lessons learned.

Don't be yourself - be someone a little nicer. ~Mignon McLaughlin

i posted this quote on facebook because i've been thinking a lot about it lately. with some recent drama in my life, it's been the perfect opportunity for personal inventory. i know i'm not horribly evil and i'm not a saint, either. i am somewhere in between. i'd like to think i'm closer to the good side, but i have my days...

in the distant past (and even the recent past), i have allowed my choices to be fueled by passion. the vehemency, the fervor of my feelings can get me in trouble. i might feel i'm in the pursuit of something noble, that i'm the injured party, or that i have some sort of mission to fulfill. i may feel totally justified. thing is, i am blinded by whatever emotions are ruling me at the time. rather than following the sage advice of "striking when the iron is cold," i tend to move with great force when the emotional tide pulls me. if i feel offended, i take action. if i feel wronged, i confront. if i am sad, i withdraw. and so on...

it's frustrating for me, to only see error in retrospect. i'm always striving to better myself from the inside out. here is a flaw i need to master. how do i initiate self control when i begin by feeling like i'm not doing anything wrong? in fact, i begin by feeling I AM RIGHT!! it is only after the fact - after the decisions have been made - do i see the damage that has been done.

i have a good heart. i am an extremely sensitive person. i want close relationships. i want people to do the right thing. i want the underdog to win. i want to feel good at the end of the day.

not too long ago, i was pushing for something that i believed was the right thing. i still do. however, i overlooked the agency of others. in the midst of the struggle, i realized i had to let it go because i am not in control, and that's okay. the underdog did not win that day, but i did what was right and that's all that matters. the world will not collapse if i don't have control over the situation!

in the end, i need to just keep reminding myself that all i can control is ME. i know very well that if a person wants to leave, they will leave. i learned this the hard way. if an opportunity arises for someone to make a positive impact in another person's life, and they do nothing....it is what it is. i can't judge them. i can't make them do the right thing.

but I can do the right thing.

so, in my journey of self-discovery, i've learned (and must continue to commit to learning) that everyone has their own life. everyone has their own lessons to learn. we color one another's lives with our choices, our actions, even our lack of action. the important thing is that as we go about making our decisions and reaching for our own goals...that we are kind along the way. that we are cogniscent of how our actions might impact another person's life.

this week, i will strive to be better than my natural self. i'll keep you posted. :o)

i. am. tired.

hello, tired. i'm sleepy. nice to meet you.

a bit of a conundrum... i can't sleep until my husband is ready for bed. i'm cursed with ridiculously light sleep and i am sure it annoys people. it certainly annoys me. if i go to sleep and then later he comes in to shower and pick his clothes out for the next day, i will wake up. if i wake up, it's nearly impossible to fall back asleep. it really bites.

to solve this (kinda), i stay up very late. i stay up and wait for him (well, i am also up chatting with a girlfriend and/or watching something like project runway or housewives of OC, but anyway, i digress...). i tend to stay up later than i normally would, because i'm waiting for him. if i wasn't waiting on him, i might do my thang, then hit the sack. but when i am done doing whatever, and i'm ready to go to bed and he's not....i stay up further. last night, for example, he was on-call (as he often tends to be). i had worked out earlier and was not ready to go to bed just yet. first, we had a heart-to-heart at the kitchen table about some stuff. i am so grateful to have a husband who is an excellent listener AND is full of sage advice and wise thoughts for me to ponder. afterwards, i went upstairs and watched a show i'd dvr'd (the tori spelling one - LOVE that show!). i went downstairs and checked on jim...still working. so i read my scriptures, i enjoyed a face mask. check on jim...still working. when he's working like that, he can't leave his laptop...not even to take a quick shower. so i went back upstairs and watched more dvr'd shows. by this time, i was exhausted. i went downstairs again and the poor man was still at it. i felt so bad for him, but at the same time - i need sleep!! so he suggested i just pick his clothes out for him and he'd shower in the kid's bathroom. so, i basically stayed up an extra two hours for nothing.

blahhhh.

so then, after a couple hours of sleep, jackson wakes up! he was NOT happy. i changed him, fed him, slathered him in creams and ointments (his skin has been bothering him)...he was inconsolable. ugh, awful night. after an hour, i took my exhausted self and my pissed off baby and woke jim up. he gave jackson a blessing. jackson continued to fuss and squirm and scream. i needed a break from jackson because of my agitated state....but then returned and jim went back to sleep. the screaming continued for the next hour and i was beside myself. i finally just had to close the door and return to bed. i could hear him screaming. soooo frustrating!! after what seemed like an eternity, he quieted.

and then i couldn't fall asleep.

arghh!!!!! and THEN, when i finally began to drift off...guess who woke up and started to scream again?!! i dragged my sorry self in there and picked him up. again, he wasn't comfortable. he was squirmy and fussy. after about 15 minutes of trying to rock him back to sleep, i gave up and placed him in his crib. i rubbed his back and walked out. he was still crying.

it's been ten minutes. he's asleep again. *sigh*

and i am wide awake, writing this blog. night's like these are why i need to go to bed much, MUCH earlier than i do.

light bulb moment

i've struggled on and off with a certain relationship, for quite a long time. sometimes i feel close to my friend, sometimes i feel like i'm in a galaxy far, far away from her. some days, i'll feel like her best friend, and other days i'll feel like she has completely forgotten that i exist. i've had to remind myself that this relationship will never be what i wish it would be. the reason for my misery? my own unmet expectations. and isn't that the way it is, with most anyone or anything? if we have expectations and those expectations are not met, we suffer inside. it's our very own self-created world of pain.

so the light bulb goes on.... don't have expectations!!

