saturday!!

heart of the home

i am learning lots of valuable things when it comes to living in a house. for example: the garbage truck will not pick up yard debri if it's in big, black plastic bags. yeah, last week i dragged all those heavy black bags to the curb and they were never picked up. the recyclables collector guy (yeah, i also didn't know different trucks come for each different container) - he said they won't pick up the yard debri in black bags like that. well, i thought he meant they won't pick up yard debri in black bags just sitting on the curb. so i threw them into the trash cans, thinking that would suffice. well, they didn't pick them up. lesson learned. so, on monday night, i was out there with a pair of scissors at 10pm, cutting the bags away from all those sticks and leaves. it was a wet, dirty experience, but i am so glad i finally did it the right way. they came by this morning and dumped my yard debri into the truck. yay!

so, i am settling into this beautiful home with my cute, squishy children. people keep making comments about how my life must be so much nicer now. i've been feeling guilty about that, like i should automatically be happy and at peace because i am now living in a house. believe me, i am beyond thrilled to leave apartment life behind (especially since it started getting really smokey where i was living). however, just because i'm in a house rather than an apartment doesn't mean my challenges have gone away. i've been so stressed out lately, with taking care of my children, doing childcare, unpacking and settling in, trying to stay on top of my schoolwork, and all the usual life things like paying bills, running errands, cleaning, yadda yadda yadda...

i am feeling incredibly grateful to live in this house. what an amazing opportunity. what a gift! how nice, to have a backyard the children can play in! this morning, i sat on the bench swing and watched them run about and use the new swingset. it was so pleasant. i felt satisfied and happy. strange, because later this afternoon i was bawling on my friend's shoulder about how stressed out and overwhelmed i have been feeling. this house is a wonderful thing. life is still hard, though.

i have good friends and good family. i am so grateful for that. i've been feeling guilty about feeling stressed and overwhelmed. i guess you could say i am not giving myself permission to be a human being. with all the comments i've been getting about how living in a house equals happiness, i wondered if i was being ungrateful because i was still having a difficult time. my loving friends and family assured me that i still have so much on my plate, and living in a house doesn't make that go away. i don't even know if i am making complete sense right now. life is still difficult, but i am so happy to be here in this house.

i miss my best friend like nothing else. i can't wait til we can spend time together again. he doesn't complete me - rather, he adds to the richness i already have in my life. he brings more color and dimension to what i already possess. it's a beautiful thing. i appreciate him. i appreciate us. i appreciate me when i am with him. i've become a better person on my own, and he instills an even greater desire within me to rise to my potential, to be even better, to accomplish more, to give more, to experience more.

love is awesome. i adore him. i miss him. he is beautiful, inside and out. he's a good, good man - how rare! did i mention i miss him?? *sigh*

things have becoming increasingly difficult with the kids. there's been more fighting amongst them, more drama with my oldest daughter, and so on. i think a lot of it has to do with the fact that there is only one of me and i just never have the time! my daughter came home from her friends house, with lemon bread and chocolate chip cookies in her arms. her friend's mom is a "stay-at-home" mom and baked them from scratch. there was a time when i could do that. i used to bake with my children. i used to play more games, read more stories, give more hugs and have more one-on-one conversations than i do now. i am incredibly sad about it. i felt envious when i thought of this mother, baking and doing arts and crafts with the girls. me, whenever i have any spare time these days, i am catching up on schoolwork, throwing a load of laundry into the wash, attacking the dishes that fill the sink, or balancing my checkbook to see how much money i don't have. i can still remember how it felt when i was that lucky stay-at-home mom, able to give all her time and attention to her children. i really miss those days and i can honestly say i took that time for granted. if i am able to get that back one of these days, i will never take it for granted ever again.

i listen with longing, to my sisters and girlfriends, as they tell me about their fun-filled family vacations, how their kids are signed up for dance or soccer, or how they took their children to the zoo or the waterpark. i faintly smile as they complain about whatever their husband didn't do, or what thing he said to aggravate them. i listen, as she complains that her husband had to leave on business for the weekend and they weren't able to see him for two whole days. and i just think to myself..."hey...at least you have a husband. at least he is coming home soon."

in the heart of the home, there must be gratitude. the heart of the home measures life by blessings, not by wordly successes. it is not about keeping up with the joneses or filling the minutes of your day with things that bring pleasure only to yourself. the heart of the home is time spent together. it is in the eye contact that says, "i love you - and you matter to me." it is in the selfless deeds that go unnoticed. it is choosing to love your family members, even when they are acting unlovable. the heart of the home allows everyone to be human, yet encourages each individual to strive for their very best. i often wonder what condition the heart of my home is in. sometimes i feel like it's under attack. sometimes i want to run away from the daily noise, chaos, mess and responsibilities. sometimes i feel like no matter what i do, it's not good enough. at times, i feel unappreciated, unnoticed, stretched too thin...

