rough patch.

today was hard. emotionally. physically.

first, bizarre awkwardness. i won't go into details, but things seem to have changed in a relationship and i don't get it. maybe i am hyper-sensitive because things are different ever since having jackson. i don't have the same freedom to come and go as i used to, so my ability to be a friend has been replaced by others. i'm trying to remind myself that this is just a season in my life. true friendships will weather anything. it's extremely frustrating to put a certain amount of emotion, time and energy into a relationship, only for it to go nowhere...or be inconsistent. it's hard to put one's heart on the line, become totally vulnerable...only to feel disappointment and/or rejection. seems to be a recurring theme in my life and i don't know why. certainly doesn't get any easier though. hurts every time, because i put my whole self into it. i certainly do not want to become jaded. today i've decided to just focus on the relationships that are actually solid....going somewhere...dependable....not confusing....not painful. i admit, i'm sad. but i realize i have been sad on and off for a long time because of my own naive expectations. i can't make something what it clearly is not. i'm bummed. why is it that i have found best friends everywhere but here? i don't want surface friendships and i don't want yo-yo friendships. i've been yo-yo'd enough over the past few years. *sigh*

today i took the kids to a get-together even though i came down with mastitis. it was for them much more than it was for me, since i'd promised them we'd go but i wasn't feeling well. despite feeling absolutely horrible, i made a whole bunch of food this morning to take and share (why i kill myself like that, i will never know). i did my best to socialize through the waves of dizziness and nausea but that didn't go over so well. it's frustrating to not feel like oneself and feel awkward and lonely in a room filled with people. i stayed as long as possible, so my kids could play....otherwise i would have left much earlier. i have another "play date" tomorrow, with friends from my ward. i sure hope i'm feeling up to it because it sounds like it's going to be fun. and i never want to miss an opportunity to strengthen these friendships. still, it's close to midnight and i'm still feeling the pain and flu-like symptoms. hopefully i will wake feeling worlds better. *crossing fingers*

mastitis is hell. really. ever had it?? it's not fun. i made a last-minute appointment with my obgyn today because i knew i needed antibiotics. unfortunately, they wouldn't just do it over the phone. so i asked my sister if she could meet me there and watch my children in the waiting area. she did. i tell you, arriving at the doctor's office and seeing my sister waiting for me there was like getting a ray of sunshine. after my appointment, i was going to head home because i was getting worse. but my sister insisted i get the medicine, asap. she offered to go with me and i was so grateful. i couldn't have handled it on my own. we put the kids in the play area at the store and walked around together, waiting for the prescription to be ready. although i felt awful, we joked and laughed about random stuff. having a sister is a beautiful thing. as i told my sister today, it's like having a built-in best friend. i sure needed that today. she said she'd be my best friend substitute anytime.

back at home, i could feel myself withering away. the pain increased, my fever became worse, and i couldn't get myself off the couch. thank goodness for naptime. all three children slept as i laid there, feeling horrible and thinking about everything. jim came home early and took over. he's wonderful. i connected with friends as i laid there with my new cell phone. i am still trying to figure that thing out. i was texting back and forth with my BFF and when i tried to add a ringtone to her name, i ended up calling her. it was a pleasant accident...good to hear her voice. i also spoke with a good friend who (unfortunately) lives on the east coast. see, why are my peeps so far away?!? anyway...she just discovered she's having twins. i'm elated for her.

i wonder why some people need friendships and hobbies while others do just fine without them. i partly envy my mom because she never had the desire for girlfriends or "me time." her world was her six children, and my father. it was the same for my dad. they had each other and that was that. no wonder they worked out so beautifully.

i wish i didn't feel so restless.