perfect fit

you know those jeans that look great on the rack, but then you try them on, and they are nothing like you hoped they'd be? yeah. i've had those jeans before. i picked a tall pair of jeans that seemed to scream, "wear me! i will look FABulous on you!" i showed the jeans to my friends and they agreed it looked like a really nice pair. some of my friends were skeptical about these jeans and thought they might not fit me, but i didn't care! my mind was made up - i was going to buy them!! wait a sec....just BUY them? wasn't i going to try them on first?? nope! i was sooooo smart. i felt like i had some experience in this area and knew they'd fit, just by looking at them. i was convinced they'd "make me happy."

so i brought the jeans home. turns out, they didn't compliment my figure at all. some people thought the jeans looked great on me, some didn't. since i already bought them, i decided to make the most of it. i looked for the good in them and ignored the bad stuff. sure, they were uncomfortable...but the color was nice. sure, i had to keep adjusting myself when i wore them...but the style was "in."

i owned these jeans for many years. i continued to wear them through weight gain and weight loss. i wore them through pregnancies. i continued to wear them, even when they became stained and torn. i held onto this pair of jeans and convinced myself that these painful jeans were, indeed, what i wanted. i told myself that i would never find any better pair - and besides, i made the choice to purchase them...and i stick to my committments.

well, the jeans continued to tear and more stains appeared. i tried to mend them and tried to get the stains out, but it just wasn't working. i was so frustrated. i even tried to lose weight, hoping that would make things more comfortable. finally, it got to the point where i realized it just wasn't working anymore. the jeans had run their course. every time i put them on, they seemed to reject me. and so, i released my jeans back into the world. perhaps someone else would find these jeans and they'd fit. they certainly did not fit me.

at first, it was really difficult without my jeans. they were so old and familiar to me. i sincerely believed there'd never be another pair for me. i couldn't imagine finding anything better than what i had had. after all i had spent on mending and cleaning those jeans, i was broke. i had nothing left to give. i was in no position to look for new jeans...and even if i was, i was too exhausted.

some time passed, and i was surprised to find that life was better without my old jeans! during that time, i was able to reflect on why those old jeans did not work out. i also thought a lot about the kind of jeans i would like to have one day....the kind that would last a very, very long time.

in the meantime, i wore shorts and skirts because they were comforting during this difficult, uncomfortable season. well, one day a pair of jeans caught my eye. i wasn't even looking for jeans...but there was something about this particular pair. i wasn't ready to commit to a new pair of jeans, and to be honest, did not have the money. they weren't the flashy style i was accustomed to, but something about them drew me right in. i ran my fingers against the fabric. they felt really nice. i walked around the rack a couple times and returned to the jeans and checked the price tag. hmm...it was reasonably priced! best of all, was the brand name. i knew that these jeans would last a very, very long time. unlike my old jeans, i knew i could count on this new pair. it would resist stains and would not tear easily, like my old pair.

i left the clothing section and walked around, pondering these new jeans. as i walked, thoughts of my old jeans kept popping up. no...i wasn't ready to buy new jeans yet. i was still holding on to the memories of my old pair, even though they had done me wrong. i knew my old jeans had been a nuisance...so why did i care so much?! i think they had just grown so familiar that i looked past the fact that they hurt me, were worldly and just...didn't fit me as well as i'd hoped.

i didn't buy the jeans that day, but i would visit them every now and then. they started to become familiar to me. they were not my usual style, but that began to appeal to me as well. still, they didn't look like they'd fit me. but i couldn't shake the fact that there was something about them...

the day finally came when i went to the store and tried them on. i was pleasantly surprised to discover - they fit perfectly. it was as if they had been made just for me. i no longer questioned the different style...i loved them just as they were. these new jeans were so incredibly comfortable, highly unique and of great quality. it made sense to have them, but aside from it being a smart choice, it was also what my heart wanted.

