relief society broadcast

i was able to find a last-minute babysitter so i could attend the relief society dinner and broadcast. i took six pages of notes and had a fabulous time, and i just have to write about it!

i didn't go with anyone, so i was a bit nervous to enter the cultural hall and find it abuzz with women chatting at every table. thankfully, i spotted women from my ward at a long table in the center of the room, and made my way over. everyone turned and smiled and since there were no more seats available, they encouraged me to grab a chair from another table and pull it up the end - which i did.

oh, it felt amazing to have this much-needed break from children and be surrounded by friends in the gospel. i was excited to finally have some adult conversation and looked forward to hearing the uplifting messages from the broadcast.

the tables were beautifully set (as they always are) and dinner was delicious! we had these chicken & cheese crepes with a YUMMY salad that had apples, pears and craisins. my friends and i enjoyed the food as we got caught up on one another's lives, laughed about random things and cracked up as we scoped the room for more cheesecake.

after a delicious and enjoyable meal, we all headed like cattle into the chapel. haha..."mooooo!" well, i thought it was funny, anyway. there was still over half an hour before it was to start, so we (like everyone else) chatted and giggled until after about twenty minutes, when a musical slideshow began. it was a nice relief, from the noise of talkative women. i have to admit, i felt somewhat uncomfortable by the noise level in the chapel. i just feel it should be much quieter than that.

the slideshow began. all wards contributed photos for the slideshow, of various enrichment nights, activities and basically anything that showed what relief society was all about. it was exciting to suddenly see my sister on the big screen. i nudged my friends and said, "that's my sister!!" it was especially fun to see photos from my own ward, since the faces from other wards are so unfamiliar to me. i was in one of the photos - from a "lunch bunch" we had last year at the mexican restaurant, azteca. i vividly remember that day. my divorce was still very fresh and i cried through most of my lunch. *sigh* many of the women i met that day were strangers to me. today, those women are close friends.

when the slideshow ended, there were only a few minutes left - then the broadcast began. president hinckley and thomas s. monson were present. i thought that was so cool.

i love when the saints gather like this. it felt so amazing to sing together. it's nothing like singing hymns with the ward. it was very loud and clear - and so sweet. it was like a chorus of angels (which i am sure sounds even better). i just love voices booming beautifully, in unison like that!

julie beck, the general relief society president, spoke first. she spoke on the duties and values of the relief society. first, we must have faith. we must keep our covenants, share the gospel, hold family home evening, learn self-reliance and hold personal and family prayer and scripture study. these are the marks of true discipleship. second, she spoke on family. we are to uphold, nourish, defend and protect the family unit. we must respect the priesthood, nurture family members, perform temple ordinances, and defend the divine roles of women. the world would have us believe that our roles are indispensable. but the world offers only counterfeit happiness. we are to preserve our potential as daughters of God. i love how sister beck said, "families are work. we are not afraid of work." third, the relief society is about giving relief. we are to lift others up, lighten their burdens. we need to serve others as the Lord's disciples. we are truly His hands on the earth. we provide relief of all kinds - relief from physical strain, emotional pain, financial hardships, loneliness, and so forth. we must provide relief from all that would hinder joy and progression. we can assist the Lord by helping others. it's as simple as kneeling in prayer and asking, "Lord, who has need of me?"

our dear prophet, gordon b. hinckley, has said that "we have a greater challenge than we realize." the relief society is here to give relief from the storms of life. "there is a better way, than the way of the world" gordon b. hinckley also said.

silvia allred, first counselor of the general relief society presidency, spoke next. she spoke of relieving the poor and saving souls. she referred to john 21:15-17 when jesus said again and again, "lovest thou me? feed my sheep."

she spoke of the importance of visiting teaching and the great impact it can have on women's lives. the giver and the receiver are both edified through genuine and consistent visiting teaching efforts. we must serve gladly, with a joyful and willing heart.

