decisions, decisions....

the kids are gone this weekend. jim is (hallelujah!!) not on-call. i have wanted to paint the living/dining rooms for the longest time. do we paint, or take advantage of the weekend alone and go do something (with jackson in tow, of course)?? and if we don't paint and we decide to go somewhere....where should we go??

or should we stay and paint?

ugh.

what to do....

sweet links!!!

here are a couple AWESOME links that put a smile on my face and made my day. i just LOVE feel-good stuff like this...

do the "do-re-mi!!" (how cool would it have been, to be there when this happened?!?)

talent shocker (i love when people prove others wrong!!)

and it just gets weirder.

my life has felt surreal for a few years now: an unexpected pregnancy (jenna), a devastating (and also unexpected) divorce, a taste of single motherhood, a remarriage and an instant family, and a new pregnancy (due any day now). i have never been very good with change. much of the time, it's difficult for me unless i planned the change myself. as soon as something changes, my life course is altered - whether greatly or slightly - and over time i make do, and adjust. pretty soon, i accept and get used to the changes. some things are harder to accept than others, though. for example, part of me is still reeling from the divorce. it happened a year and a half ago, but since i was married for almost a decade and never thought it would ever happen to me, i continue to adjust and have a difficult time with its ripple effect (affect? i can never get those straight).

this past weekend presented yet another ripple. my ex asked if we could switch weekends around, and then explained why he wants this. apparently, the man who left the Church and left me with three children is now dating an LDS mother of three. wow.

WOW.

naturally, this news shocked and confused me. i've been used to the idea of him dating and have even met a couple of the women he's seen. sure, it was weird to smile and shake hands with them, but these were single women without children who had a similar lifestyle as him (drinking, carefree fun, blah blah blah). so, to get the news that he is pursuing a relationship with someone who has a life much like the one he recently ran away from, it's disturbing to me. i had my "me" weekend all planned out, but then i got this strange, surprising news from him and it weighed so heavily on my mind, i found it difficult to fully enjoy myself.

my head was suddenly filled with all kinds of questions and concerns. apparently, this woman is trying to return to Church and is dating my ex, who has left the Church and now drinks with questionable people. this woman has children, and i don't know her story at all, but if her story is anything like mine, i am very worried about her. she's a single mom who has obviously been through something. knowing what i know about my ex husband, i am genuinely concerned that she is in for more rough waters. my ex would think my concerns are...well...NOT my concern. but how can i not wonder what this new relationship is going to mean for all parties involved? the most important, of course, being the children. so yeah, i am deeply concerned.

i have considered that my ex may one day change his ways and return to the gospel, which would be great! however, i have a hard time believing it's happening right now. if a young, single mom wants a gospel-centered life and she's dating a man who drinks socially, has a particular addiction, bad language and a short fuse, how can that possibly be a good thing?? what will happen to her goals, her success in life? i don't know who this woman is, but i'm really worried about her and her children. is that weird??

i keep thinking about a friend of mine, who is an LDS single mother. she is trying to be active in Church but makes the worst choices in men. i absolutely love my friend and wouldn't want her to ever date a man like my ex husband. in fact, when she's told me about similar guys she's been dating, i warn her and give her advice. sure, these guys are sweet on the surface. they have charm, charisma, a cool job, a fun personality....but what do these things really mean?? what is all that surface stuff going to do for a struggling single mother? just as i wanted stability and a help-meet with lasting qualities when i was on my own with three small children, i want the same for my friend. i want the same for this unknown woman who is dating my ex husband. i want the same for all women who've been in these shoes.

when i am presented with new information, my brain branches out in all directions. i think of the past and how damaging it was. i think of how past decisions have affected our present. and i think about what may happen in the future. obviously, if this woman is getting back into Church and my ex wants a "complete" relationship with her, they'd probably get married. that would be his third marriage and her - who knows?? the success rate goes down, down, down. my children would grow up knowing her and her children...and what if it didn't last? if this woman falls away from the Church again, like my ex, what will that do? these thoughts only scratch the surface of what's going on in my head. i really don't think my ex thinks of these things. he just sees something shiny and happily skips after it. he doesn't always consider the consequences and/or how it will affect others. i wonder if this woman, this mother of three, would be dating him, if she knew how he'd left another mother of three. i just don't get it. i wonder what her story is...

so my surreal life just got more surreal. what can i say?? it's a painful reminder of all that has transpired. it feels odd, unfair, confusing, questionable, upsetting.....weird. very weird.

can't sleep

1) i have insomnia. i'm WIDE awake and it totally bites.

2) i am still a newlywed, getting used to sleeping next to a new person.

3) jackson is moving around quite a bit

4) i'm hungry

5) i have a lot on my mind, mostly having to do with friendship. i wrote a blog about this but decided not to post it. just wishing i had a best friend nearby...

6) i'm nauseous

7) i'm catching up on people's blogs and realizing i haven't visited these blogs in quite a while. oopsie!

8) i know if i return to bed, i'm just going to lay there - wide awake. but now i am feeling too icky to sit here any longer....so i guess that's exactly what i'm gonna do.

My Jimmy...

stacy tagged me....so here we go!

