my life.

there are some things my youngest children will never have to experience, and i am elated for them. but my heart aches for my oldest three, as they endure the back-and-forth of visitation and the drama associated with life after divorce. gratefully, my youngest children will never know what it's like to have a father that bails. they will never know anything but a mom and dad that stay together in love. i am happy for me, to have such an incredible husband...and i am happy for them, to have the best dad imaginable. my joy extends to my oldest three...that, although they must deal with the ripple effect of their biological father's choices, they will always have us. together, we are a complete and eternal family...and even though my oldest three have a different father than their younger siblings, they all most certainly have the same DAD. 

my husband. he is A-M-A-Z-I-N-G. not a day goes by that he doesn't gush over his love for me. not a day goes by that i don't love and appreciate him for the man he is. and our children, all of them, see this love daily. our preteen may turn red and roll her eyes when we kiss in the kitchen, but i know she is glad to have two parents that are crazy about each other. the younger ones squeal and giggle when they see us snuggle and express our mushy love for one another. they are growing up with what they all deserve: two parents that are in love, in like, are completely devoted and committed to one another, and to the Lord.

recent events with my ex further solidify the reasons why God allowed this trial into my life, and later provided me with a good man and reliable father for my children. i've been saddened and deeply disappointed by my ex, time and time again, but like so many have pointed out to me, it shouldn't surprise me anymore. i suppose i am hopelessly optimistic when it comes to that man i used to be "mrs." with. he is the father of my children, and still has many of the same good qualities i used to adore. but he has allowed the world to consume him, and that is so tragic to me. money, status, things....they come first. my children ride in the metaphorical backseat of his world, and more often than not, he's not even in the driver's seat.

my children are wise, however. they know what "real" is. and what they don't realize now, they will realize when they are older. expensive gifts are not love. quality time, teaching gospel principles...that IS love. they know the difference between our two homes - they can feel it every time. holidays are never the same for them, when they are forced to go elsewhere. while i feel badly for them, i pray it only makes them stronger. and i pray they will take this knowledge and experience with them as they grow and eventually when they choose who they marry. my own poor choices led me to make a very poor choice in my first husband...but how can i ever regret those three beautiful children that came from that union? i don't even want to call it a marriage, because now i know what a real marriage is. 

when i watch our youngest son play, when i read books to him, when he snuggles up between my husband and i....i feel an overwhelming feeling of peace. he is SO blessed, and he doesn't even know it yet. my husband and i often speak of how lucky he is to have us, because we love each other...and no matter what life throws at us, we aren't going anywhere. and now, we have another baby on the way....another child that will experience that gift that seems so rare these days. the gift i was given as a child and still enjoy today: parents that stay happily married.

being MOM.

"one more kiss and a hug!" he says to me. my son has wandered out into the darkness of the upstairs hallway in search of me, just as he does every night. even though i already gave him a kiss and a hug, he wants more. and how could i possibly deny him?

so we walk back into his bedroom, his older brother already fast asleep on the top bunk. he hops into bed and flings his head back onto his pillow, arms outstretched, waiting for my embrace. my hands search the darkness for his flannel sheet, and then his comforter. quickly found, i pull them up to his chest and wrap my arms about him. instantly, he plants a big wet one on my lips and says, "i love you, mom. you're the most beautiful."

how i cherish motherhood.

interesting.

forgot to post this earlier. this comes from an article i came across on-line called "the blended family: dealing with stepmother negativity." hard not to notice that my children's stepmom has broken most of these basic rules...

Laura Petherbridge in her book ‘The Smart Step Mom’ gives some basic rules that stepmothers need to adhere to, to help bring peace and harmony into the home rather than alienation. A Stepmother:

• Acknowledges that it’s normal to love stepchildren differently than biological kids
• Takes time to understand children who are coping with loss and loyalty conflicts. Her goal is to ease grief whenever possible rather than create more chaos
• Doesn’t step hastily into her husband’s parenting role, even when he refuses to
• Respectfully discusses issues about the children privately with her husband
• Is prepared. She isn’t naïve or ambushed by complex stepfamily issues and is flexible to cope with matters that she didn’t see coming
• Tries to be at peace with the biological mom and asks God to help her see things from the biological mom’s viewpoint
• Does not try to become a replacement mother to children who already have one, nor does she insist that the children call her mom

work in progress.

