. but the world offers only counterfeit happiness. we are to preserve our potential as daughters of God. i love how sister beck said, "families are work. we are not afraid of work." third, the relief society is about giving relief. we are to lift others up, lighten their burdens. we need to serve others as the Lord's disciples. we are truly His hands on the earth. we provide relief of all kinds - relief from physical strain, emotional pain, financial hardships, loneliness, and so forth. we must provide relief from all that would hinder joy and progression. we can assist the Lord by helping others. it's as simple as kneeling in prayer and asking, "Lord, who has need of me?"

our dear prophet, gordon b. hinckley, has said that "we have a greater challenge than we realize." the relief society is here to give relief from the storms of life. "there is a better way, than the way of the world" gordon b. hinckley also said.

silvia allred, first counselor of the general relief society presidency, spoke next. she spoke of relieving the poor and saving souls. she referred to john 21:15-17 when jesus said again and again, "lovest thou me? feed my sheep."

she spoke of the importance of visiting teaching and the great impact it can have on women's lives. the giver and the receiver are both edified through genuine and consistent visiting teaching efforts. we must serve gladly, with a joyful and willing heart.

barbara thompson, 2nd counselor of the general relief society presidency, spoke third. she talked about what is happening to families today. as a social worker, she sees a great deal of the sadness which comes from troubled families. the world would have us believe that moral values are silly and old-fashioned. we are enticed with the "easy life" - free of hard work and responsibility. the world teaches us that a mother and a father are unnecessary - that the family unit does not matter. then, she spoke about what distinguishes stable families from dysfunctional ones. stable families know who they are and have clear goals and values. within stable families, work and prayer are taught by example. parents read to and with their children, there is family time, forgiveness and patience.

this life is not easy. however, the Savior of the world knows how we feel. he has been through it. he has felt what we have felt. in matthew, chapter 11, it reads:

28 Come unto me, all ye that labour and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest.

29 Take my yoke upon you, and learn of me; for I am meek and lowly in heart: and ye shall find rest unto your souls.

30 For my yoke is easy, and my burden is light.

the Lord will help us. isaiah 41:10 reads, "Fear thou not; for I am with thee: be not dismayed; for I am thy God: I will strengthen thee; yea, I will help thee; yea, I will uphold thee with the right hand of my righteousness."

thomas s. monson spoke last. i love him!! he was so funny. he acknowledged all the women in the conference center as well as all the women watching the broadcast around the world. he realized, "i'm in the minority - i must be careful on my comments." of course, there was an appreciative boom of laughter from us. he also said something about a woman who asked a bookstore employee where she could find a book entitled, "men: master of women." the bookstore employee replied, "try the fiction section." haha!

president monson said it is imperative that we do three things: study diligently, pray earnestly, and serve willinging.

study diligently
D&C 88: 118 reads, "And as all have not faith, seek ye diligently and teach one another words of wisdom; yea, seek ye out of the best books words of wisdom; seek learning, even by study and also by faith."

scripture study helps our families. children must have a firm foundation or else they are susceptible to worldly influences. sadly, children are being educated by the media. president monson said children watch four hours of television each day - most often full of violence and sexuality. on top of those four hours are additional hours playing video games and so forth. scary!!

2 Ne. 9:28 reads, "O that cunning plan of the evil one! O the vainness, and the frailties, and the foolishness of men! When they are learned they think they are wise, and they hearken not unto the counsel of God, for they set it aside, supposing they know of themselves, wherefore, their wisdom is foolishness and it profiteth them not. And they shall perish."

we must not take this lightly. the adversary is real. he is powerful and cunning. even the strongest can fall. if we study diligently, we arm ourselves against the adversary and can weather the storms that come our way. knowledge is power!

pray earnestly
D&C 19:38 reads, "Pray always, and I will pour out my Spirit upon you, and great shall be your blessing—yea, even more than if you should obtain treasures of earth and corruptibleness to the extent thereof."

with prayer, we are able to resist temptations. what a wonderful thing! if only everyone did this!

president monson said, "do not pray for tasks equal to your abilities, pray for abilities equal to your tasks." how true! how are we to ever grow if we do not allow challenges to send us into the refiner's fire? we can make it through anything, if we pray for strength to overcome and get through those adversities.

serve willingly
we need to be observant and act upon those promptings we receive. so many acts of service can be small to us, but a big deal to the person receiving that service. we forget that even something as simple as a smile can make a huge difference. yes, even a genuine smile can be an act of service!

here's a cute story i liked: president monson said one sister was up in the middle of the night with her children. she was very tired and worn out. a kind sister across the street told her she had seen her lights on in the middle of the night and knew she must have been up with her children. this sweet sister offered to take her children for a few hours so she could take a nap. grateful, this woman accepted. of course, later she realized that if that sister had seen her lights on in the middle of the night, that must have meant her neighbor was up in the middle of the night with her children, too!! i thought that was a funny story.

we need to think more of others and less of ourselves. truly, when we focus on others, our problems can diminish. they can sometimes even go away. if we lose ourselves in serving others, we can find ourselves. what a beautiful thing!

i am so grateful for the relief society broadcast i attended. i am so thankful to be a member of the relief society and be surrounded by such incredible women. what a wonderful organization!

grandma benson

i was unable to attend my grandma's funeral in california. i wish i had a picture of her to post on here. i just have these photos from the funeral. i didn't know her as well as my mother's mother, but i do have fond memories of visiting her at her home in tulare when i was younger. she was a sassy lady and deeper into geneology than most mormons i know - and she wasn't even a member (yet)!



these are the flowers my siblings and i contributed.

this is love

43 years of marriage - 6 children - 17 grandchildren (and more to come, i'm sure!)

happy anniversary (9/26) to my awesome parents!!!

1964


1990


2007

weekend tid bits

i am sewing again - i love eeet!! i really miss creating things. i am also going to try getting back into making cards and scrapbooking. it's been too long. friday night, after dropping the kids off with their dad, i treated myself to a fun night! after doing some fun things for myself, i ended up finishing this baby wall quilt i had started a couple weeks ago. i was up til 2am, stitching the binding on and watching wild hogs (which is an okay movie with tons of unnecessary junk in it, inserted for a cheap laugh - me no likey!). anyway, here it is! i mailed it today and i hope they enjoy it...



i didn't think going to bed so late would be an issue, since i had no children to wake me up! i could sleep in - yessss! um, no. the phone rang after just five hours of sleep. it was a good friend of mine who is having a difficult time in her marriage. i told her to call me anytime, so i listened as she told me everything that has been going on. she'd caught her husband with pornography a few times, early in their marriage. sadly, she recently found out that he's continued looking at pornography, and hiding it, for the past seven years. my heart hurt for her, because i can relate. we talked for a couple hours and then she needed to make lunch and i needed to get ready for the day.

i had byutv on in the backround, as i got ready. there was a women's conference on at the time. after a short time, that ended, and another program began. it was on pornography. it was one of the best "talks" on pornography that i have ever known (and believe me, i have done my research!). it was truly excellent and i wanted my friend to know about it. i discovered the transcript HERE. so, if you are personally dealing with this addiction or know someone who is, i highly recommend reading it in its entirety. pornography is extremely addicting, destructive and insidious. i have come to know many, many divorced and divorcing women and pornography seems to be at the core of their failed marriages. pornography greatly distorts men's views on their marriages, womanhood, and intimacy. in their shame, they withdraw from involving themselves in meaningful relationships and use their addiction as an escape from feeling negative emotions, such as anger, sadness, boredom and stress. rather than deal with these emotions, they turn to pornography for a quick fix. however, this quick fix only makes dealing with life much more difficult. here is a piece from the talk:

"[Pornography is] like pouring water down a hill: initially the water takes several different paths; but as more water is poured, certain channels are engraved into the hillside, and as more water is poured it consistently follows a set path. As pornography is used to escape from anxiety, boredom, fear, loneliness, sadness, hurt, anger, or shame, it’s like pouring water down the consistent path, so the automatic escape route from these feelings is an activity that channels the brain even further. Cellular memory groups where images are stored will always be there to beckon back to the computer screen. And they further constrain the brain’s ability to consider alternative actions and paths."

this talk is really, really interesting because it explains the way men's brains function, and how pornography can actually change its chemical makeup. that is very scary!! anyway, enough on this subject. go read the talk - it is VERY good, and VERY important. this problem is so prevalent. i believe it is one of the adversary's greatest tools in destroying marriages and families. it's working. the best thing we can do is educate ourselves and our families about this, while avoiding it all costs.

