taking a sick day.

it's been a while. hello.

i am feeling sick today. that heavy-head, sore throat, achey, tired kind of feeling. i've been watching my friend's girls for her, but not today. i am really disappointed, too, because this was my "last" day with them before her sister takes over the job. life is what happens when you make plans, eh?

so, since i am feeling blah (and the kids are playing quietly out in the hall where i can see them), i thought i'd pop in here for a quick update. i just read my last post, and although it's all very true, i think i say too much. still, this is my private blog and it's nice to vent to a small audience. *grin*

however, i would like to get the point where i don't feel the need to vent at all, not even the tiniest bit. possible? perhaps...

i love, love, LOVE books - especially children's books. i've been perusing amazon.com (aka, our bread and butter) for a while and collecting a list of books i want to get for the kiddos from the new library (which is bee-yoo-tee-ful, btw).

while perusing, i came across a book from my childhood!! it's so funny because i was just telling jim about this book, not that long ago. i told him i couldn't remember the name of it, but i told him the story. well, to my great excitement, there was that same, familiar cover staring back at me from my laptop screen. yay!! i quickly added it to my amazon wish list.

the joys of visitation.

i just vented about my ex for about five paragraphs. probably better to keep that to myself. *smile*

the kids are back after another weekend with their biological father. they call him by his first name. that should tell you something.

the "business trip" he claimed to have to go on during one of his scheduled weekends with our children...ended up producing a ring on his girlfriend's finger. hmm. according to him, he is completely broke and "scraping by" - and yet they just got back from vacationing in california and hawaii? something smells fishy. i suppose that's where our child tax credit ended up...

ah, the joys of life after divorce....

tonight, as usual....they were dropped off late. and we don't even get a call or text. after 30 minutes went by, i texted him....

me: hey, are you going to be here soon?
him: in about 4 hours....
(because he is known for his lies and sarcasm....i can't tell if this is real or if he's trying to mess with me)
me: excuse me? 4 hours?
him: did u sneeze?
(oh brother. this is when i mentally roll my eyeballs and think to myself, "are you kidding me?? grow up, dude.")
me: are you five? LOL Seriously though...what's the story?
him: in a half
(suddenly i hear my children at the front door. i come down, and we let them in. my ex remains in the car with his girlfriend and then they drive off. he always avoids face to face conversations with me. then i get another text message....)
him: aren't they in the house? I can put it in a bedtime story if you like.
(now I'm thinking, "Is this guy on something?? Why is he messing with me and being so weird?")
me: please stick to what the agreement says...kids home by 7pm. If you're going to be late or want to keep them longer, you need to run it by me. Thx!
him: you need to stick to the agreement too...After Jessica is out of school and if there's no school the time still stays....Or is it okay for u to choose and not us?
me: (slightly confused by his wording and meaning...and annoyed because we've had this same conversation a bazillion times.....i give no response.)
him: What's wrong? Did u get up on the wrong side of the bed today?
(at this point, i am sharing the bizarre texts with jim. we are laughing our heads off as we think up all the different responses that could be used here. we finally decide on something random, to show i'm not in a bad mood at ALL, i have a sense of humor, and basically just to put an end to the stupid texting.....)
me: pervert. :o)

seriously....what's he going to say to that? jim and i had a good laugh. i sure love my husband. dealing with my very immature, hits-below-the-belt, sarcastic, self-absorbed ex-spouse only reminds me how very blessed and lucky i am to have such an incredible companion. my husband...so smart, loving and faithful. my best friend....so funny, supportive and kind. wow, i am so grateful i am married to him and not my ex!! THIS is what love is.

so my ex is engaged. i truly hope it will last. i honestly want them to hurry up because this living together thing is such a bad example to our children. it's so hard for us to send them there every other weekend, to a place with completely different values. we worry about what they'll be exposed to, every time they go. all we can do is teach them, lead by example and pray, pray, PRAY!!

it's good to have my children back. this is their HOME, where they belong. they tell us that my ex is trying to get them to call his girlfriend "mom" or that she will be their mom once they are married. that bothers me, because they only have one mommy - and that's me. last time i checked, i was the one that carried them inside me for nine months, gave birth to them and breastfed them. sure, she'll be their stepmom and she seems like a pretty decent person. but i know they aren't comfortable with the thought of calling her anything but her first name. i sure hope they don't try forcing my children to call her something they don't want to call her. that's not okay.

ohhh...the drama-lamma-lamma continues!! this is my life. i certainly never wanted this kind of life, but it is what it is, right?! i'll make the best of it. i will continue to focus on the happiness within the walls of my own home. i have so many blessings, it's easy to block out out the nonsense by reminding myself of all that i do have.

and i have so much.

friendship.

as the pot of sticky oatmeal from this morning soaks in the kitchen sink, and the kids settle into some cars and baby playtime, i thought i'd take a moment on here. i tend to forget this semi-private blog exists. and when i do write, i tend to be so immersed in thought that i forget i have an audience (sorry about that). when you come here, you're getting the contents of my brain. this is where i can vent, be vulnerable, and voice my thoughts...and a choice few will get to read my words, if they so choose to log in.

