killer husband.

my husband is a murderer.... and i couldn't be more proud!!

Giant House Spider (Tegenaria Gigantia)

too bad all the money we're spending on terminix doesn't phase these guys!

defying gravity.

this is my new phone:

my beloved pink phone died a couple weeks ago, so i was forced to replace it. i've never been great at change....but i needed something asap so i went with the gravity. it has a keypad which i thought i'd love but i find myself missing the old way. i am also missing the pink. the box it came in had the rebate ripped off so the guy gave me an instant rebate (i liked that). however, i think someone once owned this phone because an alarm was set on it (it went off at 3am...GRR!!) and there were some random photos of ladies on it, along with some weird ringtone that sounds like james brown everytime someone calls me. i haven't yet figured out how to get rid of that thing.



friends think i should get a new virgin phone. jim said i should just keep this one. but when i noticed a scratch in it, he said i should definitely take it back. but now that i've been loading up my phone book (which takes forever), i feel too lazy to go back and get it replaced. blah!

rough patch.

today was hard. emotionally. physically.

first, bizarre awkwardness. i won't go into details, but things seem to have changed in a relationship and i don't get it. maybe i am hyper-sensitive because things are different ever since having jackson. i don't have the same freedom to come and go as i used to, so my ability to be a friend has been replaced by others. i'm trying to remind myself that this is just a season in my life. true friendships will weather anything. it's extremely frustrating to put a certain amount of emotion, time and energy into a relationship, only for it to go nowhere...or be inconsistent. it's hard to put one's heart on the line, become totally vulnerable...only to feel disappointment and/or rejection. seems to be a recurring theme in my life and i don't know why. certainly doesn't get any easier though. hurts every time, because i put my whole self into it. i certainly do not want to become jaded. today i've decided to just focus on the relationships that are actually solid....going somewhere...dependable....not confusing....not painful. i admit, i'm sad. but i realize i have been sad on and off for a long time because of my own naive expectations. i can't make something what it clearly is not. i'm bummed. why is it that i have found best friends everywhere but here? i don't want surface friendships and i don't want yo-yo friendships. i've been yo-yo'd enough over the past few years. *sigh*

today i took the kids to a get-together even though i came down with mastitis. it was for them much more than it was for me, since i'd promised them we'd go but i wasn't feeling well. despite feeling absolutely horrible, i made a whole bunch of food this morning to take and share (why i kill myself like that, i will never know). i did my best to socialize through the waves of dizziness and nausea but that didn't go over so well. it's frustrating to not feel like oneself and feel awkward and lonely in a room filled with people. i stayed as long as possible, so my kids could play....otherwise i would have left much earlier. i have another "play date" tomorrow, with friends from my ward. i sure hope i'm feeling up to it because it sounds like it's going to be fun. and i never want to miss an opportunity to strengthen these friendships. still, it's close to midnight and i'm still feeling the pain and flu-like symptoms. hopefully i will wake feeling worlds better. *crossing fingers*

mastitis is hell. really. ever had it?? it's not fun. i made a last-minute appointment with my obgyn today because i knew i needed antibiotics. unfortunately, they wouldn't just do it over the phone. so i asked my sister if she could meet me there and watch my children in the waiting area. she did. i tell you, arriving at the doctor's office and seeing my sister waiting for me there was like getting a ray of sunshine. after my appointment, i was going to head home because i was getting worse. but my sister insisted i get the medicine, asap. she offered to go with me and i was so grateful. i couldn't have handled it on my own. we put the kids in the play area at the store and walked around together, waiting for the prescription to be ready. although i felt awful, we joked and laughed about random stuff. having a sister is a beautiful thing. as i told my sister today, it's like having a built-in best friend. i sure needed that today. she said she'd be my best friend substitute anytime.

back at home, i could feel myself withering away. the pain increased, my fever became worse, and i couldn't get myself off the couch. thank goodness for naptime. all three children slept as i laid there, feeling horrible and thinking about everything. jim came home early and took over. he's wonderful. i connected with friends as i laid there with my new cell phone. i am still trying to figure that thing out. i was texting back and forth with my BFF and when i tried to add a ringtone to her name, i ended up calling her. it was a pleasant accident...good to hear her voice. i also spoke with a good friend who (unfortunately) lives on the east coast. see, why are my peeps so far away?!? anyway...she just discovered she's having twins. i'm elated for her.

i wonder why some people need friendships and hobbies while others do just fine without them. i partly envy my mom because she never had the desire for girlfriends or "me time." her world was her six children, and my father. it was the same for my dad. they had each other and that was that. no wonder they worked out so beautifully.