barbara thompson, 2nd counselor of the general relief society presidency, spoke third. she talked about what is happening to families today. as a social worker, she sees a great deal of the sadness which comes from troubled families. the world would have us believe that moral values are silly and old-fashioned. we are enticed with the "easy life" - free of hard work and responsibility. the world teaches us that a mother and a father are unnecessary - that the family unit does not matter. then, she spoke about what distinguishes stable families from dysfunctional ones. stable families know who they are and have clear goals and values. within stable families, work and prayer are taught by example. parents read to and with their children, there is family time, forgiveness and patience.

this life is not easy. however, the Savior of the world knows how we feel. he has been through it. he has felt what we have felt. in matthew, chapter 11, it reads:

28 Come unto me, all ye that labour and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest.

29 Take my yoke upon you, and learn of me; for I am meek and lowly in heart: and ye shall find rest unto your souls.

30 For my yoke is easy, and my burden is light.

the Lord will help us. isaiah 41:10 reads, "Fear thou not; for I am with thee: be not dismayed; for I am thy God: I will strengthen thee; yea, I will help thee; yea, I will uphold thee with the right hand of my righteousness."

thomas s. monson spoke last. i love him!! he was so funny. he acknowledged all the women in the conference center as well as all the women watching the broadcast around the world. he realized, "i'm in the minority - i must be careful on my comments." of course, there was an appreciative boom of laughter from us. he also said something about a woman who asked a bookstore employee where she could find a book entitled, "men: master of women." the bookstore employee replied, "try the fiction section." haha!

president monson said it is imperative that we do three things: study diligently, pray earnestly, and serve willinging.

study diligently
D&C 88: 118 reads, "And as all have not faith, seek ye diligently and teach one another words of wisdom; yea, seek ye out of the best books words of wisdom; seek learning, even by study and also by faith."

scripture study helps our families. children must have a firm foundation or else they are susceptible to worldly influences. sadly, children are being educated by the media. president monson said children watch four hours of television each day - most often full of violence and sexuality. on top of those four hours are additional hours playing video games and so forth. scary!!

2 Ne. 9:28 reads, "O that cunning plan of the evil one! O the vainness, and the frailties, and the foolishness of men! When they are learned they think they are wise, and they hearken not unto the counsel of God, for they set it aside, supposing they know of themselves, wherefore, their wisdom is foolishness and it profiteth them not. And they shall perish."

we must not take this lightly. the adversary is real. he is powerful and cunning. even the strongest can fall. if we study diligently, we arm ourselves against the adversary and can weather the storms that come our way. knowledge is power!

pray earnestly
D&C 19:38 reads, "Pray always, and I will pour out my Spirit upon you, and great shall be your blessing—yea, even more than if you should obtain treasures of earth and corruptibleness to the extent thereof."

with prayer, we are able to resist temptations. what a wonderful thing! if only everyone did this!

president monson said, "do not pray for tasks equal to your abilities, pray for abilities equal to your tasks." how true! how are we to ever grow if we do not allow challenges to send us into the refiner's fire? we can make it through anything, if we pray for strength to overcome and get through those adversities.

serve willingly
we need to be observant and act upon those promptings we receive. so many acts of service can be small to us, but a big deal to the person receiving that service. we forget that even something as simple as a smile can make a huge difference. yes, even a genuine smile can be an act of service!

here's a cute story i liked: president monson said one sister was up in the middle of the night with her children. she was very tired and worn out. a kind sister across the street told her she had seen her lights on in the middle of the night and knew she must have been up with her children. this sweet sister offered to take her children for a few hours so she could take a nap. grateful, this woman accepted. of course, later she realized that if that sister had seen her lights on in the middle of the night, that must have meant her neighbor was up in the middle of the night with her children, too!! i thought that was a funny story.

we need to think more of others and less of ourselves. truly, when we focus on others, our problems can diminish. they can sometimes even go away. if we lose ourselves in serving others, we can find ourselves. what a beautiful thing!

i am so grateful for the relief society broadcast i attended. i am so thankful to be a member of the relief society and be surrounded by such incredible women. what a wonderful organization!

grandma benson

i was unable to attend my grandma's funeral in california. i wish i had a picture of her to post on here. i just have these photos from the funeral. i didn't know her as well as my mother's mother, but i do have fond memories of visiting her at her home in tulare when i was younger. she was a sassy lady and deeper into geneology than most mormons i know - and she wasn't even a member (yet)!



these are the flowers my siblings and i contributed.

this is love

43 years of marriage - 6 children - 17 grandchildren (and more to come, i'm sure!)

happy anniversary (9/26) to my awesome parents!!!

