service

i wrote this days ago and forgot to post it!

The scriptures read, “Therefore, O ye that embark in the service of God, see that ye serve him with all your heart, might, mind and strength, that ye may stand blameless before God at the last day (D & C 4:2).” To what extent do we serve – or not serve? All morning long, my mind has been swimming with thoughts about what service really means. As a divorcing mother of three who is going back to school and watching others’ children for additional income, I have struggled for quite some time in finding childcare when I have a medical or dental appointment, an appointment related to my divorce, or a scheduled trip for school. It is difficult enough finding care for my own three, but when you add one or two extra children that are not mine, it’s near impossible sometimes. Because of my overwhelming situation and struggles to find help, I turned to the Church’s compassionate service. When someone is in need, compassionate service steps in to lovingly assist.

I have been the beneficiary of much compassionate service over the past 18 months – ever since my third child was born, and the same time my husband announced he didn’t feel like being married anymore. Although it has been a lengthy amount of time, I still find myself in dire straights at times. Whenever possible, I have paid for babysitters. I have to admit, that although it can be difficult to pay for a sitter, it greatly eases my burden of guilt and stress. I have a difficult time seeking help, especially after all this time. It’s hard to ask for help when feeling as though everyone is sick and tired of my constant need.

Last year, when my situation was at its peak of raw pain and devastation, I leaned most heavily on my family. It was extremely draining on them, but as I gained more friends in the new area, I relied less and less on them. Still, I think that they had been so heavily burdened by me and my situation that any future plea for help – even when few and far between – was viewed as greatly burdensome, even annoying. They had maxed out, and I understood. It was difficult for me, because I am constantly told to turn to family first. These days, asking family is my last resort. I want to repair those maxed out relationships by leaving them alone!

Recently, things have been especially stressful. There were mediations for my divorce and several last-minute school trips scheduled that I had no control over. I began to crack under the pressure of it all, and so I turned to compassionate service when I was unable to find help on my own. With just a few phone calls, help was on the way, and I was able to make it to my crucial appointments. However, last week I was informed that I could no longer turn to compassionate service. When I learned this, I was humbled – and yet, I broke down sobbing. I felt I had the weight of the world on my shoulders, no one to turn to, and now – abandoned. It was a very lonely time for me.

My heart and mind are full this morning as I ponder the meaning of service. I have a school appointment scheduled today, and still have no one to help me. I tried everyone I could think of, and even turned to my last resort. My last resort was available, but turned me down because they were not comfortable watching other people’s children. Although I scheduled the appointment during naptime to make it easy, and although the child’s mother doesn’t mind if someone else steps in for me, it just wasn't going to happen. I was heart-broken by the news, and felt quite devastated. I quickly hung up, and broke into heaving sobs. If I can’t turn to my last resort, and no one else is available, where do I turn?

There is only one person who is physically able to help me today, and ironically, is the one person I am not supposed to be communicating with right now. He is my best friend, and through my mother, I learn of his desire to serve me and ease my burdens. He and my mother communicate, as my bishop requests. He is my landlord, and so there must be some communications in regards to his mail or house issues. My mother mediates our communications to keep things appropriate, as my divorce continues to drag on and on.

Last night, I learned of his desire and willingness to help me today. I want so much to follow counsel to perfection, but what am I to do when he is truly my only hope?? My last resort was unavailable, and I have that appointment in a few hours. What should I do?

I want to examine the question I posed earlier: “To what extent do we serve – or not serve?” We have been asked to “devote all [our] service in Zion; and in this [we shall] have strength (D&C 24:7).” The Lord gave and he gave when, to others, it might have seemed undesirable and inconvenient. This tells me that service is not about doing only that which we feel like doing at the time. Service is giving our time, efforts and talents when we are needed. Service is about letting go of our own agendas and desires, and being there for others. When we are needed, are we willing to drop what we are doing and come to another’s aid? If we are heading to the movies with our family, and receive a call that someone needs last-minute childcare due to something urgent, are we willing to put off that worldly pleasure for a service that will greatly ease another’s burden?