i had forgotten my purse, so i rushed home to get money. unfortunately, i became distracted. when i finally got back on track, the store was closed. first thing the next morning, i got up early and drove to the store. i was eager, excited, thrilled beyond words! i was the very first customer there, when the store finally opened. but...my heart sank, when i approached the rack and saw the jeans were not there anymore. i panicked! i looked everywhere and even had the store workers help. turned out i was too late...someone had purchased them the night before. ohhh, WHY did i wait so long?!? the problem was, i had needed all that time. i needed the time to familiarize myself with the jeans and figure out what i really wanted. i wanted them - but now they were gone forever. or, so i thought...

now, you'd think i'd never see those jeans ever again, right? well, amazingly, i found them! they were being resold, now at a much greater price. i was more than willing to pay it! unfortunately, someone else wanted the jeans, too. there was a bidding war...and i won. i won!!

these wonderful jeans are now mine. i am so proud of them. i never, in a million years, thought it would be possible to find jeans such as these....that don't just have some or most of the qualities i desire...but ALL of them. they are nothing like the jeans i used to wear. they are modest in style and cut. they are not cheaply made...but are made out of the finest material. there is a great attention to detail that you just don't find in most jeans these days. they are strong and sturdy and i know they will last forever. when i first tried them on, i really didn't think they were going to fit me, but they do. oh, how they do...

they are the perfect fit.

today!

my oldest graduated from kindergarten today!! *sigh* i can't believe she'll be in first grade, this fall. wow. where do the years go? a good friend watched the kids for me so i could attend the party/ceremony in her classroom. the kids sang some songs, her teacher talked about the past year and even showed a beautiful slide show, set to the song: "i hope you dance." i said loudly, "are you TRYING to make us cry?!" haha..

it's hard to believe her kindergarten year is already over. i have many more first and last days of school ahead of me. james and jenna haven't even hit preschool age yet. and i am sure i will have more children...at least one more! i've been baby hungry lately...but that's another blog...

my sweet downstairs neighbor took some pictures for us, and then we changed clothes and went to the park. there were lots of people there, today! it was soooo warm - jessica was complaining about the heat just minutes after we arrived. i tried to get her to keep drinking water. after some fun play time, we took a long stroll, back to the vehicle (which i had parked along the road because the parking lot was FULL).

there were some upsetting moments today, due to "alien" (that's what i call my soon-to-be-ex)...but other than those times, it was a good day. we returned home from the park and hung out for a while, then i changed back into my other clothes and we went to costco. why, you ask?? to pick up our pizza and berry sundaes, of course!! friday nights are pizza/movie night at our place...but when the kids are with their dad, we move it to thursday. so, we brought the food home and watched "watcher in the woods." it's a freaky disney movie from back in the day. jessica insisted, and didn't think it was too scary. well, we'll see if she wakes up in the middle of the night and comes to my door...

catching up

i'm sitting here, eating the bing cherries my lovely downstairs neighbor gave me. mmm, mmm gooood. the apartment was pretty warm today. i have a fan blowing but it doesn't cool things down much. these cherries are the perfect cool, summer treat. in fact, i might as well make them my dinner. i don't feel like making anything - it's my night "off" (well, for an hour and a half, anyway). i have a gift card for red robin, but i want to save that for an extra special day. bing cherries, plain yogurt and a slice of homemade wheat bread. perfect.

i've taken tons of pictures lately, so i figured i'd post them the easiest way i know how: rockyou! i love that place. so...these first photos are from yesterday (my horrible, no-good, very bad day). of course, you can't tell that, from the pictures. good! a brief summary for ya: jasmine had a rough morning, so (after dropping jessica off at school), i took the kiddos to the park. i'd never been to this one before. it's nice! it's really close to my best friend's new casa. jasmine was much happier, just being outside to play. i think they all were. it made me feel badly for staying in the apartment all the time. it didn't take long for me to remember WHY we are always indoors - it's much easier! i tell ya, being at the park with two two year olds and two 15 month olds is EXHAUSTING (to say the very, very least). still, it was so worth it. i got a great work out and they had a ball. i can't believe i did that for a full hour. yes, a FULL hour!! *phew!* they were happy, so i was happy. it definitely was more exciting than being at home. later that night, i put jessica's pink camo tent up in their room and they camped out. jenna wasn't too thrilled about laying in there with them - not even for a quick snapshot. oh well....the kids went to bed all giggly and giddy over the fun camping adventure in their room, and jenna and i left to hang out in the living room. what a DAY, that was!!

