i'm a what???

i was about to title this blog, "i'm a schmuck" until i learned what "schmuck" actually is. heh...oops. so, instead, i'll just call myself an idiot. that'll suit me just fine, right now.

i really hate insecurity. more specifically, i despise being insecure. [note: i can already tell this blog is going to take forever to write, with the way this morning is going]

sure, enough...it's two and a half hours later and i am just now continuing this blog. it's been a busy morning. i made a big breakfast for the kids: scrambled eggs with cheese, pancakes, tator tots and fresh-squeezed orange juice. i realize i can easily make cereal, but sometimes it's nice to do something special and out-of-the-ordinary. normally, i save the big breakfasts for the weekend, when things aren't *as* crazy. besides, it's mckenna's last day with us, until school starts up again, in the fall. it's been such a pleasure having her, and i am so grateful for the job. sure, it's been difficult, but i feel very blessed to have had the opportunity!

so, back to the blog topic. i am lame - i admit it. i have this amazing prospect up ahead and i feel as if i am sabotaging it. do i feel unworthy of this chance? i am not sure. last night i was having one massive pity party. i rarely go there...but yesterday was especially difficult, for a variety of reasons. i haven't crashed into "wallowland" for quite some time - not like last night. for the friend i love, i saw a road which forked in the middle. one path led to freedom, security, adventure, mystery. it was paved with money and dipped down into a beautiful valley with lush gardens and trees. the other road was rough, embedded with rocks. it was not an easy path to take, as it revealed another hill at every turn. there were dips in the road, now and then..sometimes with a brook to stop and take a refreshing drink at...but this was not an easy road. i am being vague and strange right now, for a reason. good thing i at least know what i am talking about. *smile* last night, after putting my precious little ones to bed, i sat on my couch and thought this over. i feel like the more difficult choice, and i wondered to myself, "who, in their right mind, would choose this? and why??"

i wallowed. i threw myself a pity party. i am really good at making myself depressed, if i allow it. that's just the thing, i knew exactly what i was doing, and yet i continued doing it. why, do i do that to myself? i found myself analyzing every little thing - over-analyzing, i should say. i began creating red flags where there probably *are* no red flags! still, i couldn't see past the dates and things that were said and done on those dates. on top of being in agony over that, i was putting myself down quite a bit - comparing myself, which is never a good idea. everyone has their strengths and weaknesses. everyone has their great qualities, and everyone has poor qualities, too. of course, when comparing, we tend to only compare our worst to someone else's best (what we perceive to be someone else's best). good thing i am able to acknowledge all this, otherwise i'd probably never crawl my way out of the hole i dug for myself.

i spoke to my mom last night, just before going to bed. once again, i went to bed wayyy too late. however, i know myself well enough to know i wouldn't be able to sleep with all that was on my mind. i also can't sleep when i am feeling that low. talking to my mom helped. she reminded me the source of my negativity. when she told me to just put my hands on my hips and go, "pthhh!!" to that source (yeah, she really did go, "pthhh!" into the phone), i laughed so hard. it was hilarious. laughter always helps me transition into a better place. i appreciated her advice and her humor. feeling better, i hung up with my mom and treated myself to a long, hot shower. i brought my stereo in (not IN the shower, don't worry), and played a particular jem song, over and over again. then i went to bed.

this morning, i got an upsetting call from my mom. my friend had copied my blog and shared it with her. i wasn't too thrilled about that. i love that they are communicating, but where is the line drawn? my mom was concerned that i was damaging my future by blogging. i didn't see the harm in venting last night, but i suppose, now, i do. the last thing i wanted to do was cause anyone to feel badly....especially someone i love and respect beyond measure. that pains me. this whole situation i'm in is extremely frustrating. the one person i desire most to communicate with, i can't. and when conflicts or questions arise while we aren't even able to discuss it, what are we to do?? i end up venting into a blog!

i don't know what to do with this new information i have. despite that, i still love my friend fervently and wait with highly impatient anticipation for that time when we are able to talk again. there is a lot to talk about. i detest my insecurities. these lowly feelings are only intensified by the bizarre cicumstances we find ourselves in. i feel exactly as my friend, who once wrote: "When I'm alone I'm lonely but confident. When I'm with someone that I love I'm happy and confident. When I'm wanting someone that I love and can't have and be with, I'm REALLY not confident." so, that is where i am right now. unable to discuss new information, new feelings about new things and so forth...stirs insecurity in me that normally is not there. i am trying my best to talk myself out of it. it's easier said than done, though.

you know what? being depressed is depressing. i am going to focus on the positives and remind myself what is true right now. i am going to stop questioning things that happened a couple months ago, because they are in the past and i can't discuss those things with my friend right now, anyway. these lowly feelings are futile. my mom believes my worries and doubts are going to ruin any bright future i might have. i don't want to do that. there is an amazing, handsome, wonderful, wise, beautiful soul that waits in the wings for this tired mother of three. i don't understand it, but i do believe in it. i suppose i have felt like this is all too good to be true...but then, that's just the little devil on my shoulder, whispering in my ear. time to flick him off, put my hands on my hips and say, "ptthhhhh!!"