on a much happier note, i am 16 weeks pregnant with our second baby! of course, i have my pregnancy blog that i recently started up again, but i had to mention it here as well. i heard the heartbeat on tuesday and it made me grin ear to ear. we are so blessed!!

life is good. jim was deployed for a year. it felt like an eternity but now that he's been back for a year it feels like he was never gone! i sure love that man of mine. i was just reading wayyyy back in this blog and it's amazing how far i've come. i can't believe what i went through back then. it certainly made me stronger and i will always be grateful for that refiner's fire.

old problems remain in the past but new problems arise. you can't get away from troubles. whether you invite them in with your own poor decisions or it is thrust upon you by a person or event...troubles will touch each of us. what matters is what we do with them. will they have power over us or will we choose to take it as an opportunity for personal growth? i am glad i have this blog to remind me what i've learned along the way. i am so grateful for every trial i've met because each one has been a gift from God - a chance to become the woman He knows i can become.

i am not perfect. in fact, i am so very far from perfect. but each day i am learning, falling down and getting back up again. isn't that why we are here, to learn and progress? we will never be exactly who we want to be, or should be...but it's always something to strive for. and i'm striving.

more of the same

talk about sad and ironic that the last post i wrote one and a half years ago is about the very same ugliness i was dealing with just last week! yep, more of the same. *sigh*

first off...i completely forgot i had this personal blog! it's funny because i actually got the motivation to blog again from my children's stepmom. in past e-mails to me, she's often referred to my blogs (as well my friends that follow and/or comment) as being pathetic, as if i do it for those around me to stroke my ego, validate me, get attention, etc. actually, the purpose of my blogs has always been to enable my friends (especially the far-away ones) to stay up-to-date on the goings on of my existence AND it has been almost like a journal for myself (since i am terrible at keeping a hand-written one). i can't tell you how fun it was for me to go back and read all these old posts, all the way back to my "single mom" days!

anyway, each time she referred to my blogging, i'd laugh to myself (or with jim) because...i wasn't even blogging! my blogs have sat dormant for quite some time. so i had no clue what she was talking about. i recently started my pregnancy blog up again, but that obviously has nothing to do with her. any past mention of her was, well...a year and a half ago. i think i'm like most busy moms who try to keep a blog about family, recipes, exercise, etc...post faithfully for a little while then fall off the face of the blogging world map. so i figure since she seems to think i'm an avid blogger, i might as well be one. HA! i can thank her for the inspiration.

so, to update this *lovely* situation... despite my good efforts to turn things around, things have not improved with my children's stepmom. in fact, they are worse. at some point, things seemed to improve. i sent her a mother's day card last year and truly felt love towards her when i sent it. it didn't last long, unfortunately. my children continued to come home with some new story about her judging me as a mother, or ridiculing our religion. the constant barrage of hate from her was totally uncalled for and i didn't understand it. it was as if she was searching for negatives while i was seeking to find the positives. we just never came together. and how could we? she clearly does not want to get along. still...i kept trying to extend that proverbial olive branch, hoping she'd catch on.

so after more long, hateful e-mails from her last week, i decided it was time to (once again) block her. i can't have her negativity in my life. the only reason we need to communicate is in regards to transporting my children, since she is the main person doing the driving. everything else should be between my ex and myself. in a perfect world, i would love to be her friend and have a relationship beyond transporting the kids back and forth, but that clearly isn't going to happen. her opinions are unwarranted, unsolicited, unnecessary, unproductive. i will never understand her need for negativity and drama...and i want no part in it.

she's told me a few times that she holds nothing back, doesn't care if she speaks her truth and hurts anyone in the process. she is unapologetic for her lack of filter and need to say absolutely everything she thinks and feels. i don't see this as a positive trait. not every feeling needs expressed and not every thought needs divulged..especially if it is hurtful. there has been so much i wanted to say back to her but i held back, knowing it would be pointless and possibly damaging. holding the tongue can be difficult, but it's the right thing to do. a friend reminded me of something from the scriptures...

Proverbs 29:11 - A fool vents all his feelings, but a wise man holds them back.