today went much better than yesterday. MUUUCH better. jasmine did great this morning, and after dropping jessica off at school, i ran some errands. after that, i was heading home...but it was such a gorgeous day that i turned around and took the kids to the park again! yeah! I KNOW! i took them to a nearby park, across the street from an elementary school. when they saw the park come into view, they all squealed with delight. soooo funny. we didn't stay a full hour, but pretty darn close to that! i didn't have my camera on me this time, but i figured we took enough park pictures the day before. today was our final day with mckenna, until school starts up again in the fall. we'll miss her! it was an extra fun day today, with the children. anyway, about the photos... it begins with me waking up after having barely any sleep (yet again). i still believe that i am the kind of person that NEEDS makeup - i think i look tons better with the stuff on. i'd love to be one of those girls that rolls out of bed looking naturally beautiful...but i'm not. let's face the facts, people! so anyway, there was a point during the afternoon that only my children were up - all three of them! they were all sitting at the table, doing something. it was sweet. jenna was magna-doodling (more like magna-drooling), james was fishing with his magnetic puzzle, and jessica was using her hair-beader. she tried to put beads in my hair, but after seeing the big tangly mess she made of her own hair, i declined. LOL... after parents came and picked their little ones up, we got camera happy and just hung out being silly and enjoying one another until their dad came to pick them up. we were having a blast until i realized there was still a huge mess of toys in the sunroom - so mean mommy made everyone clean up. jessica thought it was funny to snap pictures as i ordered everyone around. hey, i'm not that bad...i helped them clean up. i try to make it fun by singing "clean up" songs. sometimes i even make up my own words: "everybody clean up cuz if you don't then mama's gonna sit on you and you're not gonna like that because i'm a lot heavier than youuuuu..." guess you had to be there. it was a lovely tune.



so, that's that. i have one hour til the kids are back. what to do...what to do... i'd tell you what i wish i was doing but then...no, no i wouldn't tell you. ha!

i'm a what???

i was about to title this blog, "i'm a schmuck" until i learned what "schmuck" actually is. heh...oops. so, instead, i'll just call myself an idiot. that'll suit me just fine, right now.

i really hate insecurity. more specifically, i despise being insecure. [note: i can already tell this blog is going to take forever to write, with the way this morning is going]

sure, enough...it's two and a half hours later and i am just now continuing this blog. it's been a busy morning. i made a big breakfast for the kids: scrambled eggs with cheese, pancakes, tator tots and fresh-squeezed orange juice. i realize i can easily make cereal, but sometimes it's nice to do something special and out-of-the-ordinary. normally, i save the big breakfasts for the weekend, when things aren't *as* crazy. besides, it's mckenna's last day with us, until school starts up again, in the fall. it's been such a pleasure having her, and i am so grateful for the job. sure, it's been difficult, but i feel very blessed to have had the opportunity!

so, back to the blog topic. i am lame - i admit it. i have this amazing prospect up ahead and i feel as if i am sabotaging it. do i feel unworthy of this chance? i am not sure. last night i was having one massive pity party. i rarely go there...but yesterday was especially difficult, for a variety of reasons. i haven't crashed into "wallowland" for quite some time - not like last night. for the friend i love, i saw a road which forked in the middle. one path led to freedom, security, adventure, mystery. it was paved with money and dipped down into a beautiful valley with lush gardens and trees. the other road was rough, embedded with rocks. it was not an easy path to take, as it revealed another hill at every turn. there were dips in the road, now and then..sometimes with a brook to stop and take a refreshing drink at...but this was not an easy road. i am being vague and strange right now, for a reason. good thing i at least know what i am talking about. *smile* last night, after putting my precious little ones to bed, i sat on my couch and thought this over. i feel like the more difficult choice, and i wondered to myself, "who, in their right mind, would choose this? and why??"

