i am sewing again - i love eeet!! i really miss creating things. i am also going to try getting back into making cards and scrapbooking. it's been too long. friday night, after dropping the kids off with their dad, i treated myself to a fun night! after doing some fun things for myself, i ended up finishing this baby wall quilt i had started a couple weeks ago. i was up til 2am, stitching the binding on and watching wild hogs (which is an okay movie with tons of unnecessary junk in it, inserted for a cheap laugh - me no likey!). anyway, here it is! i mailed it today and i hope they enjoy it...
i didn't think going to bed so late would be an issue, since i had no children to wake me up! i could sleep in - yessss! um, no. the phone rang after just five hours of sleep. it was a good friend of mine who is having a difficult time in her marriage. i told her to call me anytime, so i listened as she told me everything that has been going on. she'd caught her husband with pornography a few times, early in their marriage. sadly, she recently found out that he's continued looking at pornography, and hiding it, for the past seven years. my heart hurt for her, because i can relate. we talked for a couple hours and then she needed to make lunch and i needed to get ready for the day.
i had byutv on in the backround, as i got ready. there was a women's conference on at the time. after a short time, that ended, and another program began. it was on pornography. it was one of the best "talks" on pornography that i have ever known (and believe me, i have done my research!). it was truly excellent and i wanted my friend to know about it. i discovered the transcript HERE. so, if you are personally dealing with this addiction or know someone who is, i highly recommend reading it in its entirety. pornography is extremely addicting, destructive and insidious. i have come to know many, many divorced and divorcing women and pornography seems to be at the core of their failed marriages. pornography greatly distorts men's views on their marriages, womanhood, and intimacy. in their shame, they withdraw from involving themselves in meaningful relationships and use their addiction as an escape from feeling negative emotions, such as anger, sadness, boredom and stress. rather than deal with these emotions, they turn to pornography for a quick fix. however, this quick fix only makes dealing with life much more difficult. here is a piece from the talk:
"[Pornography is] like pouring water down a hill: initially the water takes several different paths; but as more water is poured, certain channels are engraved into the hillside, and as more water is poured it consistently follows a set path. As pornography is used to escape from anxiety, boredom, fear, loneliness, sadness, hurt, anger, or shame, it’s like pouring water down the consistent path, so the automatic escape route from these feelings is an activity that channels the brain even further. Cellular memory groups where images are stored will always be there to beckon back to the computer screen. And they further constrain the brain’s ability to consider alternative actions and paths."
this talk is really, really interesting because it explains the way men's brains function, and how pornography can actually change its chemical makeup. that is very scary!! anyway, enough on this subject. go read the talk - it is VERY good, and VERY important. this problem is so prevalent. i believe it is one of the adversary's greatest tools in destroying marriages and families. it's working. the best thing we can do is educate ourselves and our families about this, while avoiding it all costs.
so, i left the house much later than i thought i would, due to the morning phone call and listening to the talk while getting ready. the timing of things is really interesting. because of my late start, i arrived at the bishop's storehouse later than i originally intended. as i stood at the counter, i overheard two of the women discussing child support issues. i interjected myself into their conversation and they happily included me. then another woman walked in and seemed interested in what we were talking about. later, as i was finishing up my food order, the woman that had come in after me said, "hey, we are exchanging numbers!" how cool! we four ladies all have divorce in common. kinda funny how it immediately bonds people. divorce is such a devastating thing, especially when you are not the one who wants it. it helps to have people to talk to, who have "been there, done that." i have met the most amazing women who have endured so much heartache because of their spouse's poor use of agency. sadly, we are vulnerable to be adversely affected by other people's bad choices. however, we can use these difficult times as opportunities and we can meet amazing people we may never have met, had we not gone through the adversity. life is beautiful and painful. i am grateful for the blessings of peaks and valleys. if we didn't have those low times, we could never truly appreciate those moments when we soar. life is rich with experiences and i welcome it all - the good and the bad. i am thankful for a loving Father in Heaven who knows me, better than i know myself. surely He knew i was ready for this trial. He knew i could handle it. i am His daughter - what a blessing, to know that!
it is also such a blessing to bring my children back home. they are healthy, they are happy, they are whole. what an honor, to be their mother. after i bathed the children and put james and jenna to bed, i let jessica stay up with me. it is good for us, to have these mommy-daughter times. she has definitely been affected most, by the breaking up of our family. sometimes she says, "mama, remember when..." and then she'll tell me a painful memory from last year. she remembers me crying, she remembers my husband being gone all the time. my heart breaks for her. my parents are still together after all these years. i am sad that my daughter will never know what it's like to have her two biological parents, united and happy, her whole life through. i am so determined to provide her with the best possible home i can, and teach her those important values that will see her through difficult times and assist her in decision-making. i worry about her, most of all, because she knows the most. so we stayed up and talked as we played uno. we laughed about silly things and just had a great time. i listened as she told me about school, her memories, her feelings about the divorce, and her weekend with her dad. she tells me about her hopes for the future and about what she thinks of the past. i always want her to feel comfortable with me, to confide in me and know she can tell me anything. after uno, we went upstairs and talked some more on my bed. then, we read scriptures. i had her read d&c 122:7. she did a fantastic job, too! we talked about adversity and agency. we discussed what she can do if she is faced with something difficult. we talked about her options, when it comes time to make a decision about something. i appreciate these opportunities to converse with my daughter, to teach her, to listen and to share. it was a really wonderful night.
i had a lot of fun, i enjoyed my FREEDOM,
and i loved having the children back with me again.
oh! and i almost forgot something!
my most favorite jeans that always fit me so perfectly
- "sweet jeans" -
were on sale today. they were only $3.74, people!!!
YEAH, BABY!!
and with that, i bid you all adeiu
(or however it's spelled).
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