1964


1990


2007

weekend tid bits

i am sewing again - i love eeet!! i really miss creating things. i am also going to try getting back into making cards and scrapbooking. it's been too long. friday night, after dropping the kids off with their dad, i treated myself to a fun night! after doing some fun things for myself, i ended up finishing this baby wall quilt i had started a couple weeks ago. i was up til 2am, stitching the binding on and watching wild hogs (which is an okay movie with tons of unnecessary junk in it, inserted for a cheap laugh - me no likey!). anyway, here it is! i mailed it today and i hope they enjoy it...



i didn't think going to bed so late would be an issue, since i had no children to wake me up! i could sleep in - yessss! um, no. the phone rang after just five hours of sleep. it was a good friend of mine who is having a difficult time in her marriage. i told her to call me anytime, so i listened as she told me everything that has been going on. she'd caught her husband with pornography a few times, early in their marriage. sadly, she recently found out that he's continued looking at pornography, and hiding it, for the past seven years. my heart hurt for her, because i can relate. we talked for a couple hours and then she needed to make lunch and i needed to get ready for the day.

i had byutv on in the backround, as i got ready. there was a women's conference on at the time. after a short time, that ended, and another program began. it was on pornography. it was one of the best "talks" on pornography that i have ever known (and believe me, i have done my research!). it was truly excellent and i wanted my friend to know about it. i discovered the transcript HERE. so, if you are personally dealing with this addiction or know someone who is, i highly recommend reading it in its entirety. pornography is extremely addicting, destructive and insidious. i have come to know many, many divorced and divorcing women and pornography seems to be at the core of their failed marriages. pornography greatly distorts men's views on their marriages, womanhood, and intimacy. in their shame, they withdraw from involving themselves in meaningful relationships and use their addiction as an escape from feeling negative emotions, such as anger, sadness, boredom and stress. rather than deal with these emotions, they turn to pornography for a quick fix. however, this quick fix only makes dealing with life much more difficult. here is a piece from the talk:

"[Pornography is] like pouring water down a hill: initially the water takes several different paths; but as more water is poured, certain channels are engraved into the hillside, and as more water is poured it consistently follows a set path. As pornography is used to escape from anxiety, boredom, fear, loneliness, sadness, hurt, anger, or shame, it’s like pouring water down the consistent path, so the automatic escape route from these feelings is an activity that channels the brain even further. Cellular memory groups where images are stored will always be there to beckon back to the computer screen. And they further constrain the brain’s ability to consider alternative actions and paths."

this talk is really, really interesting because it explains the way men's brains function, and how pornography can actually change its chemical makeup. that is very scary!! anyway, enough on this subject. go read the talk - it is VERY good, and VERY important. this problem is so prevalent. i believe it is one of the adversary's greatest tools in destroying marriages and families. it's working. the best thing we can do is educate ourselves and our families about this, while avoiding it all costs.