so, i left the house much later than i thought i would, due to the morning phone call and listening to the talk while getting ready. the timing of things is really interesting. because of my late start, i arrived at the bishop's storehouse later than i originally intended. as i stood at the counter, i overheard two of the women discussing child support issues. i interjected myself into their conversation and they happily included me. then another woman walked in and seemed interested in what we were talking about. later, as i was finishing up my food order, the woman that had come in after me said, "hey, we are exchanging numbers!" how cool! we four ladies all have divorce in common. kinda funny how it immediately bonds people. divorce is such a devastating thing, especially when you are not the one who wants it. it helps to have people to talk to, who have "been there, done that." i have met the most amazing women who have endured so much heartache because of their spouse's poor use of agency. sadly, we are vulnerable to be adversely affected by other people's bad choices. however, we can use these difficult times as opportunities and we can meet amazing people we may never have met, had we not gone through the adversity. life is beautiful and painful. i am grateful for the blessings of peaks and valleys. if we didn't have those low times, we could never truly appreciate those moments when we soar. life is rich with experiences and i welcome it all - the good and the bad. i am thankful for a loving Father in Heaven who knows me, better than i know myself. surely He knew i was ready for this trial. He knew i could handle it. i am His daughter - what a blessing, to know that!

it is also such a blessing to bring my children back home. they are healthy, they are happy, they are whole. what an honor, to be their mother. after i bathed the children and put james and jenna to bed, i let jessica stay up with me. it is good for us, to have these mommy-daughter times. she has definitely been affected most, by the breaking up of our family. sometimes she says, "mama, remember when..." and then she'll tell me a painful memory from last year. she remembers me crying, she remembers my husband being gone all the time. my heart breaks for her. my parents are still together after all these years. i am sad that my daughter will never know what it's like to have her two biological parents, united and happy, her whole life through. i am so determined to provide her with the best possible home i can, and teach her those important values that will see her through difficult times and assist her in decision-making. i worry about her, most of all, because she knows the most. so we stayed up and talked as we played uno. we laughed about silly things and just had a great time. i listened as she told me about school, her memories, her feelings about the divorce, and her weekend with her dad. she tells me about her hopes for the future and about what she thinks of the past. i always want her to feel comfortable with me, to confide in me and know she can tell me anything. after uno, we went upstairs and talked some more on my bed. then, we read scriptures. i had her read d&c 122:7. she did a fantastic job, too! we talked about adversity and agency. we discussed what she can do if she is faced with something difficult. we talked about her options, when it comes time to make a decision about something. i appreciate these opportunities to converse with my daughter, to teach her, to listen and to share. it was a really wonderful night.

my weekend was great! i accomplished a lot,
i had a lot of fun, i enjoyed my FREEDOM,
and i loved having the children back with me again.

oh! and i almost forgot something!
my most favorite jeans that always fit me so perfectly
- "sweet jeans" -
were on sale today. they were only $3.74, people!!!
YEAH, BABY!!
and with that, i bid you all adeiu
(or however it's spelled).

somehow, mother goose knew...

i see the moon,
and the moon sees me,
and the moon sees somebody
i want to see.

God bless the moon,
and God bless me,
and God bless the somebody
i want to see.

my two cents on fashion

a person isn't shallow simply because they enjoy fashion and dress well. i think it depends on the individual. you could have two people wearing the exact same trendy outfit and they could be having totally different attitudes about what they are wearing. one might be arrogant and want everyone to take notice while the other person simply saw the outfit and thought it was nice. it's wrong for the fashionable people to pass judgement on those that don't keep up with the latest trends, are poor, or don't know how to match. however, it also wrong for those that could care less about fashion (or can't afford nice things) to judge the people who enjoy shopping for clothes and wearing the latest styles. both the people who "dress for success" and the people who could care less are arrogant and shallow when they have a judgemental attitude.

let's face it - whether we like it or not, people do judge by appearances. i think we've all done it. i know i have. i think sometimes it is necessary and other times, it is flat out wrong. for example, i am more likely to hire a clean cut female teenager to watch my children than some 40 year old male biker. it is possible that the biker might be a better babysitter than the nice-looking teenage girl, but hey - we do often go by impressions, don't we?

as parents, wouldn't we be more leery of our children hanging out with the kids that have tattoos and wear black all the time - as opposed to the kids that dress modestly and seem well-behaved? what we wear does send messages, whether we like it or not.

there was a girl i went to high school with that had a really bad reputation. she wore suggestive clothing and had a large chest. guys were always around her. i, like everyone else, thought she was "easy." well, i ended up in a class with her later on, and i got to know her. she was a total virgin. her appearance said otherwise.

i also knew a guy that dressed pretty strange. he was a loner. he wore combat boots, fish net stockings, had piercings, wore eyeliner, and had a crazy red mohawk. everyone had their assumptions about him. he was a bad guy, he was looney, he was scary. well, i had the opportunity to get to know him as well and he was the sweetest guy. he was quiet, talented, and kind. who'd have thought? his clothing didn't seem to say that.

in the lds Church, our missionaries are clean cut and modest. missionaries come from all walks of life. they listen to different kinds of music and have different personal styles. so why is it that they are out serving, they all look alike? they are representing the Lord! i wonder how many would still be drawn to the gospel if our missionaries dressed in their own personal styles and no rules applied?

we may say we should be able to dress however we like and not be judged whatsoever, but that is arrogant and unrealistic. i say it is arrogant because many people seem to automatically assume they are being judged. it's like they already have a chip on their shoulder when it comes to fashion. they are irritated that people judge and yet they themselves are passing their own kind of judgement. it's really interesting to me.

i've known some people who were less popular in school, some poor and some simply didn't have any fashion sense. a few of these people have such an extreme dislike for fashion because there is pain in their school years that relates to this. they might remember being judged harshly and treated badly by the popular, rich kids...and so they go into adulthood with a massive chip on their shoulder, as if fashion is to blame. but it's not fashion - it's those individuals that were wrong. just because someone grew up poor does not automatically make others wrong for enjoying shopping for clothes and dressing well. that's ridiculous!

there is that popular phrase stating that "clothes makes the man." however, an excellent point has been made, that the Savior of the world was expected by many to come in fine clothing that a king would be expected to wear. however, He arrived in apparel most humble. but we can also read about wealthy men who dressed very fine, and were righteous men. no, it doesn't matter what is on the outside. after all, you can't take it with you, right?

everyone has their own ideas about what it attractive. to me, a clean cut man who dresses "GQ" commands attention. this doesn't mean the guy is a good guy, true. but what if there is a really good man who also dresses well? what a catch, i say!! now, i would much rather be with a good man that was fashion-challenged than the GQ jerk. absolutely!! i want lasting qualities...the whole eternal package! and if he allows me to help him dress in a way that enhances how handsome he already is, that is awesome!

perception can be frustrating and even far from the truth, but it's there. and there is nothing wrong with having some fashion sense. what's the matter with learning how to match and dressing for one's body type? nothing!! there is no arrogance in it, unless the individual is arrogant. i think this subject can be argued well on both sides. first impressions are real but we also need to get to know people. my brain is all over the place right now, so i feel like this is the most disorganized blog ever. oh well. this fashion topic was bugging me so i wanted to get it out of my head so i can better enjoy my evening. *smile*

me? i love to shop for clothes. i like my children to wear cute outfits. i know that kids can be cruel. i am not going to dress them poorly just to prove a point. i want my children to be stylish but also modest. i want them to have good fashion sense. i have been trying to teach my daughter how to match colors and styles. i am not going to send her off to school in some strange outfit when i know that kids can be insensitive. i want her to focus on her education. i think the kids that dress strangely might have a more difficult time concentrating in school if kids give them a hard time.

i also enjoy buying clothes for myself. this is actually a new thing. i have wanted to get a whole new wardrobe because all the clothes in my closest had been purchased by my soon-to-be-ex-husband. i guess you could say my clothes shopping was symbolic. anyway, putting on new clothes can feel really great. i don't think it should be a crutch - meaning, clothes should not always determine one's happiness. but i do think that dressing nice can help put a little bounce in someone's step.