Over the past 18 months, I have experienced the service of so many wonderful, willing servants of our Father in Heaven. These individuals have come to my aid at times that were inconvenient, last-minute, and perhaps even uncomfortable for them. With their selfless willingness to step in when I have been so broken down with nowhere else to turn, my burdens have been lifted, peace has been restored to my soul, my mind has been calmly reassured, and I have felt immense love from them – and for them.

I believe my circumstances have caused me to have a greater understanding and compassion for other’s needs. I hope that my own experience will enable me to better acknowledge the needs of others, and I pray that opportunities will shower down upon my life. I desire to have an eye for service, single to God’s glory. Service is to be done quietly without the need for praise or recognition. Our purpose in serving should not be for our own glory, but for our Heavenly Father’s. When we point out to another all that we have done for them, have we truly given God all the glory – or do we want some of it for ourselves?

Thomas S. Monson once wrote, “Frequently we are too quick to criticize, too prone to judge, and too ready to abandon an opportunity to help, to lift, and, yes, even to save.” So, to what extent do we serve – or not serve? Are we ready to serve at a moment’s notice, or do we require plenty of notice? How willing are we to put aside whatever leisurely activity or indulgence we are enjoying, to help someone in need? Do we keep a tally of our service to another, or do we serve gladly, without keeping “score?” Who are we to serve? Are we only willing to help those we are comfortable with? Do we assist only the friends, family and neighbors we know? If a person is uncomfortable being around the elderly, does that mean they should not serve them? If we are not comfortable with clutter, will we not step into the home of a pack rat? Do we only serve the people we like and have things in common with?

When I answer these kinds of questions for myself, it always boils down to just one final question: “What would the Savior do?” If the Savior would serve anyone, at anytime, and do it gladly, lovingly, selflessly, compassionately – then I am to do likewise.

Jesus Christ is our ultimate example. How often do we talk about “being Christlike?” We may speak of it often, but are we actually doing it? Are we truly acting like the Savior and doing what He would do? I think it is the perfect litmus test, to consider what our Savior might do.

The world would have us think first of ourselves – what is most convenient for us, what we would rather be doing, and what is most comfortable. As Sheri Dew so beautifully put it, “Coming unto Christ means walking away from the world.” Walking away from the world means stepping outside our comfort zones, leaving personal agendas and desires behind – and cleaving to those sacred covenants we have made, and those commandments we gave been given to follow.

“Choose you this day whom ye will serve: … but as for me and my house, we will serve the Lord.” (Josh. 24:15.)

Oh, and one more thing...fifteen minutes ago, I received a phone call – help is on the way! I am so very grateful.

CTR

i chose to be happy today.

i heart my landlord

he is wonderful, folks! talk about a man that goes above and beyond the call of duty. in my home, everywhere i look, i can see his handiwork. many times, i haven't even had to ask. he knows that something needs done, and he does it! he does such a phenomenal job, too. i am beyond grateful. there is always so much on my plate - his help around here really eases my burdens. what a guy! hands off, everyone - he's MY landlord! nope, you can't have him! ha!

saturday!!

heart of the home

i am learning lots of valuable things when it comes to living in a house. for example: the garbage truck will not pick up yard debri if it's in big, black plastic bags. yeah, last week i dragged all those heavy black bags to the curb and they were never picked up. the recyclables collector guy (yeah, i also didn't know different trucks come for each different container) - he said they won't pick up the yard debri in black bags like that. well, i thought he meant they won't pick up yard debri in black bags just sitting on the curb. so i threw them into the trash cans, thinking that would suffice. well, they didn't pick them up. lesson learned. so, on monday night, i was out there with a pair of scissors at 10pm, cutting the bags away from all those sticks and leaves. it was a wet, dirty experience, but i am so glad i finally did it the right way. they came by this morning and dumped my yard debri into the truck. yay!

so, i am settling into this beautiful home with my cute, squishy children. people keep making comments about how my life must be so much nicer now. i've been feeling guilty about that, like i should automatically be happy and at peace because i am now living in a house. believe me, i am beyond thrilled to leave apartment life behind (especially since it started getting really smokey where i was living). however, just because i'm in a house rather than an apartment doesn't mean my challenges have gone away. i've been so stressed out lately, with taking care of my children, doing childcare, unpacking and settling in, trying to stay on top of my schoolwork, and all the usual life things like paying bills, running errands, cleaning, yadda yadda yadda...