so, i left the house much later than i thought i would, due to the morning phone call and listening to the talk while getting ready. the timing of things is really interesting. because of my late start, i arrived at the bishop's storehouse later than i originally intended. as i stood at the counter, i overheard two of the women discussing child support issues. i interjected myself into their conversation and they happily included me. then another woman walked in and seemed interested in what we were talking about. later, as i was finishing up my food order, the woman that had come in after me said, "hey, we are exchanging numbers!" how cool! we four ladies all have divorce in common. kinda funny how it immediately bonds people. divorce is such a devastating thing, especially when you are not the one who wants it. it helps to have people to talk to, who have "been there, done that." i have met the most amazing women who have endured so much heartache because of their spouse's poor use of agency. sadly, we are vulnerable to be adversely affected by other people's bad choices. however, we can use these difficult times as opportunities and we can meet amazing people we may never have met, had we not gone through the adversity. life is beautiful and painful. i am grateful for the blessings of peaks and valleys. if we didn't have those low times, we could never truly appreciate those moments when we soar. life is rich with experiences and i welcome it all - the good and the bad. i am thankful for a loving Father in Heaven who knows me, better than i know myself. surely He knew i was ready for this trial. He knew i could handle it. i am His daughter - what a blessing, to know that!

it is also such a blessing to bring my children back home. they are healthy, they are happy, they are whole. what an honor, to be their mother. after i bathed the children and put james and jenna to bed, i let jessica stay up with me. it is good for us, to have these mommy-daughter times. she has definitely been affected most, by the breaking up of our family. sometimes she says, "mama, remember when..." and then she'll tell me a painful memory from last year. she remembers me crying, she remembers my husband being gone all the time. my heart breaks for her. my parents are still together after all these years. i am sad that my daughter will never know what it's like to have her two biological parents, united and happy, her whole life through. i am so determined to provide her with the best possible home i can, and teach her those important values that will see her through difficult times and assist her in decision-making. i worry about her, most of all, because she knows the most. so we stayed up and talked as we played uno. we laughed about silly things and just had a great time. i listened as she told me about school, her memories, her feelings about the divorce, and her weekend with her dad. she tells me about her hopes for the future and about what she thinks of the past. i always want her to feel comfortable with me, to confide in me and know she can tell me anything. after uno, we went upstairs and talked some more on my bed. then, we read scriptures. i had her read d&c 122:7. she did a fantastic job, too! we talked about adversity and agency. we discussed what she can do if she is faced with something difficult. we talked about her options, when it comes time to make a decision about something. i appreciate these opportunities to converse with my daughter, to teach her, to listen and to share. it was a really wonderful night.

my weekend was great! i accomplished a lot,
i had a lot of fun, i enjoyed my FREEDOM,
and i loved having the children back with me again.

oh! and i almost forgot something!
my most favorite jeans that always fit me so perfectly
- "sweet jeans" -
were on sale today. they were only $3.74, people!!!
YEAH, BABY!!
and with that, i bid you all adeiu
(or however it's spelled).

somehow, mother goose knew...

i see the moon,
and the moon sees me,
and the moon sees somebody
i want to see.

God bless the moon,
and God bless me,
and God bless the somebody
i want to see.

my two cents on fashion

a person isn't shallow simply because they enjoy fashion and dress well. i think it depends on the individual. you could have two people wearing the exact same trendy outfit and they could be having totally different attitudes about what they are wearing. one might be arrogant and want everyone to take notice while the other person simply saw the outfit and thought it was nice. it's wrong for the fashionable people to pass judgement on those that don't keep up with the latest trends, are poor, or don't know how to match. however, it also wrong for those that could care less about fashion (or can't afford nice things) to judge the people who enjoy shopping for clothes and wearing the latest styles. both the people who "dress for success" and the people who could care less are arrogant and shallow when they have a judgemental attitude.

let's face it - whether we like it or not, people do judge by appearances. i think we've all done it. i know i have. i think sometimes it is necessary and other times, it is flat out wrong. for example, i am more likely to hire a clean cut female teenager to watch my children than some 40 year old male biker. it is possible that the biker might be a better babysitter than the nice-looking teenage girl, but hey - we do often go by impressions, don't we?

as parents, wouldn't we be more leery of our children hanging out with the kids that have tattoos and wear black all the time - as opposed to the kids that dress modestly and seem well-behaved? what we wear does send messages, whether we like it or not.