i remember reading an article a long time ago about a battered woman's shelter. many of these women and their children were poor and wore old, mis-matched clothing. they gave these women a chance to get brand new clothes for themselves and their children. they also gave them makeovers. this really boosted their self confidence! i think it is wonderful when people dress in such a way that helps them feel good about themselves and feel happy.

if i am wearing some sloppy outfit, have no makeup on and my hair is not done, i definitely feel differently than if i was wearing a nice outfit, i was having a good hair day and my makeup looked nice. i don't think there is anything wrong with that.

well, enough of this. i have plans tonight!!

accident

early this week, i was heading home after dropping jasmine off at her mom's work. the thought came into my mind that i should run an errand while i was out, so i did. after the errand, i was nearing home when i saw that the main road was blocked off. there were flares on the ground and police cars everywhere. it's a T intersection, so we had no choice but to turn right. i drove down the road then turned around. as we passed the scene again, i thought i saw a vehicle with a smashed front end, but i wasn't sure. i had no idea how to get home from the other direction, but we ended up having a really nice, scenic drive. amazingly, i made turns at all the right places because we got home right away. luckily, my street was not blocked off as i thought it might be. the flares blocked the main road just after the entrance to my cul de sac.

i wondered what had happened. i wondered if i would have been involved in whatever happened, if i had shrugged off my errand and went straight home. it gives me chills, just thinking about it. family came over that night to give my daughter a priesthood blessing for the first day of school, and a blessing for me as well. the road was still blocked off when they came. after they went home and i put my children to bed, i could still see police lights flashing through the trees, from my bedroom window. i started to feel scared. my mind wandered. what if it hadn't been a car accident? what if there was some bad person on the loose or holding someone hostage? my imagination runs wild at night! it was difficult to fall asleep.

well, the week went on and the road opened up again. on wednesday, i passed the area and noticed a small gathering of flowers and balloons on the side of the road. that is when i realized someone had died that day. i wondered who it was. i wondered if it was more than one person. i wondered if it could have been me or my children. i felt very sad for the people that lost a loved one.

the pile of balloons and flowers by the side of the road has continued to grow. i figured the person that died must have been a motorcyclist because i kept seeing other motorcyclists visiting the site. it's very sad. it also feels strange, knowing that someone died right on the other side of the trees, near my backyard.

as i passed the site again this evening, i decided to go home and run a search on-line, to see if i could find out what happened. i found this:

Car hits, kills man who fell from motorcycle

THE NEWS TRIBUNE Published: September 4th, 2007 01:00 AM

A motorcyclist died late Monday afternoon after he fell from his vehicle on Dash Point Road and was hit by an oncoming car.
The driver was described by a Federal Way Police spokesman as a man in his 20s who recently left the military.

About 4:50 p.m., the motorcyclist was headed south when he crossed the center line in the 4700 block of Dash Point Road. As he slid along the roadway, he collided with a car driven by a woman in her 40s. The woman was not injured.

The motorcyclist died at the scene. The police spokesman said alcohol and drugs did not appear to be a factor. The accident investigation forced the closure of the road, which was not expected to reopen until early today.

Jeffrey P. Mayor, The News Tribune

i don't like motorcycles.

[later] my goodness - i just realized that i left the house at about 4:50pm that day. i must have barely missed it, thank goodness. i hope i am never involved in a bad accident.

my treat

i had a terrible day, yesterday. it had been a long and difficult day with the children, and then i had a nasty confrontation with alien (my soon-to-be-ex-husband). it was over the phone and the kids didn't hear it. to top it all off, it was his night to have the children. i put on a strong and confident front, but as soon as they drove out of sight, i went into the house and fell apart. it's very difficult to deal with such adversity then come into an empty house. i needed someone to talk to. the person i most wanted to speak with is the one person i can't speak to right now, so i called my parents. it was good to vent a little, and then they had to go.

i went out to the backyard and sat on the bench swing. it is so peaceful and beautiful there, and i am so very grateful for it. it's times like these that i need peace more than ever. i didn't want to wallow in my anger and sadness, so after about ten minutes of swinging and pondering, i grabbed my scriptures and left to go for a drive.

i drove by my church building. i was hoping someone would be there so i could go inside and read. for some reason, i just wanted to be there. no one was there, so i continued on. i drove past gino's the italian restuarant i always drive by but have never been to. i made a mental note to try that place out someday. i ran a couple errands and was about to drive past gino's again. this time, i turned into the parking lot and went inside. i was really hungry and decided to treat myself. it had been an awful day - lots of sadness, lots of challenges. i told myself i deserved it, so i bought some food and took it home.

i laid out a picnic for myself in the beautiful backyard. it was just enough to lift my spirits. the food was insanely delicious - gnocci in red sauce, caesar salad, bread and orange soda. holy cow, that was the most divine gnocci EVERRRR. the guy made the sauce for me from scratch (it better be from scratch, at that price!). the only thing that would have topped this experience would be if i had a certain someone to share it with. i made another mental note: take him to gino's, first chance i get. *smile*



i wish i would have saved some gnocci for today's lunch, but i was way too greedy last night. *yummy!!*

james: puzzle master

james has shown a recent interest in puzzles, and he's getting really good at it! i love to sit back and observe as he figures it out on his own. when he completes a puzzle, he beams with pride and we high five - then it's onto the next one!

where'd my little gloworm go?

right after jessica was born, we put a knitted hat on her head and wrapped her snugly in a receiving blanket. with her big, blinking eyes and round, squishy cheeks, she looked exactly like the gloworm doll i had when i was little.

now, almost seven years later, she is a first grader. *sigh* she is so beautiful, inside and out. i am so pleased with her.

camera happy james

james is becoming quite the photographer! sure, i cropped this one - but still! it's nice to be in some of the family photos, you know?

sneaky jenna

just goes to show you...a lot can happen in three seconds.

1st day of school!!

it's been quite a day! jessica began 1st grade and mckenna returned to us after being gone all summer (her mom is a kindergarten teacher). after a special breakfast, i buckled all five kiddos in the van and we drove to the end of our street, where jessica's bus would pick her up. we were the only ones waiting, so i was nervous that the bus had already come. still, we were early according to the bus schedule, so we took pictures as we waited.

jessica looks so cute today, in her new school outfit. she insisted on a side ponytail, because apparently, that's what all the cool girls do! i added a red ribbon for flare. she looks great! i think a cute, new outfit will help her confidence today, as she begins first grade at a brand new school - twin lakes elementary. her teacher is ms. milliron and it's a 1st/2nd grade split class. i was in a 1st/2nd grade split when i was in the first grade, too - i thought that was cool. i hope she'll be able to do really well, being in a class with older students. it can be a positive thing!

a bus passed us on the street, going in the opposite direction. i knew right away that it was her bus and that she was the last stop on the route. there was no one else around, so i propped my camera on a nearby tree and put it on timer. i wish i had a better photo of jessica and i together on her first day - oh well. i do what i can.

i had the four little ones sitting buckled in the van as we waited for the bus. when it came into view, everyone got really excited!! i introduced jessica to the bus driver, stacy, and we had a brief chat. then, i hopped into the van and followed it to the school (as discreetly as possible).

at twin lakes elementary, the parking lot was PACKED. i was so sad that i couldn't park anywhere. it would have been so nice to get out with the four children and wait with jessica at her classroom. however, i was able to stop briefly in the drop off zone and saw jessica get off the bus. i waved to her - she smiled, waved back, then continued on to her classroom. i am so pleased with her, and so excited for her. i also felt really nervous!! i am such a mom...

after that, i ran a couple errands (such as dropping off my final project for class!) and then headed home. the kids loved the new play room set up. i got rid of all the junky, miscellaneous toys and added some activities that will stimulate their little brains. i have learned so much in my early childhood education classes, that i want to implement that knowledge here, at home. i have new blocks and puzzles, dramatic play items and so forth. it's wonderful!! when james came downstairs this morning and saw everything for the first time, he said, "mom, this is really beautiful." i so love him - what a cute little man!! i appreciate his kind words.

the kiddos are napping right now. i put them down early so we can get over to jessica's school extra early. i want to see her get on the correct bus and then follow her home. i can't wait to hear all about her first day!!!

no big surprise

it's labor day and the kids are supposed to be with their dad. he hasn't showed up. i left a few messages and he hasn't responded. i finally called his dad's house - sounds like he didn't even sleep there last night. i try to give the benefit of the doubt but it's really hard to believe this is anything other than plain old selfishness.

