more of the same

talk about sad and ironic that the last post i wrote one and a half years ago is about the very same ugliness i was dealing with just last week! yep, more of the same. *sigh*

first off...i completely forgot i had this personal blog! it's funny because i actually got the motivation to blog again from my children's stepmom. in past e-mails to me, she's often referred to my blogs (as well my friends that follow and/or comment) as being pathetic, as if i do it for those around me to stroke my ego, validate me, get attention, etc. actually, the purpose of my blogs has always been to enable my friends (especially the far-away ones) to stay up-to-date on the goings on of my existence AND it has been almost like a journal for myself (since i am terrible at keeping a hand-written one). i can't tell you how fun it was for me to go back and read all these old posts, all the way back to my "single mom" days!

anyway, each time she referred to my blogging, i'd laugh to myself (or with jim) because...i wasn't even blogging! my blogs have sat dormant for quite some time. so i had no clue what she was talking about. i recently started my pregnancy blog up again, but that obviously has nothing to do with her. any past mention of her was, well...a year and a half ago. i think i'm like most busy moms who try to keep a blog about family, recipes, exercise, etc...post faithfully for a little while then fall off the face of the blogging world map. so i figure since she seems to think i'm an avid blogger, i might as well be one. HA! i can thank her for the inspiration.

so, to update this *lovely* situation... despite my good efforts to turn things around, things have not improved with my children's stepmom. in fact, they are worse. at some point, things seemed to improve. i sent her a mother's day card last year and truly felt love towards her when i sent it. it didn't last long, unfortunately. my children continued to come home with some new story about her judging me as a mother, or ridiculing our religion. the constant barrage of hate from her was totally uncalled for and i didn't understand it. it was as if she was searching for negatives while i was seeking to find the positives. we just never came together. and how could we? she clearly does not want to get along. still...i kept trying to extend that proverbial olive branch, hoping she'd catch on.

so after more long, hateful e-mails from her last week, i decided it was time to (once again) block her. i can't have her negativity in my life. the only reason we need to communicate is in regards to transporting my children, since she is the main person doing the driving. everything else should be between my ex and myself. in a perfect world, i would love to be her friend and have a relationship beyond transporting the kids back and forth, but that clearly isn't going to happen. her opinions are unwarranted, unsolicited, unnecessary, unproductive. i will never understand her need for negativity and drama...and i want no part in it.

she's told me a few times that she holds nothing back, doesn't care if she speaks her truth and hurts anyone in the process. she is unapologetic for her lack of filter and need to say absolutely everything she thinks and feels. i don't see this as a positive trait. not every feeling needs expressed and not every thought needs divulged..especially if it is hurtful. there has been so much i wanted to say back to her but i held back, knowing it would be pointless and possibly damaging. holding the tongue can be difficult, but it's the right thing to do. a friend reminded me of something from the scriptures...

Proverbs 29:11 - A fool vents all his feelings, but a wise man holds them back.

Proverbs 29:20 - Do you see a man hasty in his words? There is more hope for a fool than for him.

reading the scriptures always brings me back to where i need to be. it helps me forget myself and see how tiny my problems actually are. in the big picture, none of this matters. and so, i return my focus to those who know me and love me and are not blinded by their own perceptions or by gossip. i am fully confident in who i am...and when you know who you are, how can anyone's words hurt? words from a fool have no power.

kinda funny, after all these years i actually find it pleasant to communicate with my ex. oh, the things that surprise us. i hold no animosity....just moving on from the madness.