i wallowed. i threw myself a pity party. i am really good at making myself depressed, if i allow it. that's just the thing, i knew exactly what i was doing, and yet i continued doing it. why, do i do that to myself? i found myself analyzing every little thing - over-analyzing, i should say. i began creating red flags where there probably *are* no red flags! still, i couldn't see past the dates and things that were said and done on those dates. on top of being in agony over that, i was putting myself down quite a bit - comparing myself, which is never a good idea. everyone has their strengths and weaknesses. everyone has their great qualities, and everyone has poor qualities, too. of course, when comparing, we tend to only compare our worst to someone else's best (what we perceive to be someone else's best). good thing i am able to acknowledge all this, otherwise i'd probably never crawl my way out of the hole i dug for myself.

i spoke to my mom last night, just before going to bed. once again, i went to bed wayyy too late. however, i know myself well enough to know i wouldn't be able to sleep with all that was on my mind. i also can't sleep when i am feeling that low. talking to my mom helped. she reminded me the source of my negativity. when she told me to just put my hands on my hips and go, "pthhh!!" to that source (yeah, she really did go, "pthhh!" into the phone), i laughed so hard. it was hilarious. laughter always helps me transition into a better place. i appreciated her advice and her humor. feeling better, i hung up with my mom and treated myself to a long, hot shower. i brought my stereo in (not IN the shower, don't worry), and played a particular jem song, over and over again. then i went to bed.

this morning, i got an upsetting call from my mom. my friend had copied my blog and shared it with her. i wasn't too thrilled about that. i love that they are communicating, but where is the line drawn? my mom was concerned that i was damaging my future by blogging. i didn't see the harm in venting last night, but i suppose, now, i do. the last thing i wanted to do was cause anyone to feel badly....especially someone i love and respect beyond measure. that pains me. this whole situation i'm in is extremely frustrating. the one person i desire most to communicate with, i can't. and when conflicts or questions arise while we aren't even able to discuss it, what are we to do?? i end up venting into a blog!

i don't know what to do with this new information i have. despite that, i still love my friend fervently and wait with highly impatient anticipation for that time when we are able to talk again. there is a lot to talk about. i detest my insecurities. these lowly feelings are only intensified by the bizarre cicumstances we find ourselves in. i feel exactly as my friend, who once wrote: "When I'm alone I'm lonely but confident. When I'm with someone that I love I'm happy and confident. When I'm wanting someone that I love and can't have and be with, I'm REALLY not confident." so, that is where i am right now. unable to discuss new information, new feelings about new things and so forth...stirs insecurity in me that normally is not there. i am trying my best to talk myself out of it. it's easier said than done, though.

you know what? being depressed is depressing. i am going to focus on the positives and remind myself what is true right now. i am going to stop questioning things that happened a couple months ago, because they are in the past and i can't discuss those things with my friend right now, anyway. these lowly feelings are futile. my mom believes my worries and doubts are going to ruin any bright future i might have. i don't want to do that. there is an amazing, handsome, wonderful, wise, beautiful soul that waits in the wings for this tired mother of three. i don't understand it, but i do believe in it. i suppose i have felt like this is all too good to be true...but then, that's just the little devil on my shoulder, whispering in my ear. time to flick him off, put my hands on my hips and say, "ptthhhhh!!"

rain on my frustration

perfect.

went to bed late.
jenna was up all night.
when she finally fell asleep in the late 4 o'clock hour, i was a restless insomniac.
laid there, nauseous and exhausted...head pounding so badly i thought i also had an ear infection. migraine medicine did zilch for my pain.
fell asleep right as my alarm went off...
watching children on zero sleep is very, very bad.
had to drive all the way to campus just to turn in a piece of paper.
so tired, not paying attention to my speed...got pulled over.
cop didn't seem to care that i looked like hell and was bawling.
got my very first speeding ticket.
it will take an entire paycheck to pay it.

it's dark and cloudy today. wish some money would rain down...

that would be nice.

midnight

as usual...up way too late. i am such a night person!! i thrive on the night life, baby!!

