*dingalingaling* come and get it!

there is more to family mealtimes at the dinner table than what is on the menu. although i know this to be true, there is great satisfaction in creating a beautiful and delicious meal for my family. now that i am a "single" mom, practically working 24-7, going back to college and caring for additional children for additional income, the days of creating those colorful and delectable meals have long since past. these days, i am barely able to scramble some eggs for dinner, or open up a can of stew and heat it up on the stove - with some canned peaches on the side. i am grateful for these quick and easy meals. yes, they are also delicious...but they tend to be rather boring - especially when i keep repeating them. there is something to be said about a colorful meal presented in a beautiful manner.

looking back, i think i took advantage of the fact that i could more leisurely prepare a lovely meal for my family. i used to delve into different, fancy recipes. i would prepare delicious meats, pastas, salads and side dishes. i loved when the table was beautifully spread with food that i made. i took great satisfaction in not only feeding my family, but feeding them a wonderful homemade meal of my own efforts. i also used to make cookies, cakes and breads more often. i miss that so much. my feelings about offering up these amazing dinners have not changed, however, my circumstances have. i long for the day when i can bring the beautifully rich and satisfying mealtime experience back to my family dinner table.

i am the youngest of six children. we would eat dinner at the dinner table, as a family, every single night. as evening approached, my mother could be found busy in the kitchen, preparing dinner. my mother would make delicious meals and my father would come home and unwind. all he had to do was sit down at the head of the table and eat. this is what i experienced, as a child, and so it was what i always envisioned for my own life. a traditional family with traditional mealtimes. how nice...

i have dinner baking in the oven right now. it's one of my simpler recipes - but hey, it's a recipe! it didn't come wholly from a can and i had to do some chopping and stirring. it may sound silly, but i was in HEAVEN!! my children colored at the table while i prepared dinner. somehow, I was able to find the time to do this tonight. it certainly helps when everyone is well behaved and entertaining themselves. i have set a goal for myself, to make at least one "fancier" meal each week. my daughter lit up when she saw me making dinner as I used to. i want to give my children the same kind of memories i am blessed to possess. to have a good, healthy, happy, fun, wonderful childhood...rich and abundant with culture, family outings, silly moments, lessons learned....how priceless! i want that for them - they deserve it.

i believe the man i love and intend to one day marry has the same goals, ideals, values and desires. that means everything to me. there is nothing I want more than a joyful life with the ones I hold most dear - my family. having mealtimes together, i believe, is part of the glue that keeps families together. it is during those mealtimes that we can pause from our hectic schedules, listen to one another, laugh with one another, share our days, ask questions, look one another in the eyes, share priceless memories, even learn some manners!

dinner will be ready in fifteen minutes. my home is filled with delicious aromas and my children are now happily playing in their bedroom. in this moment, life is incredibly sweet. i am so happy.

gotta get my groove on...

writing assignment

this is my first assignment for my college writing class. we were asked to write a little bio, no more than 300 words (mine is exactly 300 - go ME!). we were asked to tell the rest of the class (this is posted to a forum) about our past, present & future, what writing means to us and our careers and why we are taking an on-line class. that's a lot to cram into a dinky 300 words or less (which is why i used every word i possibly could)! so far, everyone has submitted a rather dry response. i am bored out of my mind, reading a bunch of stats. me, I wanted to write something more creative, rather than some dull piece about myself. here is what I wrote:

I am fair-skinned Swede who grew up near the sunny beaches of Southern California. Yes, I admit it – I am a Valley girl. I never managed to get that perfect tan, though. I was always getting sunburns, as a result of my friends teasing me about my “neon skin.” I quickly learned that I preferred to be indoors or under the shade of my family’s orange tree, writing stories and poetry, rather than sun-bathing with the rest of my cheerleading friends.

In the shade of that orange tree, I was invincible. Writing was my escape from so many things. The words that flowed from pen to paper made me feel strong. Writing was what I turned to, when life became difficult. After high school, I faced great adversity. Somehow, I persevered. Much of my ability to endure, I owe to writing.

I now face one of my greatest challenges. After nine years of marriage and three beautiful children, my husband decided to leave us. You can imagine the amount of writing that ensued! From this devastating, life-altering experience, I’ve learned a great deal about life, and about myself. I am stronger and more capable than I ever imagined.

I returned to school, taking on-line classes, and began watching other children for additional income. These two opportunities enable me to remain home with my children, which is my greatest goal and desire.

For me, writing will always be important. It holds significance as I teach my children and as I pursue a degree in Early Childhood Education. As the character in Edgar Allen Poe’s “The Raven” believed the Balm of Gilead would mend his broken heart for the lost Lenore, I believe writing has played a great role in the healing of my own heart. Writing is my Balm of Gilead.

be a pickle!

at church today, the lesson in relief society came from the may 2007 ensign. in it, there is a talk by elder david bednar, entitled, "ye must be born again." now, i wasn't able to fully concentrate on the lesson for a variety of reasons, but the things i did catch, were excellent. it was a great lesson! because i missed some of it, i went home and read the article in it's entirety. a huge thanks, to my best friend, who gave me the gift of an ensign subscription (lol...i almost said "prescription" - but that wouldn't be too inaccurate, would it? it's been like medicine for the soul!). anyone who wants to read this article can simply go to the Church website and read it there. i really appreciate being able to lay on my couch and read from the magazine, rather than sit at my computer. it's nice. anyway, here's my own little summary....

