adversity...GO AWAY!!

sheesh, can i please just have a day that is wonderful from beginning to end?? :o)

i was a cheerleader, back in high school. as a result, i have rotator cuff problems today. i wonder if i will ever get surgery for it. thing is, i can go several months with no shoulder issues whatsoever! but then suddenly i am in tons of pain for days, even weeks. it's very frustrating, especially when i have heavy children to pick up and carry around. i can't lift my arms up very far without experiencing excruciating pain. i've been popping advil like nothing else...and it isn't helping much.

in addition to this, my hair continues to fall out by the handfuls and the migraines just keep on coming. i am trying desperately to be patient with all of this. i only have one week of school left - i am trying to focus on that. i was registered for fall and winter classes, but decided to take a break. i need a break!! life has been way too stressful, emotional and overwhelming. even though i KNOW school is almost over, i am still stressing. i have a huge assignment due this week, in addition to a few smaller ones.

today, i had a babysitter for the kids while i went on one final observation site visit. it is intimidating, because i visited my instructor's montessori preschool. obviously, she would know if i fudged it or did a lousy job on the observation and assessment. i was there with a classmate, which is also intimidating...because what if we observed things differently and write up totally different rating scales?? arghh... basically, we had to not only observe the preschool for our final paper, but we also had to use the ECERS-R (rating scale). wow, that thing is intensely detailed and time-consuming! i was there for three hours and still didn't cover everything. it was time for me to leave and i was feeling panicky. the teacher i was working with was so amazing. she answered my interview questions whenever she had a moment, and even stood with me at the end and let me drill her with more questions. and THEN, she gave me her cell phone number! she told me to call her if i got stuck on anything. i feel so incredibly grateful to her for that - and i am definitely going to call her because this rating scale is full of holes.

anyway, enough of that. i was able to nap during naptime, but tossed and turned a little. i wasn't fully asleep. my mind was on so many, many things. i am trying to get certain things out of my head so i can focus on more pressing matters. in my busy life, i sometimes forget about having a prayer in my heart throughout the day and i find it difficult to have peaceful, quiet moments. i am trying really hard to keep those good feelings with me all day long. it's very difficult, especially when little people are fighting or crying - geez, kids are loud! this, of course, does not help with my migraine issue.

so, i have been trying to stay on top of everything. my spiritual life comes first. if i am doing well there, then everything else always falls right into place. i tend to be more negative, more distressed, and more stressed when i am not saying my prayers, reading my scriptures, listening to good music, and having that prayer in my heart all day long. it's really difficult, to stay spiritually focused, sometimes. this world is so full of distractions and problems....it's very easy to get lost in it and then wonder why you feel so bad. when i am having low moments (or low weeks!), it's then that i know my spiritual life is lacking nourishment. i am grateful, at least, that i am able to recognize when i am off track, and i always know how to get back on. it always comes down to those sunday school answers (go to church, pray, read your scriptures, serve others...).

by far, the most difficult part of my day was when alien called (alien = my soon-to-be-ex-husband). he sees the children every wednesday night. well, once again, he called to tell me he couldn't feed them dinner. this has happened so many, many times. he'll either "warn" me, or simply bring them home, hungry. it's very upsetting. we were on the phone for about 15 minutes...15 minutes longer than i would have liked. we went into other topics as well, such as the parenting agreement which should have been signed at mediation (because we agreed on everything). well, his lawyer tweaked the wording, which could change the meaning. he and his lawyer signed the newly tweaked version of the agreement, but we can't use that agreement because his lawyer made changes that the court won't even accept (such as changing the children's names into initials). so now my lawyer has to go through their agreement, word for word, and send it back for more changes. this costs me more money and the divorce continues to drag on, unnecessarily. we could have been divorced several months ago. this is why i have been ready to move on with my life, for some time now. it all comes down to getting some pieces of paper signed. when you have lived your life in limbo for a long period of time, unable to move forward, simply because of a piece of paper lacking signatures....it's extremely aggravating. anyway....

i am trying to let go of that upsetting conversation with alien. i am feeling very sad for him. he left the church and his heart is very hardened. i am gratefully no longer in love with him, but i do care about his well being. how can i not? i loved him for a very long time and we share three precious children. he will be in my life, whether i like it or not, for a long time. i still have sad moments. i don't cry about it anymore, but i feel sadness for what has happened to my family - to my children. i am sad for them. they've been through a lot and will continue to struggle as a result of another's choices. but we have each other, and i am very grateful for that. we have grown closer to one another and closer to the gospel. that is a wonderful thing!