i just got off the phone with my bro. he is a super-cool designer from san fran who is sweet on the turn tables. i have always looked up to him and thought he was just awesome. i am really sensitive when it comes to him. we don't keep in touch very often. honestly, it seems like we talk maybe once or twice a year! that is sad. i think we are both beginning to make more of an effort now, though. he called a while back and left me a message. i called him today but it just rang and rang. he called me back and we ended up talking for over an hour! in the past, i have felt uncomfortable talking to him. i guess i have always felt like he was soooo cool, that i was beneath him in the coolness department. LOL i was always afraid of saying or doing something lame, so i'd clam up or just not act like myself. that always annoyed me. anyway, tonight we just talked and talked about all kinds of things....his business (he's creative director of his own design company), having and raising children, books, sci fi stuff....he even asked about my friend. he said something like, "word on the street is you have a love interest." hehehe...not sure where he heard it, but that's fine by me. it was nice to tell him a little bit. i love talking about my friend whenever i get an opportunity.

speaking of my friend, i miss him terribly. it's incredibly difficult, not being able to communicate right now. still, i know it's the best thing we can do for "us" right now. and i get by just fine, knowing what is coming up (hopefully soon). thinking about the future gets me really fired up. i am soooo looking forward to so many things. and it's nice to feel good about those things because we are doing this the right way. i'm so happy. a bit lonely from missing him, sure. but i am happy.

anyway, it was so nice to have such a long talk with my brother. i still think he's super cool. i hope we continue to keep in touch. we are both adults now and i think we have more to talk about than we used to. even better, i don't feel as awkward and intimidated as i used to. sheesh, who wants to feel that way, with a family member?! i sure don't.

today has made me realize how much i have grown. it is so nice to change for the better, improve, learn, get outside my comfort zone. when i was on the phone with my brother, having this great conversation, i was so excited to realize i was comfortable and had some interesting things to say. how nice. that is just as it should be!

speaking of "shoulds" - i should be in bed!!!! it's LATE. i have one more long week ahead of me. it's the final week of kindergarten. after that, one of the little girls i watch will no longer be with us (because her mom is a teacher) and jessica will be home with us! yay, no more driving her to and from school. it's going to be interesting, having her back with us all day long. i am hopeful for a lot of wonderful things to happen this summer. *wink, wink*

fear, integrity & love

i just had to write a blog while my heart is this full. my "bucket" is perpetually overflowing with so many, many good thoughts and feelings.

my ward - is awesome. the thought of leaving is absolutely heart-breaking. i can't imagine feeling this warm, welcomed and loved any other place. this is, by far, the best ward i have ever been in. when i attend, it's like walking straight into the arms of family that loves me sincerely, genuinely, absolutely. i will do whatever i can to stay in this ward for as long as possible. still, i will go wherever the Lord would have me go. i will go wherever He has need of me.

i went to bed after midnight, and slept through the alarm on my cell phone. because of that, i missed the sacrament! that's not good - that's the main reason for going! i brought my scrumptious peanut butter cookies and added them to the mountain of goodies, which sat next to our relief society president. i was worried that there wouldn't be enough cookies, but there were tons! in fact, i saw some youth walking around the halls, eating these cookies. that's kind of annoying, since they were made for the fathers. i didn't spend my morning baking cookies for the youth! ah, well...there were so many cookies leftover that, much to their delight, the men received a second helping during priesthood. segue time!

why is it, that the men always get edible treats on father's day and the women always get some kind of plant? i've decided that the relief society is a sebaceous group, fattening up its men all the time. we sure love to bake and cook, don't we?!?

after cookies were passed out, i hung around, waiting for my bishop to become free. i can't tell you how awesome it felt, to give him the "thumbs up" - third sunday in a row!!! we are both very well pleased with things. i had asked him about remaining in the ward and also about getting a new patriarchal blessing. he had no definitive answers for me, so i will check back with him next week....after i give him a fourth thumbs up. yesssss!! i am beaming.