cucumbers can be changed into pickles through a particular process, which includes: preparing and cleaning, immersing and saturating, and finally...sealing. this process of turning cucumbers into pickles can be likened to our being born again. i absolutely LOVE analogies...so i ate this right up (okay, that was cheesey - i know).

as sons and daughters of God, we must be born again if we are to enter into His presence again. we must deny ungodliness, come unto Christ and be perfected in Him. in doing this, we shed ourselves of the natural man and our hearts are changed. "we have no more disposition to do evil, but to do good continually (mosiah 5:2)." how cool is that?! how incredible to naturally think and do only that which is good and true! no more grumbling at the guy that cut us off in traffic, no more murmuring at enduring life's trials, no more judging of others harshly... this is why we are here! this is our big test! are we passing or failing? if we are to become "new creatures" in Christ (2 corinthians 5:17), what are we doing about it?

we need to be immersed in the process of pickling ourselves. haha! that sounds really funny. just as with pickles, if you don't follow the process with precision, you will not achieve the end result! we want to change from cucumbers to pickles - we want to shed ourselves of this natural man and have a mighty change in heart. we must be born again!

the first step in the pickling process is preparing and cleaning. one cannot proceed until all the filth and grime are removed. the Lord has a high standard of cleanliness. we must repent daily if we are to move forward.

next, comes immersing and saturating. cucumbers have to sit in salt brine for a length of time, in order to change their composition and taste. merely dipping or sprinkling the cucumbers will not bring about the change. in fact, the entire cucumber must be fully immersed if the process is to work. likewise, we must be fully immersed in the gospel if we are to change our natures. sporadic adherance to gospel principles will not bring about the mighty change that is required. our complete immersion in living a Christ-centered life will allow us to be born again.

finally, the cured cucumbers must be purified and sealed. the jars they are placed in must be completely sterilized and they must be heat processed to remove all impurities. a boiling water bath enables the pickles to be preserved and protected for a long period of time. as we receive ordinances and honor sacred covenants, we, too, become purified. we are protected and preserved by the Atonement of Christ, as we follow Him and repent.

at the end of the process, a delicious pickle emerges! crunchy and sweet to the taste, is this green treat that experienced the entire process to perfection! there will be a sweetness for us as well, when we emerge as new creatures in Christ. so....be a pickle, my friends! be a pickle!

on the way home from Church, i drove behind a van with a sticker on the back which read, "if you are living like there is no God, then you'd better be right!" funny, but true, eh? i am certainly far from perfect, but i always want to live in a way that pleases my Father in Heaven. looking back on my life, i have always been happiest, following the gospel plan. that is where i want to stay.

"me" time

today was pretty wonderful. i slept in 'til 10am (normally i wake to my 6:50am alarm). i can't tell you how yummy it was, waking up naturally like that. it's a good thing, too - because i think i got home around 2am. let's just say i had a late night craving...

friday night was my final counseling session. i was super early, so i went across the street to fred meyer and wandered around. they had lots of sales going on. i ended up in the jewelry store, though. i tried some rings on, just for fun. mmm, sparkly! *teehee* i hadn't eaten anything, so i bought a strawberry yogurt smoothie and headed to my appointment. it was a great "wrap-up" session. we just reviewed the past year and she asked me lots of questions. kinda felt like i was back in school, taking an oral exam. the end of the session arrived and we parted ways. that was hard. she's seen me through a really devastating year. i will miss talking to her.

the night was still young! i returned to fred meyer. yeah, i guess i am a dork. it was fun though! i purchased some things i needed. i also purchased some really huge sunglasses. yep, that's right folks...i have joined the big sunglasses masses. it's a sad statement to make, but it's true. frankly (i am going to get that officially changed to "jimly" - that's sounds much better, IMO), i think the massive sunglasses epidemic is ridiculous. they have become one big eye-roll for me. buuuut, i have to say....for someone as sensitive to light as i am - they are FABulous! so, yeah. i bought them. they were on sale.

so back to my story... last night, i was up pretty late. it was sooo fun to stay up late, knowing i could sleep in the next day. i ended up doing something spontaneous. that was really fun. i think i left my place sometime around 12:30am. i was totally giddy! anyway, i ran a little "errand" and succumbed to a late-night (early morning?) craving. okay, it was denny's. there was a location right next to the freeway on-ramp, so i stopped for a super bird. mmmm... i gobbled it on the way home. man, i was TIRED...

i got up around 10am, got ready and left for bellevue. here i am, in my new HUGE sunglasses, yapping on the phone with my best gal pal, shallyn...


once in bellevue, i stopped at the deseret bookstore and purchased a beautiful journal. then i went around the corner and ate at my favorite little indian restuarant. they have a rockin' lunch buffet for only $9. YUUMMM! it was so pleasant, sitting there, writing in my new journal and eating my food. i was actually doing more writing than eating. next thing i knew, i had written five pages and my food was cold. oops! that's the great thing about buffets, though - i could just get more warm food! here's a pic of my delectable indian food and that beautiful new journal...



i didn't finish my cold food...but i did finish a third bowl of rice pudding (that stuff is supposed to be cold)! as i paid my bill, i talked to the waiter about the music they were playing. there was this one song that i fell in love with! it's called "deewana" by sonu nigam. what a beautiful song. i asked him what it was about - it's a love song. i kinda already knew that, though...it sounds like one.

i left the restaurant and went to the 3pm session at the temple. i lingered for as long as i possibly could, before returning home. it was so beautiful outside, when i walked out of the temple. of course, i took some pictures...