i think of adversity as a golden opportunity for positive change, hidden deep inside an ugly box. it is only when we look past the ugliness and dig deep inside, that we find a treasure than can be ours. we just need to make the effort. this reminds me of that butterfly analogy, which i heard once again last sunday during sacrament meeting. a butterfly needs to struggle within the cacoon because that is what pumps blood through its wings so it can fly and survive. we, too, need opportunities to struggle so that we can find strength, spread our own "wings," and fly to greater heights than we ever could have imagined. it doesn't seem like it, but adversity is our friend.

my title was typed out of frustration, when i first began this blog. i don't necessarily want adversity to go away. rather, i want the strength, patience, resolve, and peace to get through the hard times. we can't pray or wish difficulties and problems away, but we can certainly ask that our burdens be lightened or lifted somehow. our prayers can be answered through people or through opportunities that come our way. one thing is for sure, i know that God answers prayers. it may not always be in the way we'd like or expect, but the answers do come. besides, things turn out much better when we follow the Lord's will and not our own.

strange dreams and other stuff

note to self: do not eat a bunch of lemon bars before going to bed.

i had the weirdest dreams, last night!! let's see if i can summarize for ya'll. i have forgotten most of it, but here's the basic idea...

i was working for oprah and totally forgot about a deadline she'd given me. we were supposed to have a meeting with some people about a really important social function. i was the one that promised her i'd have this amazing idea to propose to all the VIPs at this meeting. well, i was so wrapped up in the other stuff going on, like getting lost at a carnival and almost dying when the ferris wheel rolled into a swamp. yeah. so, after that happened, some dude speeds by and steals my purse! so then i am chasing him through the carnival and then finally catch up to him somewhere in cental park. yeah - don't ask me. i grab my purse back from him and start hitting him with it, when a crowd gathers. everyone is really excited. turns out, the guy is actor d.b. sweeney. hmm... he apologizes and tells me he stole my purse to prepare for a part he'd be playing in an upcoming movie. just plain weird. he starts signing autographs for the demanding crowd, and i turn around and suddenly find myself face to face with a very angry oprah. yikes! it doesn't register, until oprah asks me where my proposal is and reminds me that the VIPs are in the meeting waiting for us. i was horrified! we rush to the meeting and oprah walks in with a smile, giving our apologies. the long table is filled with important people with very dull yet intimidating expressions on their faces. oprah says a few words, then hands it all over to me. holy cow. they are all staring at me in the dead silence. nothing is coming to me. luckily, my assistant (some perky and annoying short chick) gets it going with some basic ideas. but they are still waiting for the meat. i am supposed to have this amazing, jaw-dropping, glamorous event planned - and nothing is coming to me!! finally, i glance out the window and see a leaf fall from the tree. that one thing suddenly gives me all kinds of ideas about a fall social. i interrupt short assistant chick and take over with my ideas for these intricate center pieces with oranges and reds and twigs and eggplant-colored drapery and blah blah blah. everyone was astounded and they all stood and applauded at the end. we all shook hands with the VIPs. oprah came over to me, and said, "beeeeep, beeeeep, beeeep." yeah....my cell phone alarm went off. it was time to hop in the shower.

that was definitely the strangest dream i have had in a long time - and i've had some pretty strange ones! this, after eating a bunch of lemon bars, going to bed way too late, and being woken several times by james throughout the night. i think i got a collective four hours of sleep last night. ughh...

today has been emotional. it started out really well, and i felt extremely happy (yes, even after the bad sleep and crazy dreams). however, i soon learned that someone i really care about was feeling hurt. even worse, they felt hurt by me. i always try to see where another person is coming from, so i listened intently. i also shared my own thoughts and feelings on things. after some time, it seemed everything was resolved. i better understood this person and i felt badly for my actions (well, lack there-of). i felt a surge of love and concern for this person, and i wanted to do something nice. in other words, i wanted to take immediate action because i hadn't been doing much of anything. i have been so consumed and overwhelmed by my own life situation, that i have failed to be the kind of friend that i would like to be. so i cut some flowers from my garden, put together a plate of lemon bars, and piled the kids into the van. when i arrived at this person's house, i thought it was going to be a nice surprise. however, this person was upset yet again. this time, it was due to a third party.

now let me segue for a moment here. i really, really, REALLY dislike certain things. here is today's list:
1) snooping
2) third party interference
3) drama

it really irks me that my friend and i were able to talk and work everything out, and then a third party steps in a smashes it all to pieces. naturally, this is going to cause some drama. why would the third party share their perception about something when it's only going to be hurtful - for no reason? seriously, what is it going to accomplish?