there was a girl i went to high school with that had a really bad reputation. she wore suggestive clothing and had a large chest. guys were always around her. i, like everyone else, thought she was "easy." well, i ended up in a class with her later on, and i got to know her. she was a total virgin. her appearance said otherwise.

i also knew a guy that dressed pretty strange. he was a loner. he wore combat boots, fish net stockings, had piercings, wore eyeliner, and had a crazy red mohawk. everyone had their assumptions about him. he was a bad guy, he was looney, he was scary. well, i had the opportunity to get to know him as well and he was the sweetest guy. he was quiet, talented, and kind. who'd have thought? his clothing didn't seem to say that.

in the lds Church, our missionaries are clean cut and modest. missionaries come from all walks of life. they listen to different kinds of music and have different personal styles. so why is it that they are out serving, they all look alike? they are representing the Lord! i wonder how many would still be drawn to the gospel if our missionaries dressed in their own personal styles and no rules applied?

we may say we should be able to dress however we like and not be judged whatsoever, but that is arrogant and unrealistic. i say it is arrogant because many people seem to automatically assume they are being judged. it's like they already have a chip on their shoulder when it comes to fashion. they are irritated that people judge and yet they themselves are passing their own kind of judgement. it's really interesting to me.

i've known some people who were less popular in school, some poor and some simply didn't have any fashion sense. a few of these people have such an extreme dislike for fashion because there is pain in their school years that relates to this. they might remember being judged harshly and treated badly by the popular, rich kids...and so they go into adulthood with a massive chip on their shoulder, as if fashion is to blame. but it's not fashion - it's those individuals that were wrong. just because someone grew up poor does not automatically make others wrong for enjoying shopping for clothes and dressing well. that's ridiculous!

there is that popular phrase stating that "clothes makes the man." however, an excellent point has been made, that the Savior of the world was expected by many to come in fine clothing that a king would be expected to wear. however, He arrived in apparel most humble. but we can also read about wealthy men who dressed very fine, and were righteous men. no, it doesn't matter what is on the outside. after all, you can't take it with you, right?

everyone has their own ideas about what it attractive. to me, a clean cut man who dresses "GQ" commands attention. this doesn't mean the guy is a good guy, true. but what if there is a really good man who also dresses well? what a catch, i say!! now, i would much rather be with a good man that was fashion-challenged than the GQ jerk. absolutely!! i want lasting qualities...the whole eternal package! and if he allows me to help him dress in a way that enhances how handsome he already is, that is awesome!

perception can be frustrating and even far from the truth, but it's there. and there is nothing wrong with having some fashion sense. what's the matter with learning how to match and dressing for one's body type? nothing!! there is no arrogance in it, unless the individual is arrogant. i think this subject can be argued well on both sides. first impressions are real but we also need to get to know people. my brain is all over the place right now, so i feel like this is the most disorganized blog ever. oh well. this fashion topic was bugging me so i wanted to get it out of my head so i can better enjoy my evening. *smile*

me? i love to shop for clothes. i like my children to wear cute outfits. i know that kids can be cruel. i am not going to dress them poorly just to prove a point. i want my children to be stylish but also modest. i want them to have good fashion sense. i have been trying to teach my daughter how to match colors and styles. i am not going to send her off to school in some strange outfit when i know that kids can be insensitive. i want her to focus on her education. i think the kids that dress strangely might have a more difficult time concentrating in school if kids give them a hard time.

i also enjoy buying clothes for myself. this is actually a new thing. i have wanted to get a whole new wardrobe because all the clothes in my closest had been purchased by my soon-to-be-ex-husband. i guess you could say my clothes shopping was symbolic. anyway, putting on new clothes can feel really great. i don't think it should be a crutch - meaning, clothes should not always determine one's happiness. but i do think that dressing nice can help put a little bounce in someone's step.

i remember reading an article a long time ago about a battered woman's shelter. many of these women and their children were poor and wore old, mis-matched clothing. they gave these women a chance to get brand new clothes for themselves and their children. they also gave them makeovers. this really boosted their self confidence! i think it is wonderful when people dress in such a way that helps them feel good about themselves and feel happy.