i got home just in time to change my clothes, "prep" the house for the children's return, then head to seattle to pick them up. it is so nice to have them back with me. i missed them. i always miss them when they go. buuuuut, i LOVE my "me" time! no doubt!!

perfect fit

you know those jeans that look great on the rack, but then you try them on, and they are nothing like you hoped they'd be? yeah. i've had those jeans before. i picked a tall pair of jeans that seemed to scream, "wear me! i will look FABulous on you!" i showed the jeans to my friends and they agreed it looked like a really nice pair. some of my friends were skeptical about these jeans and thought they might not fit me, but i didn't care! my mind was made up - i was going to buy them!! wait a sec....just BUY them? wasn't i going to try them on first?? nope! i was sooooo smart. i felt like i had some experience in this area and knew they'd fit, just by looking at them. i was convinced they'd "make me happy."

so i brought the jeans home. turns out, they didn't compliment my figure at all. some people thought the jeans looked great on me, some didn't. since i already bought them, i decided to make the most of it. i looked for the good in them and ignored the bad stuff. sure, they were uncomfortable...but the color was nice. sure, i had to keep adjusting myself when i wore them...but the style was "in."

i owned these jeans for many years. i continued to wear them through weight gain and weight loss. i wore them through pregnancies. i continued to wear them, even when they became stained and torn. i held onto this pair of jeans and convinced myself that these painful jeans were, indeed, what i wanted. i told myself that i would never find any better pair - and besides, i made the choice to purchase them...and i stick to my committments.

well, the jeans continued to tear and more stains appeared. i tried to mend them and tried to get the stains out, but it just wasn't working. i was so frustrated. i even tried to lose weight, hoping that would make things more comfortable. finally, it got to the point where i realized it just wasn't working anymore. the jeans had run their course. every time i put them on, they seemed to reject me. and so, i released my jeans back into the world. perhaps someone else would find these jeans and they'd fit. they certainly did not fit me.

at first, it was really difficult without my jeans. they were so old and familiar to me. i sincerely believed there'd never be another pair for me. i couldn't imagine finding anything better than what i had had. after all i had spent on mending and cleaning those jeans, i was broke. i had nothing left to give. i was in no position to look for new jeans...and even if i was, i was too exhausted.

some time passed, and i was surprised to find that life was better without my old jeans! during that time, i was able to reflect on why those old jeans did not work out. i also thought a lot about the kind of jeans i would like to have one day....the kind that would last a very, very long time.

in the meantime, i wore shorts and skirts because they were comforting during this difficult, uncomfortable season. well, one day a pair of jeans caught my eye. i wasn't even looking for jeans...but there was something about this particular pair. i wasn't ready to commit to a new pair of jeans, and to be honest, did not have the money. they weren't the flashy style i was accustomed to, but something about them drew me right in. i ran my fingers against the fabric. they felt really nice. i walked around the rack a couple times and returned to the jeans and checked the price tag. hmm...it was reasonably priced! best of all, was the brand name. i knew that these jeans would last a very, very long time. unlike my old jeans, i knew i could count on this new pair. it would resist stains and would not tear easily, like my old pair.

i left the clothing section and walked around, pondering these new jeans. as i walked, thoughts of my old jeans kept popping up. no...i wasn't ready to buy new jeans yet. i was still holding on to the memories of my old pair, even though they had done me wrong. i knew my old jeans had been a nuisance...so why did i care so much?! i think they had just grown so familiar that i looked past the fact that they hurt me, were worldly and just...didn't fit me as well as i'd hoped.

i didn't buy the jeans that day, but i would visit them every now and then. they started to become familiar to me. they were not my usual style, but that began to appeal to me as well. still, they didn't look like they'd fit me. but i couldn't shake the fact that there was something about them...

the day finally came when i went to the store and tried them on. i was pleasantly surprised to discover - they fit perfectly. it was as if they had been made just for me. i no longer questioned the different style...i loved them just as they were. these new jeans were so incredibly comfortable, highly unique and of great quality. it made sense to have them, but aside from it being a smart choice, it was also what my heart wanted.

i had forgotten my purse, so i rushed home to get money. unfortunately, i became distracted. when i finally got back on track, the store was closed. first thing the next morning, i got up early and drove to the store. i was eager, excited, thrilled beyond words! i was the very first customer there, when the store finally opened. but...my heart sank, when i approached the rack and saw the jeans were not there anymore. i panicked! i looked everywhere and even had the store workers help. turned out i was too late...someone had purchased them the night before. ohhh, WHY did i wait so long?!? the problem was, i had needed all that time. i needed the time to familiarize myself with the jeans and figure out what i really wanted. i wanted them - but now they were gone forever. or, so i thought...

now, you'd think i'd never see those jeans ever again, right? well, amazingly, i found them! they were being resold, now at a much greater price. i was more than willing to pay it! unfortunately, someone else wanted the jeans, too. there was a bidding war...and i won. i won!!

these wonderful jeans are now mine. i am so proud of them. i never, in a million years, thought it would be possible to find jeans such as these....that don't just have some or most of the qualities i desire...but ALL of them. they are nothing like the jeans i used to wear. they are modest in style and cut. they are not cheaply made...but are made out of the finest material. there is a great attention to detail that you just don't find in most jeans these days. they are strong and sturdy and i know they will last forever. when i first tried them on, i really didn't think they were going to fit me, but they do. oh, how they do...

they are the perfect fit.

today!