so, we talked more - this time, in person. i prefer it when everything is out in the open and discussed honestly. i can't stand deception, snooping, sneakiness, drama, and anything else related to being hurtful. it's totally unacceptable.

during our talk, it was brought to my attention that i come across preachy. i have never thought of myself as preachy, since i don't approach things with that intention. it was good to hear. as dr. phil says, "you can't change what you don't acknowledge." at the same time, i am not going to walk on eggshells, concerned with every word i say. for example, my last blog was about service. that blog was in no way supposed to come across preachy. i was simply exploring the topic. i was honestly enthralled with the subject matter, on the morning i typed it. the reader will note that i never say, "you all need to do this and that." instead, i use the word, "we." i include myself in the things i say. if i am being preachy, then i guess you can say i am preaching to myself, too!

today was an eye opener. i appreciate those moments when the light bulb goes on and i am given a chance to see myself from another's perspective. those moments provide opportunity for change. i'll be the first to admit i am far from perfect. we all are. there is only One who was and is perfect. it is the Savior's example that i strive to follow, and i always fall short. but that is why we have grace. hopefully, we will not judge one another as we are all striving for that perfection we are asked to reach for. if i come across preachy or hypocritical - it's certainly not my intention. i know what is right, and i like to write and talk about truth and what will bring us joy. however, i don't always make the best decisions myself. so, there you have it. i am not perfect. no big surprise there! :o)

i've blogged long enough. thank goodness for naptimes! now, i am going to tackle that paper i need to write for class. i am determined to have a totally free weekend. the kids are with their dad this weekend, and i don't want my rare and valuable "me" time to be bogged down with assignments. i want my time to be wide open, without a care. my goodness, i think i have had enough cares in my life!! i need and deserve time for myself. i have plans...wonderful plans. i am excited!

service

i wrote this days ago and forgot to post it!

The scriptures read, “Therefore, O ye that embark in the service of God, see that ye serve him with all your heart, might, mind and strength, that ye may stand blameless before God at the last day (D & C 4:2).” To what extent do we serve – or not serve? All morning long, my mind has been swimming with thoughts about what service really means. As a divorcing mother of three who is going back to school and watching others’ children for additional income, I have struggled for quite some time in finding childcare when I have a medical or dental appointment, an appointment related to my divorce, or a scheduled trip for school. It is difficult enough finding care for my own three, but when you add one or two extra children that are not mine, it’s near impossible sometimes. Because of my overwhelming situation and struggles to find help, I turned to the Church’s compassionate service. When someone is in need, compassionate service steps in to lovingly assist.

I have been the beneficiary of much compassionate service over the past 18 months – ever since my third child was born, and the same time my husband announced he didn’t feel like being married anymore. Although it has been a lengthy amount of time, I still find myself in dire straights at times. Whenever possible, I have paid for babysitters. I have to admit, that although it can be difficult to pay for a sitter, it greatly eases my burden of guilt and stress. I have a difficult time seeking help, especially after all this time. It’s hard to ask for help when feeling as though everyone is sick and tired of my constant need.

Last year, when my situation was at its peak of raw pain and devastation, I leaned most heavily on my family. It was extremely draining on them, but as I gained more friends in the new area, I relied less and less on them. Still, I think that they had been so heavily burdened by me and my situation that any future plea for help – even when few and far between – was viewed as greatly burdensome, even annoying. They had maxed out, and I understood. It was difficult for me, because I am constantly told to turn to family first. These days, asking family is my last resort. I want to repair those maxed out relationships by leaving them alone!

Recently, things have been especially stressful. There were mediations for my divorce and several last-minute school trips scheduled that I had no control over. I began to crack under the pressure of it all, and so I turned to compassionate service when I was unable to find help on my own. With just a few phone calls, help was on the way, and I was able to make it to my crucial appointments. However, last week I was informed that I could no longer turn to compassionate service. When I learned this, I was humbled – and yet, I broke down sobbing. I felt I had the weight of the world on my shoulders, no one to turn to, and now – abandoned. It was a very lonely time for me.

My heart and mind are full this morning as I ponder the meaning of service. I have a school appointment scheduled today, and still have no one to help me. I tried everyone I could think of, and even turned to my last resort. My last resort was available, but turned me down because they were not comfortable watching other people’s children. Although I scheduled the appointment during naptime to make it easy, and although the child’s mother doesn’t mind if someone else steps in for me, it just wasn't going to happen. I was heart-broken by the news, and felt quite devastated. I quickly hung up, and broke into heaving sobs. If I can’t turn to my last resort, and no one else is available, where do I turn?