if i am wearing some sloppy outfit, have no makeup on and my hair is not done, i definitely feel differently than if i was wearing a nice outfit, i was having a good hair day and my makeup looked nice. i don't think there is anything wrong with that.

well, enough of this. i have plans tonight!!

accident

early this week, i was heading home after dropping jasmine off at her mom's work. the thought came into my mind that i should run an errand while i was out, so i did. after the errand, i was nearing home when i saw that the main road was blocked off. there were flares on the ground and police cars everywhere. it's a T intersection, so we had no choice but to turn right. i drove down the road then turned around. as we passed the scene again, i thought i saw a vehicle with a smashed front end, but i wasn't sure. i had no idea how to get home from the other direction, but we ended up having a really nice, scenic drive. amazingly, i made turns at all the right places because we got home right away. luckily, my street was not blocked off as i thought it might be. the flares blocked the main road just after the entrance to my cul de sac.

i wondered what had happened. i wondered if i would have been involved in whatever happened, if i had shrugged off my errand and went straight home. it gives me chills, just thinking about it. family came over that night to give my daughter a priesthood blessing for the first day of school, and a blessing for me as well. the road was still blocked off when they came. after they went home and i put my children to bed, i could still see police lights flashing through the trees, from my bedroom window. i started to feel scared. my mind wandered. what if it hadn't been a car accident? what if there was some bad person on the loose or holding someone hostage? my imagination runs wild at night! it was difficult to fall asleep.

well, the week went on and the road opened up again. on wednesday, i passed the area and noticed a small gathering of flowers and balloons on the side of the road. that is when i realized someone had died that day. i wondered who it was. i wondered if it was more than one person. i wondered if it could have been me or my children. i felt very sad for the people that lost a loved one.

the pile of balloons and flowers by the side of the road has continued to grow. i figured the person that died must have been a motorcyclist because i kept seeing other motorcyclists visiting the site. it's very sad. it also feels strange, knowing that someone died right on the other side of the trees, near my backyard.

as i passed the site again this evening, i decided to go home and run a search on-line, to see if i could find out what happened. i found this:

Car hits, kills man who fell from motorcycle

THE NEWS TRIBUNE Published: September 4th, 2007 01:00 AM

A motorcyclist died late Monday afternoon after he fell from his vehicle on Dash Point Road and was hit by an oncoming car.
The driver was described by a Federal Way Police spokesman as a man in his 20s who recently left the military.

About 4:50 p.m., the motorcyclist was headed south when he crossed the center line in the 4700 block of Dash Point Road. As he slid along the roadway, he collided with a car driven by a woman in her 40s. The woman was not injured.

The motorcyclist died at the scene. The police spokesman said alcohol and drugs did not appear to be a factor. The accident investigation forced the closure of the road, which was not expected to reopen until early today.

Jeffrey P. Mayor, The News Tribune

i don't like motorcycles.

[later] my goodness - i just realized that i left the house at about 4:50pm that day. i must have barely missed it, thank goodness. i hope i am never involved in a bad accident.

my treat

i had a terrible day, yesterday. it had been a long and difficult day with the children, and then i had a nasty confrontation with alien (my soon-to-be-ex-husband). it was over the phone and the kids didn't hear it. to top it all off, it was his night to have the children. i put on a strong and confident front, but as soon as they drove out of sight, i went into the house and fell apart. it's very difficult to deal with such adversity then come into an empty house. i needed someone to talk to. the person i most wanted to speak with is the one person i can't speak to right now, so i called my parents. it was good to vent a little, and then they had to go.

i went out to the backyard and sat on the bench swing. it is so peaceful and beautiful there, and i am so very grateful for it. it's times like these that i need peace more than ever. i didn't want to wallow in my anger and sadness, so after about ten minutes of swinging and pondering, i grabbed my scriptures and left to go for a drive.