Proverbs 29:20 - Do you see a man hasty in his words? There is more hope for a fool than for him.

reading the scriptures always brings me back to where i need to be. it helps me forget myself and see how tiny my problems actually are. in the big picture, none of this matters. and so, i return my focus to those who know me and love me and are not blinded by their own perceptions or by gossip. i am fully confident in who i am...and when you know who you are, how can anyone's words hurt? words from a fool have no power.

kinda funny, after all these years i actually find it pleasant to communicate with my ex. oh, the things that surprise us. i hold no animosity....just moving on from the madness.

backstory: the other woman

so my ex has been married for nine months now. i was thrilled, when they married, because it meant my children would no longer be exposed to their father inappropriately living with a strange, new woman. i was also hoping this would mean he'd step it up as a parent. whenever he had a new woman in his life, he seemed happier and was easier to deal with. he'd also spend more quality time with our children, in an effort to appear as "Super Dad" to whoever his current flame was. i also hoped the canceled weekends might lessen, if he settled down again and went back into some form of family mode.

she seemed nice at first, this new girlfriend. i was (and still am) grateful that she was nice to my children. however, things began to change quickly. the occasionally cordial and cooperative ex husband who once came to the door when dropping the children off began to completely ignore me. the new woman seemed to take over all communications, overnight. it was as if he'd found the perfect secretary/sitter to take care of his duties. i couldn't tell if these were his wishes or hers. in fact, i never knew of her existence until one rainy night when she showed up at my house to deliver a payment to me. i felt sorry for her. i genuinely hoped she'd be okay with him, and not endure what i had.

not long after that, he was living with her. it seemed so sudden, and i worried greatly about how this would affect my children. i was disappointed in him. as for the new woman in his life, she seemed nice enough. i was happy for him, and hoped this relationship might stick where the others had been temporary flavors of the month. in time, they moved into their own apartment. it appeared he might remain in this relationship, and i was glad....hopeful, even, that it would result in marriage and *fingers crossed* not end in a third divorce for him.

one day he informed me that he had a "business trip to california" - which happened to fall on his scheduled weekend. i thought it was odd that he'd 1) have a business trip on the weekend like that and 2) have a business trip to california which had never happened before. other things seemed "off" but, no matter. i was very used to him canceling on me, leaving me to figure out what to do and/or cancel my own plans. later, i discovered his supposed "business trip to california" was actually a trip with his girlfriend to hawaii. hmm...and after all that complaining about how he was so poor and his inability to help me buy school supplies for our children.

it time, they were engaged. and last year, married. since then, she has become extremely pushy. her "in-your-face" manipulative demeanor and sense of entitlement has become horribly aggravating to deal with. she attempted to friend me on facebook, which i thought was nice at the time, but i declined. i explained if she wasn't married to my ex, we might be friends, but i needed some semblance of privacy and didn't feel i'd have that if my world was that exposed to them. she seemed to respect that. but then i began getting a barrage of messages from her. emails, texts, facebook messages... and they weren't very nice. they were nice on the surface, yet filled with sarcasm and nasty jabs. it got to the point where i had to shield myself from it by blocking her on facebook as well as text messaging. i informed my ex (who had totally faded to the background at this point) that i had these children with him - not her - and if there were any issues regarding our children, he needed to communicate directly to me, not through her. there was no reason i should be dealing with his new wife....especially when she was filled with so much unwarranted animosity. i sought advice from good friends who are stepmoms and really tried to see things from her point of view, understanding what it must be like to be her. but i couldn't get past her totally unnecessary, mean undercuts. i am sure my ex has filled her head with all sorts of crazy ideas about me, and so i take much of it with a grain of salt. a lot of it isn't her fault, i am sure. she's just a girl who fell in love with a charming guy and is now trying to find her place in this family. i get that. and strangely enough, i still feel bad for her, even after all the nasty remarks she's made towards me. i've known my ex way longer than she has. there is a history there that she knows nothing about (well, only whatever he's chosen to reveal).

today i went to the temple with my sisters. i put several names on the prayer roll....including hers. it felt so good to be in that spiritual place. i was able to focus completely on the immense joy and peace that abides there in such great abundance. you see, i'd received yet another e-mail from my ex's wife, which was especially "below the belt." i will delve into that later. for now, let's just say....i was shocked. i couldn't get over the audacity of this woman, whose seemingly sweet words were filled with venomous intent. so....to attend the temple on the same day i'd received such a thing....was beautiful.

i am continually grateful for this beautiful, blessed life i lead. my children are healthy, safe and happy. my husband is a good man, cherishes me, respects me....and in return has all my love, admiration, respect, adoration and support. there is a beautiful peace which resides inside my soul because i have a husband i can trust, whether he is in the next room or on the other side of the world. what a blessing that is! i never knew what that was like, until jim came into my life. heavenly father raised the bar exceedingly high, for the next man i would marry. jim has surpassed that....and then some.