There is only one person who is physically able to help me today, and ironically, is the one person I am not supposed to be communicating with right now. He is my best friend, and through my mother, I learn of his desire to serve me and ease my burdens. He and my mother communicate, as my bishop requests. He is my landlord, and so there must be some communications in regards to his mail or house issues. My mother mediates our communications to keep things appropriate, as my divorce continues to drag on and on.

Last night, I learned of his desire and willingness to help me today. I want so much to follow counsel to perfection, but what am I to do when he is truly my only hope?? My last resort was unavailable, and I have that appointment in a few hours. What should I do?

I want to examine the question I posed earlier: “To what extent do we serve – or not serve?” We have been asked to “devote all [our] service in Zion; and in this [we shall] have strength (D&C 24:7).” The Lord gave and he gave when, to others, it might have seemed undesirable and inconvenient. This tells me that service is not about doing only that which we feel like doing at the time. Service is giving our time, efforts and talents when we are needed. Service is about letting go of our own agendas and desires, and being there for others. When we are needed, are we willing to drop what we are doing and come to another’s aid? If we are heading to the movies with our family, and receive a call that someone needs last-minute childcare due to something urgent, are we willing to put off that worldly pleasure for a service that will greatly ease another’s burden?

Over the past 18 months, I have experienced the service of so many wonderful, willing servants of our Father in Heaven. These individuals have come to my aid at times that were inconvenient, last-minute, and perhaps even uncomfortable for them. With their selfless willingness to step in when I have been so broken down with nowhere else to turn, my burdens have been lifted, peace has been restored to my soul, my mind has been calmly reassured, and I have felt immense love from them – and for them.

I believe my circumstances have caused me to have a greater understanding and compassion for other’s needs. I hope that my own experience will enable me to better acknowledge the needs of others, and I pray that opportunities will shower down upon my life. I desire to have an eye for service, single to God’s glory. Service is to be done quietly without the need for praise or recognition. Our purpose in serving should not be for our own glory, but for our Heavenly Father’s. When we point out to another all that we have done for them, have we truly given God all the glory – or do we want some of it for ourselves?

Thomas S. Monson once wrote, “Frequently we are too quick to criticize, too prone to judge, and too ready to abandon an opportunity to help, to lift, and, yes, even to save.” So, to what extent do we serve – or not serve? Are we ready to serve at a moment’s notice, or do we require plenty of notice? How willing are we to put aside whatever leisurely activity or indulgence we are enjoying, to help someone in need? Do we keep a tally of our service to another, or do we serve gladly, without keeping “score?” Who are we to serve? Are we only willing to help those we are comfortable with? Do we assist only the friends, family and neighbors we know? If a person is uncomfortable being around the elderly, does that mean they should not serve them? If we are not comfortable with clutter, will we not step into the home of a pack rat? Do we only serve the people we like and have things in common with?

When I answer these kinds of questions for myself, it always boils down to just one final question: “What would the Savior do?” If the Savior would serve anyone, at anytime, and do it gladly, lovingly, selflessly, compassionately – then I am to do likewise.

Jesus Christ is our ultimate example. How often do we talk about “being Christlike?” We may speak of it often, but are we actually doing it? Are we truly acting like the Savior and doing what He would do? I think it is the perfect litmus test, to consider what our Savior might do.

The world would have us think first of ourselves – what is most convenient for us, what we would rather be doing, and what is most comfortable. As Sheri Dew so beautifully put it, “Coming unto Christ means walking away from the world.” Walking away from the world means stepping outside our comfort zones, leaving personal agendas and desires behind – and cleaving to those sacred covenants we have made, and those commandments we gave been given to follow.

“Choose you this day whom ye will serve: … but as for me and my house, we will serve the Lord.” (Josh. 24:15.)

Oh, and one more thing...fifteen minutes ago, I received a phone call – help is on the way! I am so very grateful.

CTR

i chose to be happy today.

i heart my landlord

he is wonderful, folks! talk about a man that goes above and beyond the call of duty. in my home, everywhere i look, i can see his handiwork. many times, i haven't even had to ask. he knows that something needs done, and he does it! he does such a phenomenal job, too. i am beyond grateful. there is always so much on my plate - his help around here really eases my burdens. what a guy! hands off, everyone - he's MY landlord! nope, you can't have him! ha!