i am feeling incredibly grateful to live in this house. what an amazing opportunity. what a gift! how nice, to have a backyard the children can play in! this morning, i sat on the bench swing and watched them run about and use the new swingset. it was so pleasant. i felt satisfied and happy. strange, because later this afternoon i was bawling on my friend's shoulder about how stressed out and overwhelmed i have been feeling. this house is a wonderful thing. life is still hard, though.

i have good friends and good family. i am so grateful for that. i've been feeling guilty about feeling stressed and overwhelmed. i guess you could say i am not giving myself permission to be a human being. with all the comments i've been getting about how living in a house equals happiness, i wondered if i was being ungrateful because i was still having a difficult time. my loving friends and family assured me that i still have so much on my plate, and living in a house doesn't make that go away. i don't even know if i am making complete sense right now. life is still difficult, but i am so happy to be here in this house.

i miss my best friend like nothing else. i can't wait til we can spend time together again. he doesn't complete me - rather, he adds to the richness i already have in my life. he brings more color and dimension to what i already possess. it's a beautiful thing. i appreciate him. i appreciate us. i appreciate me when i am with him. i've become a better person on my own, and he instills an even greater desire within me to rise to my potential, to be even better, to accomplish more, to give more, to experience more.

love is awesome. i adore him. i miss him. he is beautiful, inside and out. he's a good, good man - how rare! did i mention i miss him?? *sigh*

things have becoming increasingly difficult with the kids. there's been more fighting amongst them, more drama with my oldest daughter, and so on. i think a lot of it has to do with the fact that there is only one of me and i just never have the time! my daughter came home from her friends house, with lemon bread and chocolate chip cookies in her arms. her friend's mom is a "stay-at-home" mom and baked them from scratch. there was a time when i could do that. i used to bake with my children. i used to play more games, read more stories, give more hugs and have more one-on-one conversations than i do now. i am incredibly sad about it. i felt envious when i thought of this mother, baking and doing arts and crafts with the girls. me, whenever i have any spare time these days, i am catching up on schoolwork, throwing a load of laundry into the wash, attacking the dishes that fill the sink, or balancing my checkbook to see how much money i don't have. i can still remember how it felt when i was that lucky stay-at-home mom, able to give all her time and attention to her children. i really miss those days and i can honestly say i took that time for granted. if i am able to get that back one of these days, i will never take it for granted ever again.

i listen with longing, to my sisters and girlfriends, as they tell me about their fun-filled family vacations, how their kids are signed up for dance or soccer, or how they took their children to the zoo or the waterpark. i faintly smile as they complain about whatever their husband didn't do, or what thing he said to aggravate them. i listen, as she complains that her husband had to leave on business for the weekend and they weren't able to see him for two whole days. and i just think to myself..."hey...at least you have a husband. at least he is coming home soon."

in the heart of the home, there must be gratitude. the heart of the home measures life by blessings, not by wordly successes. it is not about keeping up with the joneses or filling the minutes of your day with things that bring pleasure only to yourself. the heart of the home is time spent together. it is in the eye contact that says, "i love you - and you matter to me." it is in the selfless deeds that go unnoticed. it is choosing to love your family members, even when they are acting unlovable. the heart of the home allows everyone to be human, yet encourages each individual to strive for their very best. i often wonder what condition the heart of my home is in. sometimes i feel like it's under attack. sometimes i want to run away from the daily noise, chaos, mess and responsibilities. sometimes i feel like no matter what i do, it's not good enough. at times, i feel unappreciated, unnoticed, stretched too thin...

but then all it takes are the tiny arms of my baby, wrapped around my neck - big, blue eyes, staring up at me...or my son sillily declaring, "my name is goo-goo!" and planting a big, wet kiss on my lips....or my daughter, stroking my arm and telling me to sit down because i work really hard....these bring me back to reality. the reality is, i am the heart of the home. my attitude, my disposition, my example - they all set the tone. what a great responsibility. i am overwhelmed. i am grateful. what a glorious undertaking.