i was feeling uncomfortable, as i walked towards sunday school (now being held in the relief society room). perhaps i am so used to being with my children? i felt awkward, all by myself. i almost felt like i forgot how to socialize without children being part of the conversation. people were chatting it up, all around me. i was quiet and reserved. hmm....why? i sat down next to my beloved friend, who always holds jenna for me (and puts her to sleep, in the process). she put her arm around me, and that was ALL i needed to let go. release the floodgates! she knew exactly what it was, and so she said, "let's take a walk." she put her arm around me and we left the room. it was so nice to talk to somebody about things. i told her about my weekend, my feelings about father's day, my concerns for my children...basically everything that was on my mind. she was a good listener and shared valuable thoughts and advice as well. i love her! i told her about possibly moving. before i could say much about my friend, she already knew. she has this amazing way of picking up on things without words being exchanged. like everyone else, she was happy for me and pleased that i am doing things the right way. she had a few questions - i answered them. she was satisfied with the answers, and once again, embraced me and gave reassuring and comforting words. then, we returned to class.

feeling much better, i was able to focus on the remainder of the lesson. it was really good. the lesson being taught and the comments being made, always seem to be tailor-made for me and my life. i love that!

in relief society, i was asked to give a prayer...either opening or closing. i froze in fear. this is something i have always, always struggled with. i am not sure why i have this fear, but i do. perhaps i compare myself to those who say beautiful, long, eloquent prayers. mine are simple and i suppose i feel badly about that. i am nervous that i will misuse a word and sound like an idiot. i know, it shouldn't matter...but i care. my friend gives the most beautiful prayers. he'd like me to offer the prayer when i am with him, but i feel like my abilities to do so are so far beneath him. as i write this, that just sounds awful. that's how i feel, though.

anyway, i tend to decline, when asked to give the prayer. i also decline giving talks. i really hate how this fear rules me. so...i agreed to give the opening prayer. i figured i could just get it over with. eeek! as soon as i agreed, my heart began to race. but first - the opening song! oh, man...that was the longest opening song E-V-E-R. with each word that was sung, we were closer to the end, and closer to the prayer i'd have to give. ahhhh!! i began to regret saying "yes." this probably sounds ridiculous to some people...but when you have a fear like this, as i do....it is AWFUL. well, the song ended and i stood up and gave the opening prayer. and then it was over. i sat down. my heart felt like it was going to shoot out of my chest! but i smiled, and felt relieved. i also felt a great sense of accomplishment. i am going to say yes, from now on. i am going to face my fears. if i never face them, how will i ever get over them??

the lesson in relief society was soooo wonderful. my friend (who always holds jenna) taught it. she is by FAR the best relief society teacher i have ever had. she is eloquent and has this amazing ability of making the lesson come alive. she can take any topic and make anyone interested in it. she captivates us and i always get so much out of it. the lesson was on personal integrity. she opened by talking about spring cleaning. we might have junk in our closets, cobwebs in dark corners. if company comes, and we are not prepared, we might sweep things under the rug. she compared this to our integrity. what things do we have hidden away, deep inside? what areas in our lives do we need to pay attention to, and "spring clean?" we might be able to fool some people, but we know the choices we make. we have to live with ourselves.

integrity is what you do...when no one is watching. if we look at our hands, and imagine they are the savior's hands...what would those hands be doing? what would our feet be doing, if they were the Savior's feet? would our feet be walking into the store on sunday? would our hands be hitting a child? would our eyes be looking at pornography? would our ears be listening to innapropriate music? when we stand before Him, all those things that were hidden away or swept under a rug, will be laid out before us. we will not be able to hide. this is why we need to continually work on our personal integrity. if we "spring cleaning" on a daily basis, there will be no filth (whether great OR small) to worry about. the Lord looks upon sin - filth - with NO degree of allowance. so, people...let's do our spring cleaning - all year 'round!

since i missed sacrament, i stayed another hour and enjoyed the next ward's sacrament meeting. my friend is in that ward, so i sat with her. it was nice...and i am really glad i stayed. it feels really good to partake of the sacrament.

i decided to drive home on beautiful dash point road. my heart was bursting with so many things....truth, joy, peace, love... ah, love. there is much i want to say on that matter, but i will save that for my private blog. *smile*