i had plans. as usual, i put them aside when he doesn't follow through. it's extremely frustrating. what's the point of having a parenting schedule if it's not adhered to? what's the point of making plans, when i have to continually cancel them? it's not fair to the children, its not fair to me, and it's not fair to the people i make plans with. there is really no way of enforcing the parenting schedule, either. if he chooses to be flaky and unreliable, i have no choice but to live with it.

so what should i do? not make plans? automatically assume that he is going to cancel or simply not show up?

i am battling feelings of anger and irritation. it's easier said, than done. what's really sad is that i've stopped telling the children that their dad is coming to pick them up because there have been too many disappointments and hurt feelings.

it's been over an hour. i suppose it's time to adjust my plans and figure something else out. when this happens, i always want to do something extra special and fun because my heart hurts for my children. i am grateful that they are so unaware.

educating ellen

having young children causes me to realize how little i know. for example, at the dinner table tonight, jessica asked me how telephones work. hmm. i blanked. i mean, i know the basics, but i still don't understand how someone in california can talk to someone in china. how on earth can our voices be heard, on the other side of the globe, in real time?? i don't understand television either - but it's pretty sweet that a mormon invented it!

our discussion at the dinner table quickly became trivia time as jessica and james asked me about satellites, moses, chickens and various other topics i know little about. like i said, i tend to know the basics, but sometimes i don't know what to say or how to explain. at times, jessica will ask me what a certain word means, and i won't know how to explain it. i, myself, always know what the word means, but when it comes to putting it into words in a way that she will understand, sometimes i struggle. sheesh, i am telling you - motherhood kills brain cells!

i relish in these opportunities to learn with my children. if i can't answer a question, such as: "how long do beetles live for?" i can always say, "let's look it up!" we can take a trip to the library or log onto the internet and answer these questions together. it will be nice when my super smart best friend can be around, because i am sure he'll be able to answer and explain a lot of this stuff without having to look it up. he is one intelligent guy!

school has been stressful and overwhelming, but i have also learned a great deal. i always look forward to learning something new. lifelong learning is an awesome thing. i don't feel the need to hit my education hard and earn a bunch of degrees, then pursue a career. me, i'm a homebody. i prefer to learn at a relaxed and enjoyable pace. i love to watch educational programs, read books and experience life, "hands-on." i still have the desire to pursue my education, and i will - yet it will most likely go slowly as i focus on my family. i think it is really imporant to learn, but one doesn't necessarily need to get that education from a college. i know of quite a few insanely intelligent, successful individuals who don't have degrees. still, a degree is a great thing to have. anyway...

the greatest foundation for education is created in the home. as parents, we are our children's greatest examples and teachers when it comes to learning and attitudes about learning. it is important that mothers be educated so they can teach their children, and also in the event that they must leave the home and be the breadwinners for their families. too many women, including myself, have put their educations on the back burner assuming their husband will always support them. but death, divorce, accidents and illnesses do happen - and women need to be prepared. i have a girlfriend that has no idea what her house cost, or what bills they have. this always baffled me.

my husband was always the one who took care of the vehicle maintenance, hooked up our surround sound and computer, hung curtains and fixed things around the house. i knew how to do some of these things, but we assumed our traditional roles and it worked. with the divorce, i've had to learn and do a lot, in a short amount of time. there have been intimidating and frustrating moments, but overall it has been extremely satisfying. i've continued to receive some "male help" from home teachers, family and so forth, but i have accomplished some things myself, as well. i have to say, it feels great! becoming self-reliant is a wonderful thing. i still have a lot to learn, but the bottom line is - i am learning. go, me!

adversity...GO AWAY!!

sheesh, can i please just have a day that is wonderful from beginning to end?? :o)

i was a cheerleader, back in high school. as a result, i have rotator cuff problems today. i wonder if i will ever get surgery for it. thing is, i can go several months with no shoulder issues whatsoever! but then suddenly i am in tons of pain for days, even weeks. it's very frustrating, especially when i have heavy children to pick up and carry around. i can't lift my arms up very far without experiencing excruciating pain. i've been popping advil like nothing else...and it isn't helping much.

in addition to this, my hair continues to fall out by the handfuls and the migraines just keep on coming. i am trying desperately to be patient with all of this. i only have one week of school left - i am trying to focus on that. i was registered for fall and winter classes, but decided to take a break. i need a break!! life has been way too stressful, emotional and overwhelming. even though i KNOW school is almost over, i am still stressing. i have a huge assignment due this week, in addition to a few smaller ones.

today, i had a babysitter for the kids while i went on one final observation site visit. it is intimidating, because i visited my instructor's montessori preschool. obviously, she would know if i fudged it or did a lousy job on the observation and assessment. i was there with a classmate, which is also intimidating...because what if we observed things differently and write up totally different rating scales?? arghh... basically, we had to not only observe the preschool for our final paper, but we also had to use the ECERS-R (rating scale). wow, that thing is intensely detailed and time-consuming! i was there for three hours and still didn't cover everything. it was time for me to leave and i was feeling panicky. the teacher i was working with was so amazing. she answered my interview questions whenever she had a moment, and even stood with me at the end and let me drill her with more questions. and THEN, she gave me her cell phone number! she told me to call her if i got stuck on anything. i feel so incredibly grateful to her for that - and i am definitely going to call her because this rating scale is full of holes.

anyway, enough of that. i was able to nap during naptime, but tossed and turned a little. i wasn't fully asleep. my mind was on so many, many things. i am trying to get certain things out of my head so i can focus on more pressing matters. in my busy life, i sometimes forget about having a prayer in my heart throughout the day and i find it difficult to have peaceful, quiet moments. i am trying really hard to keep those good feelings with me all day long. it's very difficult, especially when little people are fighting or crying - geez, kids are loud! this, of course, does not help with my migraine issue.

so, i have been trying to stay on top of everything. my spiritual life comes first. if i am doing well there, then everything else always falls right into place. i tend to be more negative, more distressed, and more stressed when i am not saying my prayers, reading my scriptures, listening to good music, and having that prayer in my heart all day long. it's really difficult, to stay spiritually focused, sometimes. this world is so full of distractions and problems....it's very easy to get lost in it and then wonder why you feel so bad. when i am having low moments (or low weeks!), it's then that i know my spiritual life is lacking nourishment. i am grateful, at least, that i am able to recognize when i am off track, and i always know how to get back on. it always comes down to those sunday school answers (go to church, pray, read your scriptures, serve others...).

by far, the most difficult part of my day was when alien called (alien = my soon-to-be-ex-husband). he sees the children every wednesday night. well, once again, he called to tell me he couldn't feed them dinner. this has happened so many, many times. he'll either "warn" me, or simply bring them home, hungry. it's very upsetting. we were on the phone for about 15 minutes...15 minutes longer than i would have liked. we went into other topics as well, such as the parenting agreement which should have been signed at mediation (because we agreed on everything). well, his lawyer tweaked the wording, which could change the meaning. he and his lawyer signed the newly tweaked version of the agreement, but we can't use that agreement because his lawyer made changes that the court won't even accept (such as changing the children's names into initials). so now my lawyer has to go through their agreement, word for word, and send it back for more changes. this costs me more money and the divorce continues to drag on, unnecessarily. we could have been divorced several months ago. this is why i have been ready to move on with my life, for some time now. it all comes down to getting some pieces of paper signed. when you have lived your life in limbo for a long period of time, unable to move forward, simply because of a piece of paper lacking signatures....it's extremely aggravating. anyway....

i am trying to let go of that upsetting conversation with alien. i am feeling very sad for him. he left the church and his heart is very hardened. i am gratefully no longer in love with him, but i do care about his well being. how can i not? i loved him for a very long time and we share three precious children. he will be in my life, whether i like it or not, for a long time. i still have sad moments. i don't cry about it anymore, but i feel sadness for what has happened to my family - to my children. i am sad for them. they've been through a lot and will continue to struggle as a result of another's choices. but we have each other, and i am very grateful for that. we have grown closer to one another and closer to the gospel. that is a wonderful thing!

i think of adversity as a golden opportunity for positive change, hidden deep inside an ugly box. it is only when we look past the ugliness and dig deep inside, that we find a treasure than can be ours. we just need to make the effort. this reminds me of that butterfly analogy, which i heard once again last sunday during sacrament meeting. a butterfly needs to struggle within the cacoon because that is what pumps blood through its wings so it can fly and survive. we, too, need opportunities to struggle so that we can find strength, spread our own "wings," and fly to greater heights than we ever could have imagined. it doesn't seem like it, but adversity is our friend.

