and it just gets weirder.

my life has felt surreal for a few years now: an unexpected pregnancy (jenna), a devastating (and also unexpected) divorce, a taste of single motherhood, a remarriage and an instant family, and a new pregnancy (due any day now). i have never been very good with change. much of the time, it's difficult for me unless i planned the change myself. as soon as something changes, my life course is altered - whether greatly or slightly - and over time i make do, and adjust. pretty soon, i accept and get used to the changes. some things are harder to accept than others, though. for example, part of me is still reeling from the divorce. it happened a year and a half ago, but since i was married for almost a decade and never thought it would ever happen to me, i continue to adjust and have a difficult time with its ripple effect (affect? i can never get those straight).

this past weekend presented yet another ripple. my ex asked if we could switch weekends around, and then explained why he wants this. apparently, the man who left the Church and left me with three children is now dating an LDS mother of three. wow.

WOW.

naturally, this news shocked and confused me. i've been used to the idea of him dating and have even met a couple of the women he's seen. sure, it was weird to smile and shake hands with them, but these were single women without children who had a similar lifestyle as him (drinking, carefree fun, blah blah blah). so, to get the news that he is pursuing a relationship with someone who has a life much like the one he recently ran away from, it's disturbing to me. i had my "me" weekend all planned out, but then i got this strange, surprising news from him and it weighed so heavily on my mind, i found it difficult to fully enjoy myself.

my head was suddenly filled with all kinds of questions and concerns. apparently, this woman is trying to return to Church and is dating my ex, who has left the Church and now drinks with questionable people. this woman has children, and i don't know her story at all, but if her story is anything like mine, i am very worried about her. she's a single mom who has obviously been through something. knowing what i know about my ex husband, i am genuinely concerned that she is in for more rough waters. my ex would think my concerns are...well...NOT my concern. but how can i not wonder what this new relationship is going to mean for all parties involved? the most important, of course, being the children. so yeah, i am deeply concerned.

i have considered that my ex may one day change his ways and return to the gospel, which would be great! however, i have a hard time believing it's happening right now. if a young, single mom wants a gospel-centered life and she's dating a man who drinks socially, has a particular addiction, bad language and a short fuse, how can that possibly be a good thing?? what will happen to her goals, her success in life? i don't know who this woman is, but i'm really worried about her and her children. is that weird??

i keep thinking about a friend of mine, who is an LDS single mother. she is trying to be active in Church but makes the worst choices in men. i absolutely love my friend and wouldn't want her to ever date a man like my ex husband. in fact, when she's told me about similar guys she's been dating, i warn her and give her advice. sure, these guys are sweet on the surface. they have charm, charisma, a cool job, a fun personality....but what do these things really mean?? what is all that surface stuff going to do for a struggling single mother? just as i wanted stability and a help-meet with lasting qualities when i was on my own with three small children, i want the same for my friend. i want the same for this unknown woman who is dating my ex husband. i want the same for all women who've been in these shoes.

when i am presented with new information, my brain branches out in all directions. i think of the past and how damaging it was. i think of how past decisions have affected our present. and i think about what may happen in the future. obviously, if this woman is getting back into Church and my ex wants a "complete" relationship with her, they'd probably get married. that would be his third marriage and her - who knows?? the success rate goes down, down, down. my children would grow up knowing her and her children...and what if it didn't last? if this woman falls away from the Church again, like my ex, what will that do? these thoughts only scratch the surface of what's going on in my head. i really don't think my ex thinks of these things. he just sees something shiny and happily skips after it. he doesn't always consider the consequences and/or how it will affect others. i wonder if this woman, this mother of three, would be dating him, if she knew how he'd left another mother of three. i just don't get it. i wonder what her story is...

so my surreal life just got more surreal. what can i say?? it's a painful reminder of all that has transpired. it feels odd, unfair, confusing, questionable, upsetting.....weird. very weird.