i drove by my church building. i was hoping someone would be there so i could go inside and read. for some reason, i just wanted to be there. no one was there, so i continued on. i drove past gino's the italian restuarant i always drive by but have never been to. i made a mental note to try that place out someday. i ran a couple errands and was about to drive past gino's again. this time, i turned into the parking lot and went inside. i was really hungry and decided to treat myself. it had been an awful day - lots of sadness, lots of challenges. i told myself i deserved it, so i bought some food and took it home.

i laid out a picnic for myself in the beautiful backyard. it was just enough to lift my spirits. the food was insanely delicious - gnocci in red sauce, caesar salad, bread and orange soda. holy cow, that was the most divine gnocci EVERRRR. the guy made the sauce for me from scratch (it better be from scratch, at that price!). the only thing that would have topped this experience would be if i had a certain someone to share it with. i made another mental note: take him to gino's, first chance i get. *smile*



i wish i would have saved some gnocci for today's lunch, but i was way too greedy last night. *yummy!!*

james: puzzle master

james has shown a recent interest in puzzles, and he's getting really good at it! i love to sit back and observe as he figures it out on his own. when he completes a puzzle, he beams with pride and we high five - then it's onto the next one!

where'd my little gloworm go?

right after jessica was born, we put a knitted hat on her head and wrapped her snugly in a receiving blanket. with her big, blinking eyes and round, squishy cheeks, she looked exactly like the gloworm doll i had when i was little.

now, almost seven years later, she is a first grader. *sigh* she is so beautiful, inside and out. i am so pleased with her.

camera happy james

james is becoming quite the photographer! sure, i cropped this one - but still! it's nice to be in some of the family photos, you know?

sneaky jenna

just goes to show you...a lot can happen in three seconds.

1st day of school!!

it's been quite a day! jessica began 1st grade and mckenna returned to us after being gone all summer (her mom is a kindergarten teacher). after a special breakfast, i buckled all five kiddos in the van and we drove to the end of our street, where jessica's bus would pick her up. we were the only ones waiting, so i was nervous that the bus had already come. still, we were early according to the bus schedule, so we took pictures as we waited.

jessica looks so cute today, in her new school outfit. she insisted on a side ponytail, because apparently, that's what all the cool girls do! i added a red ribbon for flare. she looks great! i think a cute, new outfit will help her confidence today, as she begins first grade at a brand new school - twin lakes elementary. her teacher is ms. milliron and it's a 1st/2nd grade split class. i was in a 1st/2nd grade split when i was in the first grade, too - i thought that was cool. i hope she'll be able to do really well, being in a class with older students. it can be a positive thing!

a bus passed us on the street, going in the opposite direction. i knew right away that it was her bus and that she was the last stop on the route. there was no one else around, so i propped my camera on a nearby tree and put it on timer. i wish i had a better photo of jessica and i together on her first day - oh well. i do what i can.

i had the four little ones sitting buckled in the van as we waited for the bus. when it came into view, everyone got really excited!! i introduced jessica to the bus driver, stacy, and we had a brief chat. then, i hopped into the van and followed it to the school (as discreetly as possible).

at twin lakes elementary, the parking lot was PACKED. i was so sad that i couldn't park anywhere. it would have been so nice to get out with the four children and wait with jessica at her classroom. however, i was able to stop briefly in the drop off zone and saw jessica get off the bus. i waved to her - she smiled, waved back, then continued on to her classroom. i am so pleased with her, and so excited for her. i also felt really nervous!! i am such a mom...

after that, i ran a couple errands (such as dropping off my final project for class!) and then headed home. the kids loved the new play room set up. i got rid of all the junky, miscellaneous toys and added some activities that will stimulate their little brains. i have learned so much in my early childhood education classes, that i want to implement that knowledge here, at home. i have new blocks and puzzles, dramatic play items and so forth. it's wonderful!! when james came downstairs this morning and saw everything for the first time, he said, "mom, this is really beautiful." i so love him - what a cute little man!! i appreciate his kind words.