my oldest graduated from kindergarten today!! *sigh* i can't believe she'll be in first grade, this fall. wow. where do the years go? a good friend watched the kids for me so i could attend the party/ceremony in her classroom. the kids sang some songs, her teacher talked about the past year and even showed a beautiful slide show, set to the song: "i hope you dance." i said loudly, "are you TRYING to make us cry?!" haha..

it's hard to believe her kindergarten year is already over. i have many more first and last days of school ahead of me. james and jenna haven't even hit preschool age yet. and i am sure i will have more children...at least one more! i've been baby hungry lately...but that's another blog...

my sweet downstairs neighbor took some pictures for us, and then we changed clothes and went to the park. there were lots of people there, today! it was soooo warm - jessica was complaining about the heat just minutes after we arrived. i tried to get her to keep drinking water. after some fun play time, we took a long stroll, back to the vehicle (which i had parked along the road because the parking lot was FULL).

there were some upsetting moments today, due to "alien" (that's what i call my soon-to-be-ex)...but other than those times, it was a good day. we returned home from the park and hung out for a while, then i changed back into my other clothes and we went to costco. why, you ask?? to pick up our pizza and berry sundaes, of course!! friday nights are pizza/movie night at our place...but when the kids are with their dad, we move it to thursday. so, we brought the food home and watched "watcher in the woods." it's a freaky disney movie from back in the day. jessica insisted, and didn't think it was too scary. well, we'll see if she wakes up in the middle of the night and comes to my door...

catching up

i'm sitting here, eating the bing cherries my lovely downstairs neighbor gave me. mmm, mmm gooood. the apartment was pretty warm today. i have a fan blowing but it doesn't cool things down much. these cherries are the perfect cool, summer treat. in fact, i might as well make them my dinner. i don't feel like making anything - it's my night "off" (well, for an hour and a half, anyway). i have a gift card for red robin, but i want to save that for an extra special day. bing cherries, plain yogurt and a slice of homemade wheat bread. perfect.

i've taken tons of pictures lately, so i figured i'd post them the easiest way i know how: rockyou! i love that place. so...these first photos are from yesterday (my horrible, no-good, very bad day). of course, you can't tell that, from the pictures. good! a brief summary for ya: jasmine had a rough morning, so (after dropping jessica off at school), i took the kiddos to the park. i'd never been to this one before. it's nice! it's really close to my best friend's new casa. jasmine was much happier, just being outside to play. i think they all were. it made me feel badly for staying in the apartment all the time. it didn't take long for me to remember WHY we are always indoors - it's much easier! i tell ya, being at the park with two two year olds and two 15 month olds is EXHAUSTING (to say the very, very least). still, it was so worth it. i got a great work out and they had a ball. i can't believe i did that for a full hour. yes, a FULL hour!! *phew!* they were happy, so i was happy. it definitely was more exciting than being at home. later that night, i put jessica's pink camo tent up in their room and they camped out. jenna wasn't too thrilled about laying in there with them - not even for a quick snapshot. oh well....the kids went to bed all giggly and giddy over the fun camping adventure in their room, and jenna and i left to hang out in the living room. what a DAY, that was!!

today went much better than yesterday. MUUUCH better. jasmine did great this morning, and after dropping jessica off at school, i ran some errands. after that, i was heading home...but it was such a gorgeous day that i turned around and took the kids to the park again! yeah! I KNOW! i took them to a nearby park, across the street from an elementary school. when they saw the park come into view, they all squealed with delight. soooo funny. we didn't stay a full hour, but pretty darn close to that! i didn't have my camera on me this time, but i figured we took enough park pictures the day before. today was our final day with mckenna, until school starts up again in the fall. we'll miss her! it was an extra fun day today, with the children. anyway, about the photos... it begins with me waking up after having barely any sleep (yet again). i still believe that i am the kind of person that NEEDS makeup - i think i look tons better with the stuff on. i'd love to be one of those girls that rolls out of bed looking naturally beautiful...but i'm not. let's face the facts, people! so anyway, there was a point during the afternoon that only my children were up - all three of them! they were all sitting at the table, doing something. it was sweet. jenna was magna-doodling (more like magna-drooling), james was fishing with his magnetic puzzle, and jessica was using her hair-beader. she tried to put beads in my hair, but after seeing the big tangly mess she made of her own hair, i declined. LOL... after parents came and picked their little ones up, we got camera happy and just hung out being silly and enjoying one another until their dad came to pick them up. we were having a blast until i realized there was still a huge mess of toys in the sunroom - so mean mommy made everyone clean up. jessica thought it was funny to snap pictures as i ordered everyone around. hey, i'm not that bad...i helped them clean up. i try to make it fun by singing "clean up" songs. sometimes i even make up my own words: "everybody clean up cuz if you don't then mama's gonna sit on you and you're not gonna like that because i'm a lot heavier than youuuuu..." guess you had to be there. it was a lovely tune.



so, that's that. i have one hour til the kids are back. what to do...what to do... i'd tell you what i wish i was doing but then...no, no i wouldn't tell you. ha!

i'm a what???

i was about to title this blog, "i'm a schmuck" until i learned what "schmuck" actually is. heh...oops. so, instead, i'll just call myself an idiot. that'll suit me just fine, right now.

i really hate insecurity. more specifically, i despise being insecure. [note: i can already tell this blog is going to take forever to write, with the way this morning is going]

sure, enough...it's two and a half hours later and i am just now continuing this blog. it's been a busy morning. i made a big breakfast for the kids: scrambled eggs with cheese, pancakes, tator tots and fresh-squeezed orange juice. i realize i can easily make cereal, but sometimes it's nice to do something special and out-of-the-ordinary. normally, i save the big breakfasts for the weekend, when things aren't *as* crazy. besides, it's mckenna's last day with us, until school starts up again, in the fall. it's been such a pleasure having her, and i am so grateful for the job. sure, it's been difficult, but i feel very blessed to have had the opportunity!

