fear, integrity & love

i just had to write a blog while my heart is this full. my "bucket" is perpetually overflowing with so many, many good thoughts and feelings.

my ward - is awesome. the thought of leaving is absolutely heart-breaking. i can't imagine feeling this warm, welcomed and loved any other place. this is, by far, the best ward i have ever been in. when i attend, it's like walking straight into the arms of family that loves me sincerely, genuinely, absolutely. i will do whatever i can to stay in this ward for as long as possible. still, i will go wherever the Lord would have me go. i will go wherever He has need of me.

i went to bed after midnight, and slept through the alarm on my cell phone. because of that, i missed the sacrament! that's not good - that's the main reason for going! i brought my scrumptious peanut butter cookies and added them to the mountain of goodies, which sat next to our relief society president. i was worried that there wouldn't be enough cookies, but there were tons! in fact, i saw some youth walking around the halls, eating these cookies. that's kind of annoying, since they were made for the fathers. i didn't spend my morning baking cookies for the youth! ah, well...there were so many cookies leftover that, much to their delight, the men received a second helping during priesthood. segue time!

why is it, that the men always get edible treats on father's day and the women always get some kind of plant? i've decided that the relief society is a sebaceous group, fattening up its men all the time. we sure love to bake and cook, don't we?!?

after cookies were passed out, i hung around, waiting for my bishop to become free. i can't tell you how awesome it felt, to give him the "thumbs up" - third sunday in a row!!! we are both very well pleased with things. i had asked him about remaining in the ward and also about getting a new patriarchal blessing. he had no definitive answers for me, so i will check back with him next week....after i give him a fourth thumbs up. yesssss!! i am beaming.

i was feeling uncomfortable, as i walked towards sunday school (now being held in the relief society room). perhaps i am so used to being with my children? i felt awkward, all by myself. i almost felt like i forgot how to socialize without children being part of the conversation. people were chatting it up, all around me. i was quiet and reserved. hmm....why? i sat down next to my beloved friend, who always holds jenna for me (and puts her to sleep, in the process). she put her arm around me, and that was ALL i needed to let go. release the floodgates! she knew exactly what it was, and so she said, "let's take a walk." she put her arm around me and we left the room. it was so nice to talk to somebody about things. i told her about my weekend, my feelings about father's day, my concerns for my children...basically everything that was on my mind. she was a good listener and shared valuable thoughts and advice as well. i love her! i told her about possibly moving. before i could say much about my friend, she already knew. she has this amazing way of picking up on things without words being exchanged. like everyone else, she was happy for me and pleased that i am doing things the right way. she had a few questions - i answered them. she was satisfied with the answers, and once again, embraced me and gave reassuring and comforting words. then, we returned to class.

feeling much better, i was able to focus on the remainder of the lesson. it was really good. the lesson being taught and the comments being made, always seem to be tailor-made for me and my life. i love that!

in relief society, i was asked to give a prayer...either opening or closing. i froze in fear. this is something i have always, always struggled with. i am not sure why i have this fear, but i do. perhaps i compare myself to those who say beautiful, long, eloquent prayers. mine are simple and i suppose i feel badly about that. i am nervous that i will misuse a word and sound like an idiot. i know, it shouldn't matter...but i care. my friend gives the most beautiful prayers. he'd like me to offer the prayer when i am with him, but i feel like my abilities to do so are so far beneath him. as i write this, that just sounds awful. that's how i feel, though.

anyway, i tend to decline, when asked to give the prayer. i also decline giving talks. i really hate how this fear rules me. so...i agreed to give the opening prayer. i figured i could just get it over with. eeek! as soon as i agreed, my heart began to race. but first - the opening song! oh, man...that was the longest opening song E-V-E-R. with each word that was sung, we were closer to the end, and closer to the prayer i'd have to give. ahhhh!! i began to regret saying "yes." this probably sounds ridiculous to some people...but when you have a fear like this, as i do....it is AWFUL. well, the song ended and i stood up and gave the opening prayer. and then it was over. i sat down. my heart felt like it was going to shoot out of my chest! but i smiled, and felt relieved. i also felt a great sense of accomplishment. i am going to say yes, from now on. i am going to face my fears. if i never face them, how will i ever get over them??

the lesson in relief society was soooo wonderful. my friend (who always holds jenna) taught it. she is by FAR the best relief society teacher i have ever had. she is eloquent and has this amazing ability of making the lesson come alive. she can take any topic and make anyone interested in it. she captivates us and i always get so much out of it. the lesson was on personal integrity. she opened by talking about spring cleaning. we might have junk in our closets, cobwebs in dark corners. if company comes, and we are not prepared, we might sweep things under the rug. she compared this to our integrity. what things do we have hidden away, deep inside? what areas in our lives do we need to pay attention to, and "spring clean?" we might be able to fool some people, but we know the choices we make. we have to live with ourselves.

integrity is what you do...when no one is watching. if we look at our hands, and imagine they are the savior's hands...what would those hands be doing? what would our feet be doing, if they were the Savior's feet? would our feet be walking into the store on sunday? would our hands be hitting a child? would our eyes be looking at pornography? would our ears be listening to innapropriate music? when we stand before Him, all those things that were hidden away or swept under a rug, will be laid out before us. we will not be able to hide. this is why we need to continually work on our personal integrity. if we "spring cleaning" on a daily basis, there will be no filth (whether great OR small) to worry about. the Lord looks upon sin - filth - with NO degree of allowance. so, people...let's do our spring cleaning - all year 'round!

since i missed sacrament, i stayed another hour and enjoyed the next ward's sacrament meeting. my friend is in that ward, so i sat with her. it was nice...and i am really glad i stayed. it feels really good to partake of the sacrament.

i decided to drive home on beautiful dash point road. my heart was bursting with so many things....truth, joy, peace, love... ah, love. there is much i want to say on that matter, but i will save that for my private blog. *smile*