my title was typed out of frustration, when i first began this blog. i don't necessarily want adversity to go away. rather, i want the strength, patience, resolve, and peace to get through the hard times. we can't pray or wish difficulties and problems away, but we can certainly ask that our burdens be lightened or lifted somehow. our prayers can be answered through people or through opportunities that come our way. one thing is for sure, i know that God answers prayers. it may not always be in the way we'd like or expect, but the answers do come. besides, things turn out much better when we follow the Lord's will and not our own.

strange dreams and other stuff

note to self: do not eat a bunch of lemon bars before going to bed.

i had the weirdest dreams, last night!! let's see if i can summarize for ya'll. i have forgotten most of it, but here's the basic idea...

i was working for oprah and totally forgot about a deadline she'd given me. we were supposed to have a meeting with some people about a really important social function. i was the one that promised her i'd have this amazing idea to propose to all the VIPs at this meeting. well, i was so wrapped up in the other stuff going on, like getting lost at a carnival and almost dying when the ferris wheel rolled into a swamp. yeah. so, after that happened, some dude speeds by and steals my purse! so then i am chasing him through the carnival and then finally catch up to him somewhere in cental park. yeah - don't ask me. i grab my purse back from him and start hitting him with it, when a crowd gathers. everyone is really excited. turns out, the guy is actor d.b. sweeney. hmm... he apologizes and tells me he stole my purse to prepare for a part he'd be playing in an upcoming movie. just plain weird. he starts signing autographs for the demanding crowd, and i turn around and suddenly find myself face to face with a very angry oprah. yikes! it doesn't register, until oprah asks me where my proposal is and reminds me that the VIPs are in the meeting waiting for us. i was horrified! we rush to the meeting and oprah walks in with a smile, giving our apologies. the long table is filled with important people with very dull yet intimidating expressions on their faces. oprah says a few words, then hands it all over to me. holy cow. they are all staring at me in the dead silence. nothing is coming to me. luckily, my assistant (some perky and annoying short chick) gets it going with some basic ideas. but they are still waiting for the meat. i am supposed to have this amazing, jaw-dropping, glamorous event planned - and nothing is coming to me!! finally, i glance out the window and see a leaf fall from the tree. that one thing suddenly gives me all kinds of ideas about a fall social. i interrupt short assistant chick and take over with my ideas for these intricate center pieces with oranges and reds and twigs and eggplant-colored drapery and blah blah blah. everyone was astounded and they all stood and applauded at the end. we all shook hands with the VIPs. oprah came over to me, and said, "beeeeep, beeeeep, beeeep." yeah....my cell phone alarm went off. it was time to hop in the shower.

that was definitely the strangest dream i have had in a long time - and i've had some pretty strange ones! this, after eating a bunch of lemon bars, going to bed way too late, and being woken several times by james throughout the night. i think i got a collective four hours of sleep last night. ughh...

today has been emotional. it started out really well, and i felt extremely happy (yes, even after the bad sleep and crazy dreams). however, i soon learned that someone i really care about was feeling hurt. even worse, they felt hurt by me. i always try to see where another person is coming from, so i listened intently. i also shared my own thoughts and feelings on things. after some time, it seemed everything was resolved. i better understood this person and i felt badly for my actions (well, lack there-of). i felt a surge of love and concern for this person, and i wanted to do something nice. in other words, i wanted to take immediate action because i hadn't been doing much of anything. i have been so consumed and overwhelmed by my own life situation, that i have failed to be the kind of friend that i would like to be. so i cut some flowers from my garden, put together a plate of lemon bars, and piled the kids into the van. when i arrived at this person's house, i thought it was going to be a nice surprise. however, this person was upset yet again. this time, it was due to a third party.

now let me segue for a moment here. i really, really, REALLY dislike certain things. here is today's list:
1) snooping
2) third party interference
3) drama

it really irks me that my friend and i were able to talk and work everything out, and then a third party steps in a smashes it all to pieces. naturally, this is going to cause some drama. why would the third party share their perception about something when it's only going to be hurtful - for no reason? seriously, what is it going to accomplish?

so, we talked more - this time, in person. i prefer it when everything is out in the open and discussed honestly. i can't stand deception, snooping, sneakiness, drama, and anything else related to being hurtful. it's totally unacceptable.

during our talk, it was brought to my attention that i come across preachy. i have never thought of myself as preachy, since i don't approach things with that intention. it was good to hear. as dr. phil says, "you can't change what you don't acknowledge." at the same time, i am not going to walk on eggshells, concerned with every word i say. for example, my last blog was about service. that blog was in no way supposed to come across preachy. i was simply exploring the topic. i was honestly enthralled with the subject matter, on the morning i typed it. the reader will note that i never say, "you all need to do this and that." instead, i use the word, "we." i include myself in the things i say. if i am being preachy, then i guess you can say i am preaching to myself, too!

today was an eye opener. i appreciate those moments when the light bulb goes on and i am given a chance to see myself from another's perspective. those moments provide opportunity for change. i'll be the first to admit i am far from perfect. we all are. there is only One who was and is perfect. it is the Savior's example that i strive to follow, and i always fall short. but that is why we have grace. hopefully, we will not judge one another as we are all striving for that perfection we are asked to reach for. if i come across preachy or hypocritical - it's certainly not my intention. i know what is right, and i like to write and talk about truth and what will bring us joy. however, i don't always make the best decisions myself. so, there you have it. i am not perfect. no big surprise there! :o)

i've blogged long enough. thank goodness for naptimes! now, i am going to tackle that paper i need to write for class. i am determined to have a totally free weekend. the kids are with their dad this weekend, and i don't want my rare and valuable "me" time to be bogged down with assignments. i want my time to be wide open, without a care. my goodness, i think i have had enough cares in my life!! i need and deserve time for myself. i have plans...wonderful plans. i am excited!

service

i wrote this days ago and forgot to post it!

The scriptures read, “Therefore, O ye that embark in the service of God, see that ye serve him with all your heart, might, mind and strength, that ye may stand blameless before God at the last day (D & C 4:2).” To what extent do we serve – or not serve? All morning long, my mind has been swimming with thoughts about what service really means. As a divorcing mother of three who is going back to school and watching others’ children for additional income, I have struggled for quite some time in finding childcare when I have a medical or dental appointment, an appointment related to my divorce, or a scheduled trip for school. It is difficult enough finding care for my own three, but when you add one or two extra children that are not mine, it’s near impossible sometimes. Because of my overwhelming situation and struggles to find help, I turned to the Church’s compassionate service. When someone is in need, compassionate service steps in to lovingly assist.

I have been the beneficiary of much compassionate service over the past 18 months – ever since my third child was born, and the same time my husband announced he didn’t feel like being married anymore. Although it has been a lengthy amount of time, I still find myself in dire straights at times. Whenever possible, I have paid for babysitters. I have to admit, that although it can be difficult to pay for a sitter, it greatly eases my burden of guilt and stress. I have a difficult time seeking help, especially after all this time. It’s hard to ask for help when feeling as though everyone is sick and tired of my constant need.

Last year, when my situation was at its peak of raw pain and devastation, I leaned most heavily on my family. It was extremely draining on them, but as I gained more friends in the new area, I relied less and less on them. Still, I think that they had been so heavily burdened by me and my situation that any future plea for help – even when few and far between – was viewed as greatly burdensome, even annoying. They had maxed out, and I understood. It was difficult for me, because I am constantly told to turn to family first. These days, asking family is my last resort. I want to repair those maxed out relationships by leaving them alone!

Recently, things have been especially stressful. There were mediations for my divorce and several last-minute school trips scheduled that I had no control over. I began to crack under the pressure of it all, and so I turned to compassionate service when I was unable to find help on my own. With just a few phone calls, help was on the way, and I was able to make it to my crucial appointments. However, last week I was informed that I could no longer turn to compassionate service. When I learned this, I was humbled – and yet, I broke down sobbing. I felt I had the weight of the world on my shoulders, no one to turn to, and now – abandoned. It was a very lonely time for me.