so, back to the blog topic. i am lame - i admit it. i have this amazing prospect up ahead and i feel as if i am sabotaging it. do i feel unworthy of this chance? i am not sure. last night i was having one massive pity party. i rarely go there...but yesterday was especially difficult, for a variety of reasons. i haven't crashed into "wallowland" for quite some time - not like last night. for the friend i love, i saw a road which forked in the middle. one path led to freedom, security, adventure, mystery. it was paved with money and dipped down into a beautiful valley with lush gardens and trees. the other road was rough, embedded with rocks. it was not an easy path to take, as it revealed another hill at every turn. there were dips in the road, now and then..sometimes with a brook to stop and take a refreshing drink at...but this was not an easy road. i am being vague and strange right now, for a reason. good thing i at least know what i am talking about. *smile* last night, after putting my precious little ones to bed, i sat on my couch and thought this over. i feel like the more difficult choice, and i wondered to myself, "who, in their right mind, would choose this? and why??"

i wallowed. i threw myself a pity party. i am really good at making myself depressed, if i allow it. that's just the thing, i knew exactly what i was doing, and yet i continued doing it. why, do i do that to myself? i found myself analyzing every little thing - over-analyzing, i should say. i began creating red flags where there probably *are* no red flags! still, i couldn't see past the dates and things that were said and done on those dates. on top of being in agony over that, i was putting myself down quite a bit - comparing myself, which is never a good idea. everyone has their strengths and weaknesses. everyone has their great qualities, and everyone has poor qualities, too. of course, when comparing, we tend to only compare our worst to someone else's best (what we perceive to be someone else's best). good thing i am able to acknowledge all this, otherwise i'd probably never crawl my way out of the hole i dug for myself.

i spoke to my mom last night, just before going to bed. once again, i went to bed wayyy too late. however, i know myself well enough to know i wouldn't be able to sleep with all that was on my mind. i also can't sleep when i am feeling that low. talking to my mom helped. she reminded me the source of my negativity. when she told me to just put my hands on my hips and go, "pthhh!!" to that source (yeah, she really did go, "pthhh!" into the phone), i laughed so hard. it was hilarious. laughter always helps me transition into a better place. i appreciated her advice and her humor. feeling better, i hung up with my mom and treated myself to a long, hot shower. i brought my stereo in (not IN the shower, don't worry), and played a particular jem song, over and over again. then i went to bed.

this morning, i got an upsetting call from my mom. my friend had copied my blog and shared it with her. i wasn't too thrilled about that. i love that they are communicating, but where is the line drawn? my mom was concerned that i was damaging my future by blogging. i didn't see the harm in venting last night, but i suppose, now, i do. the last thing i wanted to do was cause anyone to feel badly....especially someone i love and respect beyond measure. that pains me. this whole situation i'm in is extremely frustrating. the one person i desire most to communicate with, i can't. and when conflicts or questions arise while we aren't even able to discuss it, what are we to do?? i end up venting into a blog!

i don't know what to do with this new information i have. despite that, i still love my friend fervently and wait with highly impatient anticipation for that time when we are able to talk again. there is a lot to talk about. i detest my insecurities. these lowly feelings are only intensified by the bizarre cicumstances we find ourselves in. i feel exactly as my friend, who once wrote: "When I'm alone I'm lonely but confident. When I'm with someone that I love I'm happy and confident. When I'm wanting someone that I love and can't have and be with, I'm REALLY not confident." so, that is where i am right now. unable to discuss new information, new feelings about new things and so forth...stirs insecurity in me that normally is not there. i am trying my best to talk myself out of it. it's easier said than done, though.

you know what? being depressed is depressing. i am going to focus on the positives and remind myself what is true right now. i am going to stop questioning things that happened a couple months ago, because they are in the past and i can't discuss those things with my friend right now, anyway. these lowly feelings are futile. my mom believes my worries and doubts are going to ruin any bright future i might have. i don't want to do that. there is an amazing, handsome, wonderful, wise, beautiful soul that waits in the wings for this tired mother of three. i don't understand it, but i do believe in it. i suppose i have felt like this is all too good to be true...but then, that's just the little devil on my shoulder, whispering in my ear. time to flick him off, put my hands on my hips and say, "ptthhhhh!!"

rain on my frustration

perfect.

went to bed late.
jenna was up all night.
when she finally fell asleep in the late 4 o'clock hour, i was a restless insomniac.
laid there, nauseous and exhausted...head pounding so badly i thought i also had an ear infection. migraine medicine did zilch for my pain.
fell asleep right as my alarm went off...
watching children on zero sleep is very, very bad.
had to drive all the way to campus just to turn in a piece of paper.
so tired, not paying attention to my speed...got pulled over.
cop didn't seem to care that i looked like hell and was bawling.
got my very first speeding ticket.
it will take an entire paycheck to pay it.

it's dark and cloudy today. wish some money would rain down...

that would be nice.

midnight

as usual...up way too late. i am such a night person!! i thrive on the night life, baby!!

