heart of the home

i am learning lots of valuable things when it comes to living in a house. for example: the garbage truck will not pick up yard debri if it's in big, black plastic bags. yeah, last week i dragged all those heavy black bags to the curb and they were never picked up. the recyclables collector guy (yeah, i also didn't know different trucks come for each different container) - he said they won't pick up the yard debri in black bags like that. well, i thought he meant they won't pick up yard debri in black bags just sitting on the curb. so i threw them into the trash cans, thinking that would suffice. well, they didn't pick them up. lesson learned. so, on monday night, i was out there with a pair of scissors at 10pm, cutting the bags away from all those sticks and leaves. it was a wet, dirty experience, but i am so glad i finally did it the right way. they came by this morning and dumped my yard debri into the truck. yay!

so, i am settling into this beautiful home with my cute, squishy children. people keep making comments about how my life must be so much nicer now. i've been feeling guilty about that, like i should automatically be happy and at peace because i am now living in a house. believe me, i am beyond thrilled to leave apartment life behind (especially since it started getting really smokey where i was living). however, just because i'm in a house rather than an apartment doesn't mean my challenges have gone away. i've been so stressed out lately, with taking care of my children, doing childcare, unpacking and settling in, trying to stay on top of my schoolwork, and all the usual life things like paying bills, running errands, cleaning, yadda yadda yadda...

i am feeling incredibly grateful to live in this house. what an amazing opportunity. what a gift! how nice, to have a backyard the children can play in! this morning, i sat on the bench swing and watched them run about and use the new swingset. it was so pleasant. i felt satisfied and happy. strange, because later this afternoon i was bawling on my friend's shoulder about how stressed out and overwhelmed i have been feeling. this house is a wonderful thing. life is still hard, though.

i have good friends and good family. i am so grateful for that. i've been feeling guilty about feeling stressed and overwhelmed. i guess you could say i am not giving myself permission to be a human being. with all the comments i've been getting about how living in a house equals happiness, i wondered if i was being ungrateful because i was still having a difficult time. my loving friends and family assured me that i still have so much on my plate, and living in a house doesn't make that go away. i don't even know if i am making complete sense right now. life is still difficult, but i am so happy to be here in this house.

i miss my best friend like nothing else. i can't wait til we can spend time together again. he doesn't complete me - rather, he adds to the richness i already have in my life. he brings more color and dimension to what i already possess. it's a beautiful thing. i appreciate him. i appreciate us. i appreciate me when i am with him. i've become a better person on my own, and he instills an even greater desire within me to rise to my potential, to be even better, to accomplish more, to give more, to experience more.

love is awesome. i adore him. i miss him. he is beautiful, inside and out. he's a good, good man - how rare! did i mention i miss him?? *sigh*

things have becoming increasingly difficult with the kids. there's been more fighting amongst them, more drama with my oldest daughter, and so on. i think a lot of it has to do with the fact that there is only one of me and i just never have the time! my daughter came home from her friends house, with lemon bread and chocolate chip cookies in her arms. her friend's mom is a "stay-at-home" mom and baked them from scratch. there was a time when i could do that. i used to bake with my children. i used to play more games, read more stories, give more hugs and have more one-on-one conversations than i do now. i am incredibly sad about it. i felt envious when i thought of this mother, baking and doing arts and crafts with the girls. me, whenever i have any spare time these days, i am catching up on schoolwork, throwing a load of laundry into the wash, attacking the dishes that fill the sink, or balancing my checkbook to see how much money i don't have. i can still remember how it felt when i was that lucky stay-at-home mom, able to give all her time and attention to her children. i really miss those days and i can honestly say i took that time for granted. if i am able to get that back one of these days, i will never take it for granted ever again.

i listen with longing, to my sisters and girlfriends, as they tell me about their fun-filled family vacations, how their kids are signed up for dance or soccer, or how they took their children to the zoo or the waterpark. i faintly smile as they complain about whatever their husband didn't do, or what thing he said to aggravate them. i listen, as she complains that her husband had to leave on business for the weekend and they weren't able to see him for two whole days. and i just think to myself..."hey...at least you have a husband. at least he is coming home soon."

in the heart of the home, there must be gratitude. the heart of the home measures life by blessings, not by wordly successes. it is not about keeping up with the joneses or filling the minutes of your day with things that bring pleasure only to yourself. the heart of the home is time spent together. it is in the eye contact that says, "i love you - and you matter to me." it is in the selfless deeds that go unnoticed. it is choosing to love your family members, even when they are acting unlovable. the heart of the home allows everyone to be human, yet encourages each individual to strive for their very best. i often wonder what condition the heart of my home is in. sometimes i feel like it's under attack. sometimes i want to run away from the daily noise, chaos, mess and responsibilities. sometimes i feel like no matter what i do, it's not good enough. at times, i feel unappreciated, unnoticed, stretched too thin...

but then all it takes are the tiny arms of my baby, wrapped around my neck - big, blue eyes, staring up at me...or my son sillily declaring, "my name is goo-goo!" and planting a big, wet kiss on my lips....or my daughter, stroking my arm and telling me to sit down because i work really hard....these bring me back to reality. the reality is, i am the heart of the home. my attitude, my disposition, my example - they all set the tone. what a great responsibility. i am overwhelmed. i am grateful. what a glorious undertaking.