Where we met: MySpace...kinda (it's complicated)
How long we dated before we got hitched: about 5 months
How long have we been married: 8 months....wow!
What's my fav feature about him: his eyes...especially when they are smoldering in my direction
What's my fav quality about him: his dedication....to me, to my children, to the Church, to his career, to his country. he's incredible.
What's his nickname for me: sweetheart or honey....or baby, or shmoopsie-poo or sweet cheeks... j/k
His fav color: cobalt blue
His fav food: pigs in a blanket (hot dogs wrapped in crescent rolls)
His fav sport: well, unless you call intricate computer code a sport...hehe. he isn't into sports (thank goodness), but i'll say paintball. is that considered a sport??
Who said the L word first: hard to recall. it's all a blur. i think it was him.
First kiss, when and where: also a blur. i should probably go over this important info with him to make sure we have our story straight. haha!
Fav couple thing to do: eat at qdoba, watch movies, play othello...
How many kids: 3 from my previous marriage and one on the way (his first!)
His hidden talent: juggling
His age: 35
His fav music: new age, instrumental kind of stuff. he enjoys manheim steamroller and yanni.
What I admire most about him: his choice to marry and provide for a woman with three children. i don't know of of many men that would not only do that, but genuinely LOVE the children, as he does mine. they call him daddy and he's an amazing father.
His fav pastime: talking to me, kickin' back with a good movie, working on the computer, playing video games
Will he read this: he's interested in me....so i will say yes. that, and he'll want to know what i am saying about him. :o)

I TAG MY GIRLS:
shallyn
karissa
shasta
keri
janae
brianne

sew what?

first off, i am feeling worlds better since that last post. thank you, to all my awesome friends and family for giving me giggles, hanging out with me, calling me on the horn and remembering me in your prayers!! life is definitely feeling more sunshiny.

fall is here!! i love, love, LOVE this time of year - colorful leaves crunching beneath my feet, the chill in the air, hot cocoa, cozy fires, pumpkins and spooky fun! i also tend to cook and bake a lot more in the fall...lots of comfort food and treats - yummers!! with all the coziness of home, it makes me want to SEW!!!

i haven't sewn anything in forever. i think my last major project was the brazilian flag quilt i made for my then-husband, when i was nine months pregnant with jenna! so it's been a good few years since i've done anything major. yikes.

i've been looking at different blogs and many quilts and fabrics are catching my eye. problem is, our 4th bedroom (the spare room) is a huge mess right now. i've given us a two week deadline to get that room in order. as soon as the room is ready, i'll be able to sew again! i feel like i've forgotten how to use my machine.

i'm not sure what to make first. i have some gift ideas for christmas, as well as ideas for myself. all i really know is that i see cute fabric and want to buy it, even though i may not have anything specific in mind for it. here are some examples of stuff that grabs my attention:

now that i think of it, i think i will get started on something familiar - raq quilts. i've made quite a few. i used to sell them on consignment at the country store i used to work at in rexburg, idaho. i kept a red and green christmasy one for myself, but i made it using homespun fabrics - not very cozy. i think i will make a date with myself (unless someone wants to join me?) to hunt for some cute, comfy fabrics for my next rag quilt...

lost and found

Perhaps it has something to do with being a busy stay-at-home mom, pregnant and wishing I had a best friend close by. Perhaps it's because I am still sick from this pregnancy and my days are somewhat of a dull blur. I've been feeling a bit lost and detached from the world. Today, I found this on a blog (thanks, Jillian!) and it was just what I needed today...

Desiderata
Max Ehrmann, 1927

Go placidly amid the noise and haste, and remember what peace there may be in silence. As far as possible, without surrender, be on good terms with all persons.

Speak your truth quietly and clearly; and listen to others, even the dull and ignorant, they too have their story.

Avoid loud and aggressive persons, they are vexations to the spirit.

If you compare yourself with others, you may become vain and bitter, for always there will in be greater and lesser persons than yourself.

Enjoy your achievements as well as your plans. Keep interested in your own career, however humble; it is a real possession in the changing fortunes of time. Exercise caution in your business affairs; for the world is full of trickery. But let this not blind you to what virtue there is; many persons strive for high ideals; and everywhere life is full of heroism.

Be yourself. Especially, do not feign affection. Neither be cynical about love, for in the face of all aridity and disenchantment it is perennial as the grass.

Take kindly to the counsel of the years, gracefully surrendering the things of youth. Nurture strength of spirit to shield you in sudden misfortune. But do not distress yourself with dark imaginings. Many fears are born of fatigue and loneliness.

Beyond a wholesome discipline, be gentle with yourself. You are a child of the universe, no less than the trees and the stars; you have a right to be here. And whether or not it is clear to you, no doubt the universe is unfolding as it should. Therefore be at peace with God, whatever you conceive Him to be, and whatever your labors and aspirations in the noisy confusion of life, keep peace with your soul. With all its shame, drudgery and broken dreams, it is still a beautiful world.

Be cheerful. Strive to be happy.
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So beautifully written. So many things to think about. Earlier today, I was also reading Dallin H. Oak's "The Challenge to Become." It's one of my favorite talks which I keep in a folder. It was in the November 2000 Ensign - which of course makes me think of my first child being born. Today, the talk was especially powerful to me. In it, he says:

"Most of us experience some measure of what the scriptures call “the furnace of affliction” (Isa. 48:10; 1 Ne. 20:10). Some are submerged in service to a disadvantaged family member. Others suffer the death of a loved one or the loss or postponement of a righteous goal like marriage or childbearing. Still others struggle with personal impairments or with feelings of rejection, inadequacy, or depression. Through the justice and mercy of a loving Father in Heaven, the refinement and sanctification possible through such experiences can help us achieve what God desires us to become."

Elder Oaks goes on to talk about the Parable of the Vineyard. I recently read this long chapter in my scriptures, and to be honest, was bored and had a difficult time with it (it was also bedtime and I was exhausted, so that surely contributed). After reading Elder Oak's words, I decided that the Lord must be requiring me to stay in the vineyard all day long. I always appreciate finding just what I am in need of, when feeling lost. As it talks about in the current book I am reading (The Book Thief), words are truly powerful. I am grateful for the power behind words that move me in the right direction.