one very important thing when reading my blog is not to read into things too deeply, take things too literally, etc. my husband has access (hi babe!) and he is a very literal thinker. but he knows me. those closest to me understand how i work, and i appreciate that so much. this is why i cherish close, intimate relationships so much. i want to share the details of my life and in exchange, feel most loved when those in relationships with me share the details of theirs. no, this does not mean they lose their privacy. *smile* this simply means that if they're going on vacation, i knew about it, because we keep in touch. it means if someone they love is dying, i know that, too...so i can be a support for them and it's me they want to lean on. and many times, it means they call me just to say "i saw the funniest commericial just now!!" and i do the same. it's the big things and the small things. but when i feel a relationship slipping away, or that my fervor about the relationship is not reciprocated, i might go into protective mode. i try not to do this. it's my natural reaction. when i find myself doing this, i have to remind myself, "don't dwell. just let it go."

because i feel so deeply, i also hurt so deeply. i know some that have been hurt in the past, and so they keep their friends at arms length. they don't want to feel that pain of rejection again, and so they shield themselves. i understand that completely because i've done the same. however, when we do that, we are missing out on the joy of a tightly knit bond. there is a magical unspoken secret that occurs when you find someone you connect with impeccably. much of the time, we find a connection with someone who doesn't feel quite the same as we do, and it can be disappointing, even devastating. but then there are shared connections that last a lifetime. i have been so blessed to have met those "soul mate" kind of friends in my life. even if months go by (and i am speaking about my out-of-state friends here), that bond is still there. i have a few best girlfriends i left behind when i left idaho. i think about them all the time and we keep in touch here and there. i consider them close to my heart because i know i am close to theirs. they make it known to me, and i make it known to them.

so, in a previous blog i was talking about the drama i cause. this mostly has to do with family. i rarely have drama issues within friendships. in fact, i can count on one hand the dramatic episodes i've had as an adult. it just doesn't happen. the norm for me is that my friendships just flow naturally. i like that. that's how it ought to be! i consider myself a very good, loyal friend. when i'm in a great, reciprocal friendship, i am myself, generous, supportive, and so on.

but sometimes, something happens that might challenge a relationship. it can even make or break a friendship - if the people involved allow it. to me, the test of a true friendship is survival and forgiveness. genuine friendship will be open and honest, even if it's painful or uncomfortable. this is true because true friendship values a committment. it weathers any storms that comes. i liken this very much to marriage. if there is a shared value of loyalty to the friendship, there is nothing the two can't face together.

i once had a best friend (i thought) who viciously turned on me, without explanation. it is so hard to gain closure in a situation when the person won't even speak to you! it took me two years to get over that. two years!! from that, i learned: i am a dweller. i dwell and dwell and dwell.

i think that experience prepared me for an even worse one. four years later, i lost a good friend through the divorce. she had been my friend for years, and yet she chose to remain friends with my ex instead of me. she never even said goodbye. it was surreal, uncomfortable, VERY painful. you'd think i'd protect myself after those two hurdles, but i still choose to be vulnerable in my friendships. why? because when you find a true and lasting friendship, there's nothing like it in the world. and now i know that those two friendships....were never really friendships. true friendship endures.

for some reason, i haven't been able to find the same type of closeness in friendship that i've had in the past. it's frustrating when my best friends are in utah, idaho, california...the east coast!! i've been close to a few people here in washington, but not quite to the level i'm used to having in my best friendships. still, i cherish the moments and seasons i've experienced with my friends here. i've decided to take what i can get, and give what i can...and just let things "be." i've prayed for best friends in the past, and Heavenly Father delivered. i know that if i ask again, it will happen. someone in this town surely needs a friend right now, and that friend could be me!

with all that said, i am missing my best friend right now. she's amazing. she's the kind of friend i love having.... she just shows up! when she shows up, she's a great listener. she makes me laugh so hard that we leave with six packs. the friendship comes so easy. it's uber-comfortable! she'd crawl into bed with me and watch a chick flick. i can bawl on her shoulder and she can bawl on mine. we might talk three times a day, every day...or a whole week might go by with zero contact. and yet, we never stop thinking about one another. now THAT is a friendship i can get on board with. i am lucky, lucky, lucky to have her. i wish everyone could experience such a close friendship like that. everyone deserves it. it's so rare, and i have it!

just wish it wasn't in another state. :o(

lessons learned.

Don't be yourself - be someone a little nicer. ~Mignon McLaughlin

i posted this quote on facebook because i've been thinking a lot about it lately. with some recent drama in my life, it's been the perfect opportunity for personal inventory. i know i'm not horribly evil and i'm not a saint, either. i am somewhere in between. i'd like to think i'm closer to the good side, but i have my days...

in the distant past (and even the recent past), i have allowed my choices to be fueled by passion. the vehemency, the fervor of my feelings can get me in trouble. i might feel i'm in the pursuit of something noble, that i'm the injured party, or that i have some sort of mission to fulfill. i may feel totally justified. thing is, i am blinded by whatever emotions are ruling me at the time. rather than following the sage advice of "striking when the iron is cold," i tend to move with great force when the emotional tide pulls me. if i feel offended, i take action. if i feel wronged, i confront. if i am sad, i withdraw. and so on...