the kiddos are napping right now. i put them down early so we can get over to jessica's school extra early. i want to see her get on the correct bus and then follow her home. i can't wait to hear all about her first day!!!

no big surprise

it's labor day and the kids are supposed to be with their dad. he hasn't showed up. i left a few messages and he hasn't responded. i finally called his dad's house - sounds like he didn't even sleep there last night. i try to give the benefit of the doubt but it's really hard to believe this is anything other than plain old selfishness.

i had plans. as usual, i put them aside when he doesn't follow through. it's extremely frustrating. what's the point of having a parenting schedule if it's not adhered to? what's the point of making plans, when i have to continually cancel them? it's not fair to the children, its not fair to me, and it's not fair to the people i make plans with. there is really no way of enforcing the parenting schedule, either. if he chooses to be flaky and unreliable, i have no choice but to live with it.

so what should i do? not make plans? automatically assume that he is going to cancel or simply not show up?

i am battling feelings of anger and irritation. it's easier said, than done. what's really sad is that i've stopped telling the children that their dad is coming to pick them up because there have been too many disappointments and hurt feelings.

it's been over an hour. i suppose it's time to adjust my plans and figure something else out. when this happens, i always want to do something extra special and fun because my heart hurts for my children. i am grateful that they are so unaware.

educating ellen

having young children causes me to realize how little i know. for example, at the dinner table tonight, jessica asked me how telephones work. hmm. i blanked. i mean, i know the basics, but i still don't understand how someone in california can talk to someone in china. how on earth can our voices be heard, on the other side of the globe, in real time?? i don't understand television either - but it's pretty sweet that a mormon invented it!

our discussion at the dinner table quickly became trivia time as jessica and james asked me about satellites, moses, chickens and various other topics i know little about. like i said, i tend to know the basics, but sometimes i don't know what to say or how to explain. at times, jessica will ask me what a certain word means, and i won't know how to explain it. i, myself, always know what the word means, but when it comes to putting it into words in a way that she will understand, sometimes i struggle. sheesh, i am telling you - motherhood kills brain cells!

i relish in these opportunities to learn with my children. if i can't answer a question, such as: "how long do beetles live for?" i can always say, "let's look it up!" we can take a trip to the library or log onto the internet and answer these questions together. it will be nice when my super smart best friend can be around, because i am sure he'll be able to answer and explain a lot of this stuff without having to look it up. he is one intelligent guy!

school has been stressful and overwhelming, but i have also learned a great deal. i always look forward to learning something new. lifelong learning is an awesome thing. i don't feel the need to hit my education hard and earn a bunch of degrees, then pursue a career. me, i'm a homebody. i prefer to learn at a relaxed and enjoyable pace. i love to watch educational programs, read books and experience life, "hands-on." i still have the desire to pursue my education, and i will - yet it will most likely go slowly as i focus on my family. i think it is really imporant to learn, but one doesn't necessarily need to get that education from a college. i know of quite a few insanely intelligent, successful individuals who don't have degrees. still, a degree is a great thing to have. anyway...

the greatest foundation for education is created in the home. as parents, we are our children's greatest examples and teachers when it comes to learning and attitudes about learning. it is important that mothers be educated so they can teach their children, and also in the event that they must leave the home and be the breadwinners for their families. too many women, including myself, have put their educations on the back burner assuming their husband will always support them. but death, divorce, accidents and illnesses do happen - and women need to be prepared. i have a girlfriend that has no idea what her house cost, or what bills they have. this always baffled me.

my husband was always the one who took care of the vehicle maintenance, hooked up our surround sound and computer, hung curtains and fixed things around the house. i knew how to do some of these things, but we assumed our traditional roles and it worked. with the divorce, i've had to learn and do a lot, in a short amount of time. there have been intimidating and frustrating moments, but overall it has been extremely satisfying. i've continued to receive some "male help" from home teachers, family and so forth, but i have accomplished some things myself, as well. i have to say, it feels great! becoming self-reliant is a wonderful thing. i still have a lot to learn, but the bottom line is - i am learning. go, me!