i just got off the phone with my bro. he is a super-cool designer from san fran who is sweet on the turn tables. i have always looked up to him and thought he was just awesome. i am really sensitive when it comes to him. we don't keep in touch very often. honestly, it seems like we talk maybe once or twice a year! that is sad. i think we are both beginning to make more of an effort now, though. he called a while back and left me a message. i called him today but it just rang and rang. he called me back and we ended up talking for over an hour! in the past, i have felt uncomfortable talking to him. i guess i have always felt like he was soooo cool, that i was beneath him in the coolness department. LOL i was always afraid of saying or doing something lame, so i'd clam up or just not act like myself. that always annoyed me. anyway, tonight we just talked and talked about all kinds of things....his business (he's creative director of his own design company), having and raising children, books, sci fi stuff....he even asked about my friend. he said something like, "word on the street is you have a love interest." hehehe...not sure where he heard it, but that's fine by me. it was nice to tell him a little bit. i love talking about my friend whenever i get an opportunity.

speaking of my friend, i miss him terribly. it's incredibly difficult, not being able to communicate right now. still, i know it's the best thing we can do for "us" right now. and i get by just fine, knowing what is coming up (hopefully soon). thinking about the future gets me really fired up. i am soooo looking forward to so many things. and it's nice to feel good about those things because we are doing this the right way. i'm so happy. a bit lonely from missing him, sure. but i am happy.

anyway, it was so nice to have such a long talk with my brother. i still think he's super cool. i hope we continue to keep in touch. we are both adults now and i think we have more to talk about than we used to. even better, i don't feel as awkward and intimidated as i used to. sheesh, who wants to feel that way, with a family member?! i sure don't.

today has made me realize how much i have grown. it is so nice to change for the better, improve, learn, get outside my comfort zone. when i was on the phone with my brother, having this great conversation, i was so excited to realize i was comfortable and had some interesting things to say. how nice. that is just as it should be!

speaking of "shoulds" - i should be in bed!!!! it's LATE. i have one more long week ahead of me. it's the final week of kindergarten. after that, one of the little girls i watch will no longer be with us (because her mom is a teacher) and jessica will be home with us! yay, no more driving her to and from school. it's going to be interesting, having her back with us all day long. i am hopeful for a lot of wonderful things to happen this summer. *wink, wink*

fear, integrity & love

i just had to write a blog while my heart is this full. my "bucket" is perpetually overflowing with so many, many good thoughts and feelings.

my ward - is awesome. the thought of leaving is absolutely heart-breaking. i can't imagine feeling this warm, welcomed and loved any other place. this is, by far, the best ward i have ever been in. when i attend, it's like walking straight into the arms of family that loves me sincerely, genuinely, absolutely. i will do whatever i can to stay in this ward for as long as possible. still, i will go wherever the Lord would have me go. i will go wherever He has need of me.

i went to bed after midnight, and slept through the alarm on my cell phone. because of that, i missed the sacrament! that's not good - that's the main reason for going! i brought my scrumptious peanut butter cookies and added them to the mountain of goodies, which sat next to our relief society president. i was worried that there wouldn't be enough cookies, but there were tons! in fact, i saw some youth walking around the halls, eating these cookies. that's kind of annoying, since they were made for the fathers. i didn't spend my morning baking cookies for the youth! ah, well...there were so many cookies leftover that, much to their delight, the men received a second helping during priesthood. segue time!

why is it, that the men always get edible treats on father's day and the women always get some kind of plant? i've decided that the relief society is a sebaceous group, fattening up its men all the time. we sure love to bake and cook, don't we?!?

after cookies were passed out, i hung around, waiting for my bishop to become free. i can't tell you how awesome it felt, to give him the "thumbs up" - third sunday in a row!!! we are both very well pleased with things. i had asked him about remaining in the ward and also about getting a new patriarchal blessing. he had no definitive answers for me, so i will check back with him next week....after i give him a fourth thumbs up. yesssss!! i am beaming.

i was feeling uncomfortable, as i walked towards sunday school (now being held in the relief society room). perhaps i am so used to being with my children? i felt awkward, all by myself. i almost felt like i forgot how to socialize without children being part of the conversation. people were chatting it up, all around me. i was quiet and reserved. hmm....why? i sat down next to my beloved friend, who always holds jenna for me (and puts her to sleep, in the process). she put her arm around me, and that was ALL i needed to let go. release the floodgates! she knew exactly what it was, and so she said, "let's take a walk." she put her arm around me and we left the room. it was so nice to talk to somebody about things. i told her about my weekend, my feelings about father's day, my concerns for my children...basically everything that was on my mind. she was a good listener and shared valuable thoughts and advice as well. i love her! i told her about possibly moving. before i could say much about my friend, she already knew. she has this amazing way of picking up on things without words being exchanged. like everyone else, she was happy for me and pleased that i am doing things the right way. she had a few questions - i answered them. she was satisfied with the answers, and once again, embraced me and gave reassuring and comforting words. then, we returned to class.

feeling much better, i was able to focus on the remainder of the lesson. it was really good. the lesson being taught and the comments being made, always seem to be tailor-made for me and my life. i love that!

in relief society, i was asked to give a prayer...either opening or closing. i froze in fear. this is something i have always, always struggled with. i am not sure why i have this fear, but i do. perhaps i compare myself to those who say beautiful, long, eloquent prayers. mine are simple and i suppose i feel badly about that. i am nervous that i will misuse a word and sound like an idiot. i know, it shouldn't matter...but i care. my friend gives the most beautiful prayers. he'd like me to offer the prayer when i am with him, but i feel like my abilities to do so are so far beneath him. as i write this, that just sounds awful. that's how i feel, though.

