adversity...GO AWAY!!

sheesh, can i please just have a day that is wonderful from beginning to end?? :o)

i was a cheerleader, back in high school. as a result, i have rotator cuff problems today. i wonder if i will ever get surgery for it. thing is, i can go several months with no shoulder issues whatsoever! but then suddenly i am in tons of pain for days, even weeks. it's very frustrating, especially when i have heavy children to pick up and carry around. i can't lift my arms up very far without experiencing excruciating pain. i've been popping advil like nothing else...and it isn't helping much.

in addition to this, my hair continues to fall out by the handfuls and the migraines just keep on coming. i am trying desperately to be patient with all of this. i only have one week of school left - i am trying to focus on that. i was registered for fall and winter classes, but decided to take a break. i need a break!! life has been way too stressful, emotional and overwhelming. even though i KNOW school is almost over, i am still stressing. i have a huge assignment due this week, in addition to a few smaller ones.

today, i had a babysitter for the kids while i went on one final observation site visit. it is intimidating, because i visited my instructor's montessori preschool. obviously, she would know if i fudged it or did a lousy job on the observation and assessment. i was there with a classmate, which is also intimidating...because what if we observed things differently and write up totally different rating scales?? arghh... basically, we had to not only observe the preschool for our final paper, but we also had to use the ECERS-R (rating scale). wow, that thing is intensely detailed and time-consuming! i was there for three hours and still didn't cover everything. it was time for me to leave and i was feeling panicky. the teacher i was working with was so amazing. she answered my interview questions whenever she had a moment, and even stood with me at the end and let me drill her with more questions. and THEN, she gave me her cell phone number! she told me to call her if i got stuck on anything. i feel so incredibly grateful to her for that - and i am definitely going to call her because this rating scale is full of holes.

anyway, enough of that. i was able to nap during naptime, but tossed and turned a little. i wasn't fully asleep. my mind was on so many, many things. i am trying to get certain things out of my head so i can focus on more pressing matters. in my busy life, i sometimes forget about having a prayer in my heart throughout the day and i find it difficult to have peaceful, quiet moments. i am trying really hard to keep those good feelings with me all day long. it's very difficult, especially when little people are fighting or crying - geez, kids are loud! this, of course, does not help with my migraine issue.

so, i have been trying to stay on top of everything. my spiritual life comes first. if i am doing well there, then everything else always falls right into place. i tend to be more negative, more distressed, and more stressed when i am not saying my prayers, reading my scriptures, listening to good music, and having that prayer in my heart all day long. it's really difficult, to stay spiritually focused, sometimes. this world is so full of distractions and problems....it's very easy to get lost in it and then wonder why you feel so bad. when i am having low moments (or low weeks!), it's then that i know my spiritual life is lacking nourishment. i am grateful, at least, that i am able to recognize when i am off track, and i always know how to get back on. it always comes down to those sunday school answers (go to church, pray, read your scriptures, serve others...).

by far, the most difficult part of my day was when alien called (alien = my soon-to-be-ex-husband). he sees the children every wednesday night. well, once again, he called to tell me he couldn't feed them dinner. this has happened so many, many times. he'll either "warn" me, or simply bring them home, hungry. it's very upsetting. we were on the phone for about 15 minutes...15 minutes longer than i would have liked. we went into other topics as well, such as the parenting agreement which should have been signed at mediation (because we agreed on everything). well, his lawyer tweaked the wording, which could change the meaning. he and his lawyer signed the newly tweaked version of the agreement, but we can't use that agreement because his lawyer made changes that the court won't even accept (such as changing the children's names into initials). so now my lawyer has to go through their agreement, word for word, and send it back for more changes. this costs me more money and the divorce continues to drag on, unnecessarily. we could have been divorced several months ago. this is why i have been ready to move on with my life, for some time now. it all comes down to getting some pieces of paper signed. when you have lived your life in limbo for a long period of time, unable to move forward, simply because of a piece of paper lacking signatures....it's extremely aggravating. anyway....

i am trying to let go of that upsetting conversation with alien. i am feeling very sad for him. he left the church and his heart is very hardened. i am gratefully no longer in love with him, but i do care about his well being. how can i not? i loved him for a very long time and we share three precious children. he will be in my life, whether i like it or not, for a long time. i still have sad moments. i don't cry about it anymore, but i feel sadness for what has happened to my family - to my children. i am sad for them. they've been through a lot and will continue to struggle as a result of another's choices. but we have each other, and i am very grateful for that. we have grown closer to one another and closer to the gospel. that is a wonderful thing!

i think of adversity as a golden opportunity for positive change, hidden deep inside an ugly box. it is only when we look past the ugliness and dig deep inside, that we find a treasure than can be ours. we just need to make the effort. this reminds me of that butterfly analogy, which i heard once again last sunday during sacrament meeting. a butterfly needs to struggle within the cacoon because that is what pumps blood through its wings so it can fly and survive. we, too, need opportunities to struggle so that we can find strength, spread our own "wings," and fly to greater heights than we ever could have imagined. it doesn't seem like it, but adversity is our friend.

my title was typed out of frustration, when i first began this blog. i don't necessarily want adversity to go away. rather, i want the strength, patience, resolve, and peace to get through the hard times. we can't pray or wish difficulties and problems away, but we can certainly ask that our burdens be lightened or lifted somehow. our prayers can be answered through people or through opportunities that come our way. one thing is for sure, i know that God answers prayers. it may not always be in the way we'd like or expect, but the answers do come. besides, things turn out much better when we follow the Lord's will and not our own.