My heart and mind are full this morning as I ponder the meaning of service. I have a school appointment scheduled today, and still have no one to help me. I tried everyone I could think of, and even turned to my last resort. My last resort was available, but turned me down because they were not comfortable watching other people’s children. Although I scheduled the appointment during naptime to make it easy, and although the child’s mother doesn’t mind if someone else steps in for me, it just wasn't going to happen. I was heart-broken by the news, and felt quite devastated. I quickly hung up, and broke into heaving sobs. If I can’t turn to my last resort, and no one else is available, where do I turn?

There is only one person who is physically able to help me today, and ironically, is the one person I am not supposed to be communicating with right now. He is my best friend, and through my mother, I learn of his desire to serve me and ease my burdens. He and my mother communicate, as my bishop requests. He is my landlord, and so there must be some communications in regards to his mail or house issues. My mother mediates our communications to keep things appropriate, as my divorce continues to drag on and on.

Last night, I learned of his desire and willingness to help me today. I want so much to follow counsel to perfection, but what am I to do when he is truly my only hope?? My last resort was unavailable, and I have that appointment in a few hours. What should I do?

I want to examine the question I posed earlier: “To what extent do we serve – or not serve?” We have been asked to “devote all [our] service in Zion; and in this [we shall] have strength (D&C 24:7).” The Lord gave and he gave when, to others, it might have seemed undesirable and inconvenient. This tells me that service is not about doing only that which we feel like doing at the time. Service is giving our time, efforts and talents when we are needed. Service is about letting go of our own agendas and desires, and being there for others. When we are needed, are we willing to drop what we are doing and come to another’s aid? If we are heading to the movies with our family, and receive a call that someone needs last-minute childcare due to something urgent, are we willing to put off that worldly pleasure for a service that will greatly ease another’s burden?

Over the past 18 months, I have experienced the service of so many wonderful, willing servants of our Father in Heaven. These individuals have come to my aid at times that were inconvenient, last-minute, and perhaps even uncomfortable for them. With their selfless willingness to step in when I have been so broken down with nowhere else to turn, my burdens have been lifted, peace has been restored to my soul, my mind has been calmly reassured, and I have felt immense love from them – and for them.

I believe my circumstances have caused me to have a greater understanding and compassion for other’s needs. I hope that my own experience will enable me to better acknowledge the needs of others, and I pray that opportunities will shower down upon my life. I desire to have an eye for service, single to God’s glory. Service is to be done quietly without the need for praise or recognition. Our purpose in serving should not be for our own glory, but for our Heavenly Father’s. When we point out to another all that we have done for them, have we truly given God all the glory – or do we want some of it for ourselves?

Thomas S. Monson once wrote, “Frequently we are too quick to criticize, too prone to judge, and too ready to abandon an opportunity to help, to lift, and, yes, even to save.” So, to what extent do we serve – or not serve? Are we ready to serve at a moment’s notice, or do we require plenty of notice? How willing are we to put aside whatever leisurely activity or indulgence we are enjoying, to help someone in need? Do we keep a tally of our service to another, or do we serve gladly, without keeping “score?” Who are we to serve? Are we only willing to help those we are comfortable with? Do we assist only the friends, family and neighbors we know? If a person is uncomfortable being around the elderly, does that mean they should not serve them? If we are not comfortable with clutter, will we not step into the home of a pack rat? Do we only serve the people we like and have things in common with?

When I answer these kinds of questions for myself, it always boils down to just one final question: “What would the Savior do?” If the Savior would serve anyone, at anytime, and do it gladly, lovingly, selflessly, compassionately – then I am to do likewise.

Jesus Christ is our ultimate example. How often do we talk about “being Christlike?” We may speak of it often, but are we actually doing it? Are we truly acting like the Savior and doing what He would do? I think it is the perfect litmus test, to consider what our Savior might do.

The world would have us think first of ourselves – what is most convenient for us, what we would rather be doing, and what is most comfortable. As Sheri Dew so beautifully put it, “Coming unto Christ means walking away from the world.” Walking away from the world means stepping outside our comfort zones, leaving personal agendas and desires behind – and cleaving to those sacred covenants we have made, and those commandments we gave been given to follow.

“Choose you this day whom ye will serve: … but as for me and my house, we will serve the Lord.” (Josh. 24:15.)

Oh, and one more thing...fifteen minutes ago, I received a phone call – help is on the way! I am so very grateful.

CTR

i chose to be happy today.

i heart my landlord

he is wonderful, folks! talk about a man that goes above and beyond the call of duty. in my home, everywhere i look, i can see his handiwork. many times, i haven't even had to ask. he knows that something needs done, and he does it! he does such a phenomenal job, too. i am beyond grateful. there is always so much on my plate - his help around here really eases my burdens. what a guy! hands off, everyone - he's MY landlord! nope, you can't have him! ha!

saturday!!

heart of the home

i am learning lots of valuable things when it comes to living in a house. for example: the garbage truck will not pick up yard debri if it's in big, black plastic bags. yeah, last week i dragged all those heavy black bags to the curb and they were never picked up. the recyclables collector guy (yeah, i also didn't know different trucks come for each different container) - he said they won't pick up the yard debri in black bags like that. well, i thought he meant they won't pick up yard debri in black bags just sitting on the curb. so i threw them into the trash cans, thinking that would suffice. well, they didn't pick them up. lesson learned. so, on monday night, i was out there with a pair of scissors at 10pm, cutting the bags away from all those sticks and leaves. it was a wet, dirty experience, but i am so glad i finally did it the right way. they came by this morning and dumped my yard debri into the truck. yay!

so, i am settling into this beautiful home with my cute, squishy children. people keep making comments about how my life must be so much nicer now. i've been feeling guilty about that, like i should automatically be happy and at peace because i am now living in a house. believe me, i am beyond thrilled to leave apartment life behind (especially since it started getting really smokey where i was living). however, just because i'm in a house rather than an apartment doesn't mean my challenges have gone away. i've been so stressed out lately, with taking care of my children, doing childcare, unpacking and settling in, trying to stay on top of my schoolwork, and all the usual life things like paying bills, running errands, cleaning, yadda yadda yadda...

i am feeling incredibly grateful to live in this house. what an amazing opportunity. what a gift! how nice, to have a backyard the children can play in! this morning, i sat on the bench swing and watched them run about and use the new swingset. it was so pleasant. i felt satisfied and happy. strange, because later this afternoon i was bawling on my friend's shoulder about how stressed out and overwhelmed i have been feeling. this house is a wonderful thing. life is still hard, though.

i have good friends and good family. i am so grateful for that. i've been feeling guilty about feeling stressed and overwhelmed. i guess you could say i am not giving myself permission to be a human being. with all the comments i've been getting about how living in a house equals happiness, i wondered if i was being ungrateful because i was still having a difficult time. my loving friends and family assured me that i still have so much on my plate, and living in a house doesn't make that go away. i don't even know if i am making complete sense right now. life is still difficult, but i am so happy to be here in this house.

i miss my best friend like nothing else. i can't wait til we can spend time together again. he doesn't complete me - rather, he adds to the richness i already have in my life. he brings more color and dimension to what i already possess. it's a beautiful thing. i appreciate him. i appreciate us. i appreciate me when i am with him. i've become a better person on my own, and he instills an even greater desire within me to rise to my potential, to be even better, to accomplish more, to give more, to experience more.

love is awesome. i adore him. i miss him. he is beautiful, inside and out. he's a good, good man - how rare! did i mention i miss him?? *sigh*

things have becoming increasingly difficult with the kids. there's been more fighting amongst them, more drama with my oldest daughter, and so on. i think a lot of it has to do with the fact that there is only one of me and i just never have the time! my daughter came home from her friends house, with lemon bread and chocolate chip cookies in her arms. her friend's mom is a "stay-at-home" mom and baked them from scratch. there was a time when i could do that. i used to bake with my children. i used to play more games, read more stories, give more hugs and have more one-on-one conversations than i do now. i am incredibly sad about it. i felt envious when i thought of this mother, baking and doing arts and crafts with the girls. me, whenever i have any spare time these days, i am catching up on schoolwork, throwing a load of laundry into the wash, attacking the dishes that fill the sink, or balancing my checkbook to see how much money i don't have. i can still remember how it felt when i was that lucky stay-at-home mom, able to give all her time and attention to her children. i really miss those days and i can honestly say i took that time for granted. if i am able to get that back one of these days, i will never take it for granted ever again.