anyway, i tend to decline, when asked to give the prayer. i also decline giving talks. i really hate how this fear rules me. so...i agreed to give the opening prayer. i figured i could just get it over with. eeek! as soon as i agreed, my heart began to race. but first - the opening song! oh, man...that was the longest opening song E-V-E-R. with each word that was sung, we were closer to the end, and closer to the prayer i'd have to give. ahhhh!! i began to regret saying "yes." this probably sounds ridiculous to some people...but when you have a fear like this, as i do....it is AWFUL. well, the song ended and i stood up and gave the opening prayer. and then it was over. i sat down. my heart felt like it was going to shoot out of my chest! but i smiled, and felt relieved. i also felt a great sense of accomplishment. i am going to say yes, from now on. i am going to face my fears. if i never face them, how will i ever get over them??

the lesson in relief society was soooo wonderful. my friend (who always holds jenna) taught it. she is by FAR the best relief society teacher i have ever had. she is eloquent and has this amazing ability of making the lesson come alive. she can take any topic and make anyone interested in it. she captivates us and i always get so much out of it. the lesson was on personal integrity. she opened by talking about spring cleaning. we might have junk in our closets, cobwebs in dark corners. if company comes, and we are not prepared, we might sweep things under the rug. she compared this to our integrity. what things do we have hidden away, deep inside? what areas in our lives do we need to pay attention to, and "spring clean?" we might be able to fool some people, but we know the choices we make. we have to live with ourselves.

integrity is what you do...when no one is watching. if we look at our hands, and imagine they are the savior's hands...what would those hands be doing? what would our feet be doing, if they were the Savior's feet? would our feet be walking into the store on sunday? would our hands be hitting a child? would our eyes be looking at pornography? would our ears be listening to innapropriate music? when we stand before Him, all those things that were hidden away or swept under a rug, will be laid out before us. we will not be able to hide. this is why we need to continually work on our personal integrity. if we "spring cleaning" on a daily basis, there will be no filth (whether great OR small) to worry about. the Lord looks upon sin - filth - with NO degree of allowance. so, people...let's do our spring cleaning - all year 'round!

since i missed sacrament, i stayed another hour and enjoyed the next ward's sacrament meeting. my friend is in that ward, so i sat with her. it was nice...and i am really glad i stayed. it feels really good to partake of the sacrament.

i decided to drive home on beautiful dash point road. my heart was bursting with so many things....truth, joy, peace, love... ah, love. there is much i want to say on that matter, but i will save that for my private blog. *smile*

i soooo deserve this!!!

TGIF, BABY!!!!

i dropped my childcare children off and dropped my own children off at their dad's work - and then...i was alone!!! yessss.... okay, so i DO miss my beautiful babies. i know, i know...i am always desperate for some alone time, but when i finally get it, i miss them! hey, i'm a mom - what can i say?

normally my children are just with their dad every other weekend from friday evening to saturday night...but since this weekend is father's day, he'll have them sunday, too! i always want them in church with me on sundays...but holidays are an exception.

so...i have ALL this TIME to myself!!! oh my la la's!! i have nothing planned. yep, nada! i'm gonna SLEEP when i want, i'm gonna watch movies without interruption, i'm gonna read a book if i want to, heck - i can go take a leisurely walk all by myself. oh, the freeeeeeedom!!

okay, i have to admit, i was bummed on the way home. i felt some pangs of lonliness. i was already missing my children, and no one was available to talk to me or hang out with me! my other divorcing friend is now divorced and has a date lined up. sheesh! luckily, my best gal pal answered her phone and we chatted for a bit as i drove in friday night traffic. but she was going camping and lives in another state anyway.

most of all, i've been missing my best friend and soooo wish i could spend this long weekend with him. now is not the right time. but, oh...how i wish it was. lots of daydreaming this evening...LOTS!

tonight, i got myself a little pizza, a rockstar guava and tons of sugary treats! oh, yeahhh!! AND, i treated myself to some chocolate almond rugalah - oh my gawwwww, MMmmmm... those are so freakin' DIVINE! yeah, i'm hooked. the whole thing WILL be gone tonight. hey, if you love me and ever want to get me something yummy...get me some chocolate rugalah. no raisins, please.

so, i've dragged my massive comfy chair right in front of the tv, along with the ottoman. my food is spread out before me and the surround sound is cranked because i have a couple movies to watch: ghost rider and the producers. i'm lighting candles all around me (i love mood lighting - i don't care if i am alone!)...and i'm wearing comfy pajamas and these REALLY fluffy pink socks that a wonderful person gave to me.

this night is gonna rock!!

after i eat, i'll probably give myself a mani/pedi....wax my brows, do a face mask...you know, all the girly stuff. i love being girly. well...enough of this blogging - i have a FUN night ahead of me!!!

GENTLE men

After dropping Jessica off at kindergarten this morning, I was listening to my Natasha Bedingfield cd - the one my brother burned for me a while back. I was paying particular attention to the lyrics...something i don't always do...

Now it's nearly 7:30,
I'm slipping on a dress
I keep my fingers crossed, you're not like all the rest,
So when you come to pick me up come right to my door
Don't stay in your car and beep beep the horn

Baby I'm a hopeless romantic
You pick the sounds for the background to our drive into town
Baby don't be one of the traffic
Had too many nights with the wrong guys
Caught me at red lights

Tell me how many frogs do I have to kiss
Before I find my prince, before I find my prince
All you girls that are going through this
Tell 'em how it is, tell 'em how it is

Pull up to a premire, red carpet good
You take my coat, get my chair, like I hoped you would
You're funny and your flirting is really working for me
But where it goes from here
Better wait and see

Baby I'm a hopeless romantic
You pick the view to kiss to
Make me go ooo ooo...