but then all it takes are the tiny arms of my baby, wrapped around my neck - big, blue eyes, staring up at me...or my son sillily declaring, "my name is goo-goo!" and planting a big, wet kiss on my lips....or my daughter, stroking my arm and telling me to sit down because i work really hard....these bring me back to reality. the reality is, i am the heart of the home. my attitude, my disposition, my example - they all set the tone. what a great responsibility. i am overwhelmed. i am grateful. what a glorious undertaking.

moving day

it's 8am. the children have been dressed and bathed (not in that order). i am feeling happy, although my body is completely drained of energy from the lack of food and sleep. it's been a very chaotic, sloppy, incoherent kind of week as i've struggled to watch children, get bills paid, pack and keep up with school.

ah, school.

my brain is completely fried. can i just tell you how difficult it is, going back to school while being a "single" mom, AND doing childcare AND moving?!? yeah. somehow, i have managed to stay on top of things - barely. i have a paper due this saturday and i honestly did not think i'd be able to turn anything in. the assignment requires me to interview an educator and none of my contacts returned my calls or were even available. seems like everyone and their dog is on vacation right now. sheesh. anyway, at the last minute, someone came through for me. hallelujah!! i am thrilled that i will be able to complete this assignment. i tell ya, i can't stand turning in less than stellar work. however, sometimes - with this crazy life i lead - i have no choice other than mediocrity. sad, but true. at this point, i just want to pass.

because of the insanity which is my existence, i've been moving boxes over to the house whenever possible. i'd pack a few, then bring them over. sometimes i've even managed to unload them and bring empty boxes back. still, here i am on moving day, and there is still so much to pack - and i have run out of boxes. the men from church are coming at 6pm today to help, so i am going to work my butt off today (yeah, that thing doesn't seem to want to stay attached).

so, i am absolutely exhausted - but happy. today, i move into a house. the last time i lived in a house, was more than a decade ago, in the house i grew up in. there is nothing to stop the tears, when i think about my children being able to grow up in a house. this is huge. i don't know how to properly express the joy i feel, when we go over there and i watch my children run about freely in the backyard, or jump and stomp about in the house, with no fear of repercussions from downstairs neighbors. i feel so much love for the one who made this dream a reality for us.

the sweet lady who lived below us moved away. she put up with so much noise for several months. bless that woman!! we have new neighbors now, and like the neighbors diagonal of us, they smoke. i am incredibly grateful to be moving away from this. goodbye, apartment life!! goodbye....hopefully, forever.

i've thought a great deal about moving into this house - and staying in it for many, many years. i have envisioned so many memories that lay against the landscape of my future. my heart swells, as i daydream.

well, i suppose i should end this blog and get to work! today is a good day. *smile*

july 4th

we had a great july 4th!! this cul de sac neighborhood we are moving into has a huge party every 4th (and new year's eve). a couple neighbors at the end of the street work together, and they "host" the event. we were invited, so we went!

i think we arrived sometime in the 3 o'clock hour (after naptime). it was a bit intimidating, at first...walking into that street gathering and knowing no one. but actually i had met a few neighbors before, so those neighbors found me and helped make me comfortable. the kids had so much fun. they rode their bikes in the street (street was closed off for the party), there was a dunk tank and a slip and slide on someone's lawn. there was tons of food, music, volleyball, etc. what an amazing neighborhood, we're moving into!! it felt like a family reunion! everyone was incredibly nice. even the older teens were conversing with us and being helpful and attentive to the kids. around 9:30pm, they handed out sparklers and glow-in-the-dark sticks (that you can link together and turn into bracelets). the sparkler fun lasted for maybe half an hour as the guys prepped the fireworks! then at 10pm, everyone gathered on the lawns and there was a "show."

we watched the fireworks show with a "younger" family. they have two daughters: hannah (7) and jessica (10). the parents were incredibly fun and nice, and fairly new to the street themselves (about a year and a half). jim and brad (the dad) have the military in common, so they were getting along fabulously.

earlier in the day, i had left with james and jenna because i needed to do a couple things at home. jessica stayed behind, with jim. apparently, she met hannah a couple minutes after i left and they became instant friends! they were really cute together and i am excited that she has a little buddy to play with! i didn't see anyone james or jenna's age but i was told the ages range from 2-18. oh, when i returned to the party, jim had jessica's training wheels off her bike and was teaching her to ride. i loved that! i have wanted to do that for so long but have never been able to.

we had such a great time. i am so excited about living with these really fun, kind, generous people!! what a perfect place to live!! here are some pics from the day...