i listen with longing, to my sisters and girlfriends, as they tell me about their fun-filled family vacations, how their kids are signed up for dance or soccer, or how they took their children to the zoo or the waterpark. i faintly smile as they complain about whatever their husband didn't do, or what thing he said to aggravate them. i listen, as she complains that her husband had to leave on business for the weekend and they weren't able to see him for two whole days. and i just think to myself..."hey...at least you have a husband. at least he is coming home soon."

in the heart of the home, there must be gratitude. the heart of the home measures life by blessings, not by wordly successes. it is not about keeping up with the joneses or filling the minutes of your day with things that bring pleasure only to yourself. the heart of the home is time spent together. it is in the eye contact that says, "i love you - and you matter to me." it is in the selfless deeds that go unnoticed. it is choosing to love your family members, even when they are acting unlovable. the heart of the home allows everyone to be human, yet encourages each individual to strive for their very best. i often wonder what condition the heart of my home is in. sometimes i feel like it's under attack. sometimes i want to run away from the daily noise, chaos, mess and responsibilities. sometimes i feel like no matter what i do, it's not good enough. at times, i feel unappreciated, unnoticed, stretched too thin...

but then all it takes are the tiny arms of my baby, wrapped around my neck - big, blue eyes, staring up at me...or my son sillily declaring, "my name is goo-goo!" and planting a big, wet kiss on my lips....or my daughter, stroking my arm and telling me to sit down because i work really hard....these bring me back to reality. the reality is, i am the heart of the home. my attitude, my disposition, my example - they all set the tone. what a great responsibility. i am overwhelmed. i am grateful. what a glorious undertaking.

moving day

it's 8am. the children have been dressed and bathed (not in that order). i am feeling happy, although my body is completely drained of energy from the lack of food and sleep. it's been a very chaotic, sloppy, incoherent kind of week as i've struggled to watch children, get bills paid, pack and keep up with school.

ah, school.

my brain is completely fried. can i just tell you how difficult it is, going back to school while being a "single" mom, AND doing childcare AND moving?!? yeah. somehow, i have managed to stay on top of things - barely. i have a paper due this saturday and i honestly did not think i'd be able to turn anything in. the assignment requires me to interview an educator and none of my contacts returned my calls or were even available. seems like everyone and their dog is on vacation right now. sheesh. anyway, at the last minute, someone came through for me. hallelujah!! i am thrilled that i will be able to complete this assignment. i tell ya, i can't stand turning in less than stellar work. however, sometimes - with this crazy life i lead - i have no choice other than mediocrity. sad, but true. at this point, i just want to pass.

because of the insanity which is my existence, i've been moving boxes over to the house whenever possible. i'd pack a few, then bring them over. sometimes i've even managed to unload them and bring empty boxes back. still, here i am on moving day, and there is still so much to pack - and i have run out of boxes. the men from church are coming at 6pm today to help, so i am going to work my butt off today (yeah, that thing doesn't seem to want to stay attached).

so, i am absolutely exhausted - but happy. today, i move into a house. the last time i lived in a house, was more than a decade ago, in the house i grew up in. there is nothing to stop the tears, when i think about my children being able to grow up in a house. this is huge. i don't know how to properly express the joy i feel, when we go over there and i watch my children run about freely in the backyard, or jump and stomp about in the house, with no fear of repercussions from downstairs neighbors. i feel so much love for the one who made this dream a reality for us.

the sweet lady who lived below us moved away. she put up with so much noise for several months. bless that woman!! we have new neighbors now, and like the neighbors diagonal of us, they smoke. i am incredibly grateful to be moving away from this. goodbye, apartment life!! goodbye....hopefully, forever.

i've thought a great deal about moving into this house - and staying in it for many, many years. i have envisioned so many memories that lay against the landscape of my future. my heart swells, as i daydream.

well, i suppose i should end this blog and get to work! today is a good day. *smile*

july 4th

we had a great july 4th!! this cul de sac neighborhood we are moving into has a huge party every 4th (and new year's eve). a couple neighbors at the end of the street work together, and they "host" the event. we were invited, so we went!

i think we arrived sometime in the 3 o'clock hour (after naptime). it was a bit intimidating, at first...walking into that street gathering and knowing no one. but actually i had met a few neighbors before, so those neighbors found me and helped make me comfortable. the kids had so much fun. they rode their bikes in the street (street was closed off for the party), there was a dunk tank and a slip and slide on someone's lawn. there was tons of food, music, volleyball, etc. what an amazing neighborhood, we're moving into!! it felt like a family reunion! everyone was incredibly nice. even the older teens were conversing with us and being helpful and attentive to the kids. around 9:30pm, they handed out sparklers and glow-in-the-dark sticks (that you can link together and turn into bracelets). the sparkler fun lasted for maybe half an hour as the guys prepped the fireworks! then at 10pm, everyone gathered on the lawns and there was a "show."

we watched the fireworks show with a "younger" family. they have two daughters: hannah (7) and jessica (10). the parents were incredibly fun and nice, and fairly new to the street themselves (about a year and a half). jim and brad (the dad) have the military in common, so they were getting along fabulously.

earlier in the day, i had left with james and jenna because i needed to do a couple things at home. jessica stayed behind, with jim. apparently, she met hannah a couple minutes after i left and they became instant friends! they were really cute together and i am excited that she has a little buddy to play with! i didn't see anyone james or jenna's age but i was told the ages range from 2-18. oh, when i returned to the party, jim had jessica's training wheels off her bike and was teaching her to ride. i loved that! i have wanted to do that for so long but have never been able to.

we had such a great time. i am so excited about living with these really fun, kind, generous people!! what a perfect place to live!! here are some pics from the day...

*dingalingaling* come and get it!

there is more to family mealtimes at the dinner table than what is on the menu. although i know this to be true, there is great satisfaction in creating a beautiful and delicious meal for my family. now that i am a "single" mom, practically working 24-7, going back to college and caring for additional children for additional income, the days of creating those colorful and delectable meals have long since past. these days, i am barely able to scramble some eggs for dinner, or open up a can of stew and heat it up on the stove - with some canned peaches on the side. i am grateful for these quick and easy meals. yes, they are also delicious...but they tend to be rather boring - especially when i keep repeating them. there is something to be said about a colorful meal presented in a beautiful manner.

looking back, i think i took advantage of the fact that i could more leisurely prepare a lovely meal for my family. i used to delve into different, fancy recipes. i would prepare delicious meats, pastas, salads and side dishes. i loved when the table was beautifully spread with food that i made. i took great satisfaction in not only feeding my family, but feeding them a wonderful homemade meal of my own efforts. i also used to make cookies, cakes and breads more often. i miss that so much. my feelings about offering up these amazing dinners have not changed, however, my circumstances have. i long for the day when i can bring the beautifully rich and satisfying mealtime experience back to my family dinner table.

i am the youngest of six children. we would eat dinner at the dinner table, as a family, every single night. as evening approached, my mother could be found busy in the kitchen, preparing dinner. my mother would make delicious meals and my father would come home and unwind. all he had to do was sit down at the head of the table and eat. this is what i experienced, as a child, and so it was what i always envisioned for my own life. a traditional family with traditional mealtimes. how nice...

i have dinner baking in the oven right now. it's one of my simpler recipes - but hey, it's a recipe! it didn't come wholly from a can and i had to do some chopping and stirring. it may sound silly, but i was in HEAVEN!! my children colored at the table while i prepared dinner. somehow, I was able to find the time to do this tonight. it certainly helps when everyone is well behaved and entertaining themselves. i have set a goal for myself, to make at least one "fancier" meal each week. my daughter lit up when she saw me making dinner as I used to. i want to give my children the same kind of memories i am blessed to possess. to have a good, healthy, happy, fun, wonderful childhood...rich and abundant with culture, family outings, silly moments, lessons learned....how priceless! i want that for them - they deserve it.

i believe the man i love and intend to one day marry has the same goals, ideals, values and desires. that means everything to me. there is nothing I want more than a joyful life with the ones I hold most dear - my family. having mealtimes together, i believe, is part of the glue that keeps families together. it is during those mealtimes that we can pause from our hectic schedules, listen to one another, laugh with one another, share our days, ask questions, look one another in the eyes, share priceless memories, even learn some manners!

dinner will be ready in fifteen minutes. my home is filled with delicious aromas and my children are now happily playing in their bedroom. in this moment, life is incredibly sweet. i am so happy.

gotta get my groove on...

writing assignment

this is my first assignment for my college writing class. we were asked to write a little bio, no more than 300 words (mine is exactly 300 - go ME!). we were asked to tell the rest of the class (this is posted to a forum) about our past, present & future, what writing means to us and our careers and why we are taking an on-line class. that's a lot to cram into a dinky 300 words or less (which is why i used every word i possibly could)! so far, everyone has submitted a rather dry response. i am bored out of my mind, reading a bunch of stats. me, I wanted to write something more creative, rather than some dull piece about myself. here is what I wrote:

I am fair-skinned Swede who grew up near the sunny beaches of Southern California. Yes, I admit it – I am a Valley girl. I never managed to get that perfect tan, though. I was always getting sunburns, as a result of my friends teasing me about my “neon skin.” I quickly learned that I preferred to be indoors or under the shade of my family’s orange tree, writing stories and poetry, rather than sun-bathing with the rest of my cheerleading friends.

