lessons learned.

Don't be yourself - be someone a little nicer. ~Mignon McLaughlin

i posted this quote on facebook because i've been thinking a lot about it lately. with some recent drama in my life, it's been the perfect opportunity for personal inventory. i know i'm not horribly evil and i'm not a saint, either. i am somewhere in between. i'd like to think i'm closer to the good side, but i have my days...

in the distant past (and even the recent past), i have allowed my choices to be fueled by passion. the vehemency, the fervor of my feelings can get me in trouble. i might feel i'm in the pursuit of something noble, that i'm the injured party, or that i have some sort of mission to fulfill. i may feel totally justified. thing is, i am blinded by whatever emotions are ruling me at the time. rather than following the sage advice of "striking when the iron is cold," i tend to move with great force when the emotional tide pulls me. if i feel offended, i take action. if i feel wronged, i confront. if i am sad, i withdraw. and so on...

it's frustrating for me, to only see error in retrospect. i'm always striving to better myself from the inside out. here is a flaw i need to master. how do i initiate self control when i begin by feeling like i'm not doing anything wrong? in fact, i begin by feeling I AM RIGHT!! it is only after the fact - after the decisions have been made - do i see the damage that has been done.

i have a good heart. i am an extremely sensitive person. i want close relationships. i want people to do the right thing. i want the underdog to win. i want to feel good at the end of the day.

not too long ago, i was pushing for something that i believed was the right thing. i still do. however, i overlooked the agency of others. in the midst of the struggle, i realized i had to let it go because i am not in control, and that's okay. the underdog did not win that day, but i did what was right and that's all that matters. the world will not collapse if i don't have control over the situation!

in the end, i need to just keep reminding myself that all i can control is ME. i know very well that if a person wants to leave, they will leave. i learned this the hard way. if an opportunity arises for someone to make a positive impact in another person's life, and they do nothing....it is what it is. i can't judge them. i can't make them do the right thing.

but I can do the right thing.

so, in my journey of self-discovery, i've learned (and must continue to commit to learning) that everyone has their own life. everyone has their own lessons to learn. we color one another's lives with our choices, our actions, even our lack of action. the important thing is that as we go about making our decisions and reaching for our own goals...that we are kind along the way. that we are cogniscent of how our actions might impact another person's life.

this week, i will strive to be better than my natural self. i'll keep you posted. :o)