i wish i didn't feel so restless.

decisions, decisions....

the kids are gone this weekend. jim is (hallelujah!!) not on-call. i have wanted to paint the living/dining rooms for the longest time. do we paint, or take advantage of the weekend alone and go do something (with jackson in tow, of course)?? and if we don't paint and we decide to go somewhere....where should we go??

or should we stay and paint?

ugh.

what to do....

sweet links!!!

here are a couple AWESOME links that put a smile on my face and made my day. i just LOVE feel-good stuff like this...

do the "do-re-mi!!" (how cool would it have been, to be there when this happened?!?)

talent shocker (i love when people prove others wrong!!)

and it just gets weirder.

my life has felt surreal for a few years now: an unexpected pregnancy (jenna), a devastating (and also unexpected) divorce, a taste of single motherhood, a remarriage and an instant family, and a new pregnancy (due any day now). i have never been very good with change. much of the time, it's difficult for me unless i planned the change myself. as soon as something changes, my life course is altered - whether greatly or slightly - and over time i make do, and adjust. pretty soon, i accept and get used to the changes. some things are harder to accept than others, though. for example, part of me is still reeling from the divorce. it happened a year and a half ago, but since i was married for almost a decade and never thought it would ever happen to me, i continue to adjust and have a difficult time with its ripple effect (affect? i can never get those straight).

this past weekend presented yet another ripple. my ex asked if we could switch weekends around, and then explained why he wants this. apparently, the man who left the Church and left me with three children is now dating an LDS mother of three. wow.

WOW.

naturally, this news shocked and confused me. i've been used to the idea of him dating and have even met a couple of the women he's seen. sure, it was weird to smile and shake hands with them, but these were single women without children who had a similar lifestyle as him (drinking, carefree fun, blah blah blah). so, to get the news that he is pursuing a relationship with someone who has a life much like the one he recently ran away from, it's disturbing to me. i had my "me" weekend all planned out, but then i got this strange, surprising news from him and it weighed so heavily on my mind, i found it difficult to fully enjoy myself.

my head was suddenly filled with all kinds of questions and concerns. apparently, this woman is trying to return to Church and is dating my ex, who has left the Church and now drinks with questionable people. this woman has children, and i don't know her story at all, but if her story is anything like mine, i am very worried about her. she's a single mom who has obviously been through something. knowing what i know about my ex husband, i am genuinely concerned that she is in for more rough waters. my ex would think my concerns are...well...NOT my concern. but how can i not wonder what this new relationship is going to mean for all parties involved? the most important, of course, being the children. so yeah, i am deeply concerned.

i have considered that my ex may one day change his ways and return to the gospel, which would be great! however, i have a hard time believing it's happening right now. if a young, single mom wants a gospel-centered life and she's dating a man who drinks socially, has a particular addiction, bad language and a short fuse, how can that possibly be a good thing?? what will happen to her goals, her success in life? i don't know who this woman is, but i'm really worried about her and her children. is that weird??

i keep thinking about a friend of mine, who is an LDS single mother. she is trying to be active in Church but makes the worst choices in men. i absolutely love my friend and wouldn't want her to ever date a man like my ex husband. in fact, when she's told me about similar guys she's been dating, i warn her and give her advice. sure, these guys are sweet on the surface. they have charm, charisma, a cool job, a fun personality....but what do these things really mean?? what is all that surface stuff going to do for a struggling single mother? just as i wanted stability and a help-meet with lasting qualities when i was on my own with three small children, i want the same for my friend. i want the same for this unknown woman who is dating my ex husband. i want the same for all women who've been in these shoes.

when i am presented with new information, my brain branches out in all directions. i think of the past and how damaging it was. i think of how past decisions have affected our present. and i think about what may happen in the future. obviously, if this woman is getting back into Church and my ex wants a "complete" relationship with her, they'd probably get married. that would be his third marriage and her - who knows?? the success rate goes down, down, down. my children would grow up knowing her and her children...and what if it didn't last? if this woman falls away from the Church again, like my ex, what will that do? these thoughts only scratch the surface of what's going on in my head. i really don't think my ex thinks of these things. he just sees something shiny and happily skips after it. he doesn't always consider the consequences and/or how it will affect others. i wonder if this woman, this mother of three, would be dating him, if she knew how he'd left another mother of three. i just don't get it. i wonder what her story is...

so my surreal life just got more surreal. what can i say?? it's a painful reminder of all that has transpired. it feels odd, unfair, confusing, questionable, upsetting.....weird. very weird.