taking a sick day.

it's been a while. hello.

i am feeling sick today. that heavy-head, sore throat, achey, tired kind of feeling. i've been watching my friend's girls for her, but not today. i am really disappointed, too, because this was my "last" day with them before her sister takes over the job. life is what happens when you make plans, eh?

so, since i am feeling blah (and the kids are playing quietly out in the hall where i can see them), i thought i'd pop in here for a quick update. i just read my last post, and although it's all very true, i think i say too much. still, this is my private blog and it's nice to vent to a small audience. *grin*

however, i would like to get the point where i don't feel the need to vent at all, not even the tiniest bit. possible? perhaps...

i love, love, LOVE books - especially children's books. i've been perusing amazon.com (aka, our bread and butter) for a while and collecting a list of books i want to get for the kiddos from the new library (which is bee-yoo-tee-ful, btw).

while perusing, i came across a book from my childhood!! it's so funny because i was just telling jim about this book, not that long ago. i told him i couldn't remember the name of it, but i told him the story. well, to my great excitement, there was that same, familiar cover staring back at me from my laptop screen. yay!! i quickly added it to my amazon wish list.

the joys of visitation.

i just vented about my ex for about five paragraphs. probably better to keep that to myself. *smile*

the kids are back after another weekend with their biological father. they call him by his first name. that should tell you something.

the "business trip" he claimed to have to go on during one of his scheduled weekends with our children...ended up producing a ring on his girlfriend's finger. hmm. according to him, he is completely broke and "scraping by" - and yet they just got back from vacationing in california and hawaii? something smells fishy. i suppose that's where our child tax credit ended up...

ah, the joys of life after divorce....

tonight, as usual....they were dropped off late. and we don't even get a call or text. after 30 minutes went by, i texted him....

me: hey, are you going to be here soon?
him: in about 4 hours....
(because he is known for his lies and sarcasm....i can't tell if this is real or if he's trying to mess with me)
me: excuse me? 4 hours?
him: did u sneeze?
(oh brother. this is when i mentally roll my eyeballs and think to myself, "are you kidding me?? grow up, dude.")
me: are you five? LOL Seriously though...what's the story?
him: in a half
(suddenly i hear my children at the front door. i come down, and we let them in. my ex remains in the car with his girlfriend and then they drive off. he always avoids face to face conversations with me. then i get another text message....)
him: aren't they in the house? I can put it in a bedtime story if you like.
(now I'm thinking, "Is this guy on something?? Why is he messing with me and being so weird?")
me: please stick to what the agreement says...kids home by 7pm. If you're going to be late or want to keep them longer, you need to run it by me. Thx!
him: you need to stick to the agreement too...After Jessica is out of school and if there's no school the time still stays....Or is it okay for u to choose and not us?
me: (slightly confused by his wording and meaning...and annoyed because we've had this same conversation a bazillion times.....i give no response.)
him: What's wrong? Did u get up on the wrong side of the bed today?
(at this point, i am sharing the bizarre texts with jim. we are laughing our heads off as we think up all the different responses that could be used here. we finally decide on something random, to show i'm not in a bad mood at ALL, i have a sense of humor, and basically just to put an end to the stupid texting.....)
me: pervert. :o)

seriously....what's he going to say to that? jim and i had a good laugh. i sure love my husband. dealing with my very immature, hits-below-the-belt, sarcastic, self-absorbed ex-spouse only reminds me how very blessed and lucky i am to have such an incredible companion. my husband...so smart, loving and faithful. my best friend....so funny, supportive and kind. wow, i am so grateful i am married to him and not my ex!! THIS is what love is.

so my ex is engaged. i truly hope it will last. i honestly want them to hurry up because this living together thing is such a bad example to our children. it's so hard for us to send them there every other weekend, to a place with completely different values. we worry about what they'll be exposed to, every time they go. all we can do is teach them, lead by example and pray, pray, PRAY!!

it's good to have my children back. this is their HOME, where they belong. they tell us that my ex is trying to get them to call his girlfriend "mom" or that she will be their mom once they are married. that bothers me, because they only have one mommy - and that's me. last time i checked, i was the one that carried them inside me for nine months, gave birth to them and breastfed them. sure, she'll be their stepmom and she seems like a pretty decent person. but i know they aren't comfortable with the thought of calling her anything but her first name. i sure hope they don't try forcing my children to call her something they don't want to call her. that's not okay.