As I listened to this song, my mind wandered to a time when a door was opened for me, by a wonderful gentleman. I wasn't used to this kind of treatment. It was uncomfortable, to be quite honest. I felt awkward, sitting there, as he walked around to open my door. At the same time, it was refreshing and thrilling. How nice....chivalry is NOT dead. I told him how I felt about car doors being opened for me. Since I hadn't really experienced it, I felt like I should be opening my own door. I didn't know how to "sit and take it like a lady." *smile* Then I realized...I haven't been TREATED like a lady in a long, long time. Wow, what a tragic realization. Every woman should be treated with respect by a good man...a GENTLE man. So many women put up with poor treatment, or at least LACK OF good treatment...men too, let's not forget them. If people were more old-fashioned, perhaps relationships would do a lot better. The women's movement has done a lot of good...but I also feel it's done a great deal of damage. Too many women working when they shouldn't be, too many women trying to be like men! Too many women are opening their own doors and paying for their own meals on dates. To me (a very old-fashioned person), that's messed up.

As I listened to this Frogs & Princes song by Natasha Bedingfield, my mind wandered to the idea of courting. I posted about this before. If people would court, rather than date casually...how much better the results would be! I think there would be much less heartache and confusion. Relationships between people should mean more than flings and "hanging out." Don't we marry who we date? So why would we date people we'd never, in a million years, marry? Just for fun? Me, I'd rather have that FUN with a man I could see spending the rest of my life with.
Gentlemen...are they rare? It seems like they are. Is chivalry dead? I think it is, to a lot of people. But it won't be dead for me! So....I change my mind. Yes, I would like my car door to be opened, please. It was wonderful. It was so unexpected. I do want to be treated like a lady for the rest of forever...

The song ended on my cd and we arrived home. I unbuckled the children from their carseats and James immediately hopped down from his spot and cut in front of McKenna. I stopped him....

"James, what is a gentleman?"
"A gennel-men iss NICE!"
"That's right, James! A gentleman is NICE. Ladies first, okay?"

James hopped back onto his seat and let McKenna pass. He was beaming, with pride. I am raising the next generation. I will raise a gentleman!

a fly went by...

i have been chasing a fly around my apartment for the past half hour. i swear, this thing either has an extreme case of adhd or it's high on something. perhaps it's the latter, because it happened to fly up from my downstairs neighbor's place and breezed right on through my door, just as we were heading out this evening. now, when i say "neighbor" i don't mean the sweet old lady who lives below me. i am talking about the hoodlums diagonal of me. they are always lighting something up, down there. anyway, i digress. so - i saw this fly (which is the size of texas, by the way) fly into my apartment just as the door closed behind me. grrrrreat. i big part of me wanted to open the door back up and go kill it immediately. flies are gross. they are nasty, dirty and annoying. ugh, as i type this, the darn thing is zipping about and giving me the heebie jeebies. yes, i said heebie jeebies. what are you going to do about it?

i need to buy a fly swatter. as the fly flew past me for the hundredth time, i grabbed the first available swatting device...my daughter's plastic homework folder, rolled up tight. that didn't fare too well. i tell ya, this thing is just too dang fast. to the fly, i probably look like those guys in the matrix....you know, doing the slo-mo thang. nice.

just the sound of this big, fat, dirty fly is giving me goosebumps. yes, goosebumps the size of TEXAS. that's right, folks. i'll be here all night...

twentyfourseven

have you ever felt like you were being watched? i have. in fact, i am being watched right this very moment. hello. hello, little girl....laying her head down on my lap, as i type this...

i am a mother. there is nothing i can do alone. even if i have to pee, they all follow me like my sweet little shadows. so i sit here, typing this blog with one hand, as i run my fingertips through my baby girl's golden curls. at 14 months, she's finally sprouting hair. that's my girl...

i can hear my older daughter, coughing in the next room. she's had a nasty cough for about a week now, poor thing. she is mommy's little helper. at six, she is wise beyond her years and always willing to lend a helping hand (or foot, if the door is closing and she wants to stop it for me). she is a chatterbox, and often drives me bonkers when i am desperate for some silence. and yet, when they are gone....i miss them so much. the silence screams at me, and i want them back. i finally attain calm and i want the chaos to return....go figure.

my boy is two and a half. he's my little sweetheart. he's always ready with a cheesy grin and a tight hug, delivered full speed ahead like a football player. he's my goofy, mischievous little man with blue eyes, wide-eyed, as he stands in front of me, naked, claiming not to know who threw his wet diaper on top of the television set.

i am honored to hold the most difficult job in existence: "stay-at-home" mommy. my hours are long. i do not get to take breaks at a specific time. when i do get a "break," it usually involves laying on the couch for a whopping two minutes, with my eyes closed...until my baby girl moseys on over and whacks me in the face with a hammer from my son's plastic toolbox. "uh-ohhhh.." she giggles, as i groan and rub my forehead.

those who know me, know i'm a neat freak at heart. i love to be organized and dream of making my home look like it's straight out of a catalog. that dream used to be a reality. nowadays, my fridge is covered in children's artwork, the floor is always sprinkled with toys, i can barely keep up with the dishes, and my gorgeous bedding is covered in piles of folded laundry, ready to be put away whenever i find the chance to do so.

life is incredibly difficult, as a divorcing mother of three. but..i love my job. i love my children. i have been blessed beyond measure. i thank God for my life.