it's frustrating for me, to only see error in retrospect. i'm always striving to better myself from the inside out. here is a flaw i need to master. how do i initiate self control when i begin by feeling like i'm not doing anything wrong? in fact, i begin by feeling I AM RIGHT!! it is only after the fact - after the decisions have been made - do i see the damage that has been done.

i have a good heart. i am an extremely sensitive person. i want close relationships. i want people to do the right thing. i want the underdog to win. i want to feel good at the end of the day.

not too long ago, i was pushing for something that i believed was the right thing. i still do. however, i overlooked the agency of others. in the midst of the struggle, i realized i had to let it go because i am not in control, and that's okay. the underdog did not win that day, but i did what was right and that's all that matters. the world will not collapse if i don't have control over the situation!

in the end, i need to just keep reminding myself that all i can control is ME. i know very well that if a person wants to leave, they will leave. i learned this the hard way. if an opportunity arises for someone to make a positive impact in another person's life, and they do nothing....it is what it is. i can't judge them. i can't make them do the right thing.

but I can do the right thing.

so, in my journey of self-discovery, i've learned (and must continue to commit to learning) that everyone has their own life. everyone has their own lessons to learn. we color one another's lives with our choices, our actions, even our lack of action. the important thing is that as we go about making our decisions and reaching for our own goals...that we are kind along the way. that we are cogniscent of how our actions might impact another person's life.

this week, i will strive to be better than my natural self. i'll keep you posted. :o)

i. am. tired.

hello, tired. i'm sleepy. nice to meet you.

a bit of a conundrum... i can't sleep until my husband is ready for bed. i'm cursed with ridiculously light sleep and i am sure it annoys people. it certainly annoys me. if i go to sleep and then later he comes in to shower and pick his clothes out for the next day, i will wake up. if i wake up, it's nearly impossible to fall back asleep. it really bites.

to solve this (kinda), i stay up very late. i stay up and wait for him (well, i am also up chatting with a girlfriend and/or watching something like project runway or housewives of OC, but anyway, i digress...). i tend to stay up later than i normally would, because i'm waiting for him. if i wasn't waiting on him, i might do my thang, then hit the sack. but when i am done doing whatever, and i'm ready to go to bed and he's not....i stay up further. last night, for example, he was on-call (as he often tends to be). i had worked out earlier and was not ready to go to bed just yet. first, we had a heart-to-heart at the kitchen table about some stuff. i am so grateful to have a husband who is an excellent listener AND is full of sage advice and wise thoughts for me to ponder. afterwards, i went upstairs and watched a show i'd dvr'd (the tori spelling one - LOVE that show!). i went downstairs and checked on jim...still working. so i read my scriptures, i enjoyed a face mask. check on jim...still working. when he's working like that, he can't leave his laptop...not even to take a quick shower. so i went back upstairs and watched more dvr'd shows. by this time, i was exhausted. i went downstairs again and the poor man was still at it. i felt so bad for him, but at the same time - i need sleep!! so he suggested i just pick his clothes out for him and he'd shower in the kid's bathroom. so, i basically stayed up an extra two hours for nothing.

blahhhh.

so then, after a couple hours of sleep, jackson wakes up! he was NOT happy. i changed him, fed him, slathered him in creams and ointments (his skin has been bothering him)...he was inconsolable. ugh, awful night. after an hour, i took my exhausted self and my pissed off baby and woke jim up. he gave jackson a blessing. jackson continued to fuss and squirm and scream. i needed a break from jackson because of my agitated state....but then returned and jim went back to sleep. the screaming continued for the next hour and i was beside myself. i finally just had to close the door and return to bed. i could hear him screaming. soooo frustrating!! after what seemed like an eternity, he quieted.

and then i couldn't fall asleep.

arghh!!!!! and THEN, when i finally began to drift off...guess who woke up and started to scream again?!! i dragged my sorry self in there and picked him up. again, he wasn't comfortable. he was squirmy and fussy. after about 15 minutes of trying to rock him back to sleep, i gave up and placed him in his crib. i rubbed his back and walked out. he was still crying.

it's been ten minutes. he's asleep again. *sigh*

and i am wide awake, writing this blog. night's like these are why i need to go to bed much, MUCH earlier than i do.

light bulb moment

i've struggled on and off with a certain relationship, for quite a long time. sometimes i feel close to my friend, sometimes i feel like i'm in a galaxy far, far away from her. some days, i'll feel like her best friend, and other days i'll feel like she has completely forgotten that i exist. i've had to remind myself that this relationship will never be what i wish it would be. the reason for my misery? my own unmet expectations. and isn't that the way it is, with most anyone or anything? if we have expectations and those expectations are not met, we suffer inside. it's our very own self-created world of pain.

so the light bulb goes on.... don't have expectations!!

{okay, so i am bleeping this part out to explain myself. i wrote this about ME. it didn't come off that way. i think i am going to rewrite this after much thought....and make it more about what i intended, which would be my own sensitivities and how i cause disappointment in my own life for no one's fault other than my own. so, to be continued....in an entirely different way....}