{okay, so i am bleeping this part out to explain myself. i wrote this about ME. it didn't come off that way. i think i am going to rewrite this after much thought....and make it more about what i intended, which would be my own sensitivities and how i cause disappointment in my own life for no one's fault other than my own. so, to be continued....in an entirely different way....}

killer husband.

my husband is a murderer.... and i couldn't be more proud!!

Giant House Spider (Tegenaria Gigantia)

too bad all the money we're spending on terminix doesn't phase these guys!

defying gravity.

this is my new phone:

my beloved pink phone died a couple weeks ago, so i was forced to replace it. i've never been great at change....but i needed something asap so i went with the gravity. it has a keypad which i thought i'd love but i find myself missing the old way. i am also missing the pink. the box it came in had the rebate ripped off so the guy gave me an instant rebate (i liked that). however, i think someone once owned this phone because an alarm was set on it (it went off at 3am...GRR!!) and there were some random photos of ladies on it, along with some weird ringtone that sounds like james brown everytime someone calls me. i haven't yet figured out how to get rid of that thing.



friends think i should get a new virgin phone. jim said i should just keep this one. but when i noticed a scratch in it, he said i should definitely take it back. but now that i've been loading up my phone book (which takes forever), i feel too lazy to go back and get it replaced. blah!

rough patch.

today was hard. emotionally. physically.

first, bizarre awkwardness. i won't go into details, but things seem to have changed in a relationship and i don't get it. maybe i am hyper-sensitive because things are different ever since having jackson. i don't have the same freedom to come and go as i used to, so my ability to be a friend has been replaced by others. i'm trying to remind myself that this is just a season in my life. true friendships will weather anything. it's extremely frustrating to put a certain amount of emotion, time and energy into a relationship, only for it to go nowhere...or be inconsistent. it's hard to put one's heart on the line, become totally vulnerable...only to feel disappointment and/or rejection. seems to be a recurring theme in my life and i don't know why. certainly doesn't get any easier though. hurts every time, because i put my whole self into it. i certainly do not want to become jaded. today i've decided to just focus on the relationships that are actually solid....going somewhere...dependable....not confusing....not painful. i admit, i'm sad. but i realize i have been sad on and off for a long time because of my own naive expectations. i can't make something what it clearly is not. i'm bummed. why is it that i have found best friends everywhere but here? i don't want surface friendships and i don't want yo-yo friendships. i've been yo-yo'd enough over the past few years. *sigh*

today i took the kids to a get-together even though i came down with mastitis. it was for them much more than it was for me, since i'd promised them we'd go but i wasn't feeling well. despite feeling absolutely horrible, i made a whole bunch of food this morning to take and share (why i kill myself like that, i will never know). i did my best to socialize through the waves of dizziness and nausea but that didn't go over so well. it's frustrating to not feel like oneself and feel awkward and lonely in a room filled with people. i stayed as long as possible, so my kids could play....otherwise i would have left much earlier. i have another "play date" tomorrow, with friends from my ward. i sure hope i'm feeling up to it because it sounds like it's going to be fun. and i never want to miss an opportunity to strengthen these friendships. still, it's close to midnight and i'm still feeling the pain and flu-like symptoms. hopefully i will wake feeling worlds better. *crossing fingers*

mastitis is hell. really. ever had it?? it's not fun. i made a last-minute appointment with my obgyn today because i knew i needed antibiotics. unfortunately, they wouldn't just do it over the phone. so i asked my sister if she could meet me there and watch my children in the waiting area. she did. i tell you, arriving at the doctor's office and seeing my sister waiting for me there was like getting a ray of sunshine. after my appointment, i was going to head home because i was getting worse. but my sister insisted i get the medicine, asap. she offered to go with me and i was so grateful. i couldn't have handled it on my own. we put the kids in the play area at the store and walked around together, waiting for the prescription to be ready. although i felt awful, we joked and laughed about random stuff. having a sister is a beautiful thing. as i told my sister today, it's like having a built-in best friend. i sure needed that today. she said she'd be my best friend substitute anytime.

back at home, i could feel myself withering away. the pain increased, my fever became worse, and i couldn't get myself off the couch. thank goodness for naptime. all three children slept as i laid there, feeling horrible and thinking about everything. jim came home early and took over. he's wonderful. i connected with friends as i laid there with my new cell phone. i am still trying to figure that thing out. i was texting back and forth with my BFF and when i tried to add a ringtone to her name, i ended up calling her. it was a pleasant accident...good to hear her voice. i also spoke with a good friend who (unfortunately) lives on the east coast. see, why are my peeps so far away?!? anyway...she just discovered she's having twins. i'm elated for her.

i wonder why some people need friendships and hobbies while others do just fine without them. i partly envy my mom because she never had the desire for girlfriends or "me time." her world was her six children, and my father. it was the same for my dad. they had each other and that was that. no wonder they worked out so beautifully.

i wish i didn't feel so restless.

decisions, decisions....

the kids are gone this weekend. jim is (hallelujah!!) not on-call. i have wanted to paint the living/dining rooms for the longest time. do we paint, or take advantage of the weekend alone and go do something (with jackson in tow, of course)?? and if we don't paint and we decide to go somewhere....where should we go??

or should we stay and paint?

ugh.

what to do....