In the shade of that orange tree, I was invincible. Writing was my escape from so many things. The words that flowed from pen to paper made me feel strong. Writing was what I turned to, when life became difficult. After high school, I faced great adversity. Somehow, I persevered. Much of my ability to endure, I owe to writing.

I now face one of my greatest challenges. After nine years of marriage and three beautiful children, my husband decided to leave us. You can imagine the amount of writing that ensued! From this devastating, life-altering experience, I’ve learned a great deal about life, and about myself. I am stronger and more capable than I ever imagined.

I returned to school, taking on-line classes, and began watching other children for additional income. These two opportunities enable me to remain home with my children, which is my greatest goal and desire.

For me, writing will always be important. It holds significance as I teach my children and as I pursue a degree in Early Childhood Education. As the character in Edgar Allen Poe’s “The Raven” believed the Balm of Gilead would mend his broken heart for the lost Lenore, I believe writing has played a great role in the healing of my own heart. Writing is my Balm of Gilead.

be a pickle!

at church today, the lesson in relief society came from the may 2007 ensign. in it, there is a talk by elder david bednar, entitled, "ye must be born again." now, i wasn't able to fully concentrate on the lesson for a variety of reasons, but the things i did catch, were excellent. it was a great lesson! because i missed some of it, i went home and read the article in it's entirety. a huge thanks, to my best friend, who gave me the gift of an ensign subscription (lol...i almost said "prescription" - but that wouldn't be too inaccurate, would it? it's been like medicine for the soul!). anyone who wants to read this article can simply go to the Church website and read it there. i really appreciate being able to lay on my couch and read from the magazine, rather than sit at my computer. it's nice. anyway, here's my own little summary....

cucumbers can be changed into pickles through a particular process, which includes: preparing and cleaning, immersing and saturating, and finally...sealing. this process of turning cucumbers into pickles can be likened to our being born again. i absolutely LOVE analogies...so i ate this right up (okay, that was cheesey - i know).

as sons and daughters of God, we must be born again if we are to enter into His presence again. we must deny ungodliness, come unto Christ and be perfected in Him. in doing this, we shed ourselves of the natural man and our hearts are changed. "we have no more disposition to do evil, but to do good continually (mosiah 5:2)." how cool is that?! how incredible to naturally think and do only that which is good and true! no more grumbling at the guy that cut us off in traffic, no more murmuring at enduring life's trials, no more judging of others harshly... this is why we are here! this is our big test! are we passing or failing? if we are to become "new creatures" in Christ (2 corinthians 5:17), what are we doing about it?

we need to be immersed in the process of pickling ourselves. haha! that sounds really funny. just as with pickles, if you don't follow the process with precision, you will not achieve the end result! we want to change from cucumbers to pickles - we want to shed ourselves of this natural man and have a mighty change in heart. we must be born again!

the first step in the pickling process is preparing and cleaning. one cannot proceed until all the filth and grime are removed. the Lord has a high standard of cleanliness. we must repent daily if we are to move forward.

next, comes immersing and saturating. cucumbers have to sit in salt brine for a length of time, in order to change their composition and taste. merely dipping or sprinkling the cucumbers will not bring about the change. in fact, the entire cucumber must be fully immersed if the process is to work. likewise, we must be fully immersed in the gospel if we are to change our natures. sporadic adherance to gospel principles will not bring about the mighty change that is required. our complete immersion in living a Christ-centered life will allow us to be born again.

finally, the cured cucumbers must be purified and sealed. the jars they are placed in must be completely sterilized and they must be heat processed to remove all impurities. a boiling water bath enables the pickles to be preserved and protected for a long period of time. as we receive ordinances and honor sacred covenants, we, too, become purified. we are protected and preserved by the Atonement of Christ, as we follow Him and repent.

at the end of the process, a delicious pickle emerges! crunchy and sweet to the taste, is this green treat that experienced the entire process to perfection! there will be a sweetness for us as well, when we emerge as new creatures in Christ. so....be a pickle, my friends! be a pickle!

on the way home from Church, i drove behind a van with a sticker on the back which read, "if you are living like there is no God, then you'd better be right!" funny, but true, eh? i am certainly far from perfect, but i always want to live in a way that pleases my Father in Heaven. looking back on my life, i have always been happiest, following the gospel plan. that is where i want to stay.

"me" time

today was pretty wonderful. i slept in 'til 10am (normally i wake to my 6:50am alarm). i can't tell you how yummy it was, waking up naturally like that. it's a good thing, too - because i think i got home around 2am. let's just say i had a late night craving...

friday night was my final counseling session. i was super early, so i went across the street to fred meyer and wandered around. they had lots of sales going on. i ended up in the jewelry store, though. i tried some rings on, just for fun. mmm, sparkly! *teehee* i hadn't eaten anything, so i bought a strawberry yogurt smoothie and headed to my appointment. it was a great "wrap-up" session. we just reviewed the past year and she asked me lots of questions. kinda felt like i was back in school, taking an oral exam. the end of the session arrived and we parted ways. that was hard. she's seen me through a really devastating year. i will miss talking to her.

the night was still young! i returned to fred meyer. yeah, i guess i am a dork. it was fun though! i purchased some things i needed. i also purchased some really huge sunglasses. yep, that's right folks...i have joined the big sunglasses masses. it's a sad statement to make, but it's true. frankly (i am going to get that officially changed to "jimly" - that's sounds much better, IMO), i think the massive sunglasses epidemic is ridiculous. they have become one big eye-roll for me. buuuut, i have to say....for someone as sensitive to light as i am - they are FABulous! so, yeah. i bought them. they were on sale.

so back to my story... last night, i was up pretty late. it was sooo fun to stay up late, knowing i could sleep in the next day. i ended up doing something spontaneous. that was really fun. i think i left my place sometime around 12:30am. i was totally giddy! anyway, i ran a little "errand" and succumbed to a late-night (early morning?) craving. okay, it was denny's. there was a location right next to the freeway on-ramp, so i stopped for a super bird. mmmm... i gobbled it on the way home. man, i was TIRED...

i got up around 10am, got ready and left for bellevue. here i am, in my new HUGE sunglasses, yapping on the phone with my best gal pal, shallyn...


once in bellevue, i stopped at the deseret bookstore and purchased a beautiful journal. then i went around the corner and ate at my favorite little indian restuarant. they have a rockin' lunch buffet for only $9. YUUMMM! it was so pleasant, sitting there, writing in my new journal and eating my food. i was actually doing more writing than eating. next thing i knew, i had written five pages and my food was cold. oops! that's the great thing about buffets, though - i could just get more warm food! here's a pic of my delectable indian food and that beautiful new journal...



i didn't finish my cold food...but i did finish a third bowl of rice pudding (that stuff is supposed to be cold)! as i paid my bill, i talked to the waiter about the music they were playing. there was this one song that i fell in love with! it's called "deewana" by sonu nigam. what a beautiful song. i asked him what it was about - it's a love song. i kinda already knew that, though...it sounds like one.

i left the restaurant and went to the 3pm session at the temple. i lingered for as long as i possibly could, before returning home. it was so beautiful outside, when i walked out of the temple. of course, i took some pictures...





i got home just in time to change my clothes, "prep" the house for the children's return, then head to seattle to pick them up. it is so nice to have them back with me. i missed them. i always miss them when they go. buuuuut, i LOVE my "me" time! no doubt!!