moving day

it's 8am. the children have been dressed and bathed (not in that order). i am feeling happy, although my body is completely drained of energy from the lack of food and sleep. it's been a very chaotic, sloppy, incoherent kind of week as i've struggled to watch children, get bills paid, pack and keep up with school.

ah, school.

my brain is completely fried. can i just tell you how difficult it is, going back to school while being a "single" mom, AND doing childcare AND moving?!? yeah. somehow, i have managed to stay on top of things - barely. i have a paper due this saturday and i honestly did not think i'd be able to turn anything in. the assignment requires me to interview an educator and none of my contacts returned my calls or were even available. seems like everyone and their dog is on vacation right now. sheesh. anyway, at the last minute, someone came through for me. hallelujah!! i am thrilled that i will be able to complete this assignment. i tell ya, i can't stand turning in less than stellar work. however, sometimes - with this crazy life i lead - i have no choice other than mediocrity. sad, but true. at this point, i just want to pass.

because of the insanity which is my existence, i've been moving boxes over to the house whenever possible. i'd pack a few, then bring them over. sometimes i've even managed to unload them and bring empty boxes back. still, here i am on moving day, and there is still so much to pack - and i have run out of boxes. the men from church are coming at 6pm today to help, so i am going to work my butt off today (yeah, that thing doesn't seem to want to stay attached).

so, i am absolutely exhausted - but happy. today, i move into a house. the last time i lived in a house, was more than a decade ago, in the house i grew up in. there is nothing to stop the tears, when i think about my children being able to grow up in a house. this is huge. i don't know how to properly express the joy i feel, when we go over there and i watch my children run about freely in the backyard, or jump and stomp about in the house, with no fear of repercussions from downstairs neighbors. i feel so much love for the one who made this dream a reality for us.

the sweet lady who lived below us moved away. she put up with so much noise for several months. bless that woman!! we have new neighbors now, and like the neighbors diagonal of us, they smoke. i am incredibly grateful to be moving away from this. goodbye, apartment life!! goodbye....hopefully, forever.

i've thought a great deal about moving into this house - and staying in it for many, many years. i have envisioned so many memories that lay against the landscape of my future. my heart swells, as i daydream.

well, i suppose i should end this blog and get to work! today is a good day. *smile*

july 4th

we had a great july 4th!! this cul de sac neighborhood we are moving into has a huge party every 4th (and new year's eve). a couple neighbors at the end of the street work together, and they "host" the event. we were invited, so we went!

i think we arrived sometime in the 3 o'clock hour (after naptime). it was a bit intimidating, at first...walking into that street gathering and knowing no one. but actually i had met a few neighbors before, so those neighbors found me and helped make me comfortable. the kids had so much fun. they rode their bikes in the street (street was closed off for the party), there was a dunk tank and a slip and slide on someone's lawn. there was tons of food, music, volleyball, etc. what an amazing neighborhood, we're moving into!! it felt like a family reunion! everyone was incredibly nice. even the older teens were conversing with us and being helpful and attentive to the kids. around 9:30pm, they handed out sparklers and glow-in-the-dark sticks (that you can link together and turn into bracelets). the sparkler fun lasted for maybe half an hour as the guys prepped the fireworks! then at 10pm, everyone gathered on the lawns and there was a "show."

we watched the fireworks show with a "younger" family. they have two daughters: hannah (7) and jessica (10). the parents were incredibly fun and nice, and fairly new to the street themselves (about a year and a half). jim and brad (the dad) have the military in common, so they were getting along fabulously.

earlier in the day, i had left with james and jenna because i needed to do a couple things at home. jessica stayed behind, with jim. apparently, she met hannah a couple minutes after i left and they became instant friends! they were really cute together and i am excited that she has a little buddy to play with! i didn't see anyone james or jenna's age but i was told the ages range from 2-18. oh, when i returned to the party, jim had jessica's training wheels off her bike and was teaching her to ride. i loved that! i have wanted to do that for so long but have never been able to.

we had such a great time. i am so excited about living with these really fun, kind, generous people!! what a perfect place to live!! here are some pics from the day...