ohhh...the drama-lamma-lamma continues!! this is my life. i certainly never wanted this kind of life, but it is what it is, right?! i'll make the best of it. i will continue to focus on the happiness within the walls of my own home. i have so many blessings, it's easy to block out out the nonsense by reminding myself of all that i do have.

and i have so much.

friendship.

as the pot of sticky oatmeal from this morning soaks in the kitchen sink, and the kids settle into some cars and baby playtime, i thought i'd take a moment on here. i tend to forget this semi-private blog exists. and when i do write, i tend to be so immersed in thought that i forget i have an audience (sorry about that). when you come here, you're getting the contents of my brain. this is where i can vent, be vulnerable, and voice my thoughts...and a choice few will get to read my words, if they so choose to log in.

one very important thing when reading my blog is not to read into things too deeply, take things too literally, etc. my husband has access (hi babe!) and he is a very literal thinker. but he knows me. those closest to me understand how i work, and i appreciate that so much. this is why i cherish close, intimate relationships so much. i want to share the details of my life and in exchange, feel most loved when those in relationships with me share the details of theirs. no, this does not mean they lose their privacy. *smile* this simply means that if they're going on vacation, i knew about it, because we keep in touch. it means if someone they love is dying, i know that, too...so i can be a support for them and it's me they want to lean on. and many times, it means they call me just to say "i saw the funniest commericial just now!!" and i do the same. it's the big things and the small things. but when i feel a relationship slipping away, or that my fervor about the relationship is not reciprocated, i might go into protective mode. i try not to do this. it's my natural reaction. when i find myself doing this, i have to remind myself, "don't dwell. just let it go."

because i feel so deeply, i also hurt so deeply. i know some that have been hurt in the past, and so they keep their friends at arms length. they don't want to feel that pain of rejection again, and so they shield themselves. i understand that completely because i've done the same. however, when we do that, we are missing out on the joy of a tightly knit bond. there is a magical unspoken secret that occurs when you find someone you connect with impeccably. much of the time, we find a connection with someone who doesn't feel quite the same as we do, and it can be disappointing, even devastating. but then there are shared connections that last a lifetime. i have been so blessed to have met those "soul mate" kind of friends in my life. even if months go by (and i am speaking about my out-of-state friends here), that bond is still there. i have a few best girlfriends i left behind when i left idaho. i think about them all the time and we keep in touch here and there. i consider them close to my heart because i know i am close to theirs. they make it known to me, and i make it known to them.

so, in a previous blog i was talking about the drama i cause. this mostly has to do with family. i rarely have drama issues within friendships. in fact, i can count on one hand the dramatic episodes i've had as an adult. it just doesn't happen. the norm for me is that my friendships just flow naturally. i like that. that's how it ought to be! i consider myself a very good, loyal friend. when i'm in a great, reciprocal friendship, i am myself, generous, supportive, and so on.

but sometimes, something happens that might challenge a relationship. it can even make or break a friendship - if the people involved allow it. to me, the test of a true friendship is survival and forgiveness. genuine friendship will be open and honest, even if it's painful or uncomfortable. this is true because true friendship values a committment. it weathers any storms that comes. i liken this very much to marriage. if there is a shared value of loyalty to the friendship, there is nothing the two can't face together.

i once had a best friend (i thought) who viciously turned on me, without explanation. it is so hard to gain closure in a situation when the person won't even speak to you! it took me two years to get over that. two years!! from that, i learned: i am a dweller. i dwell and dwell and dwell.

i think that experience prepared me for an even worse one. four years later, i lost a good friend through the divorce. she had been my friend for years, and yet she chose to remain friends with my ex instead of me. she never even said goodbye. it was surreal, uncomfortable, VERY painful. you'd think i'd protect myself after those two hurdles, but i still choose to be vulnerable in my friendships. why? because when you find a true and lasting friendship, there's nothing like it in the world. and now i know that those two friendships....were never really friendships. true friendship endures.

for some reason, i haven't been able to find the same type of closeness in friendship that i've had in the past. it's frustrating when my best friends are in utah, idaho, california...the east coast!! i've been close to a few people here in washington, but not quite to the level i'm used to having in my best friendships. still, i cherish the moments and seasons i've experienced with my friends here. i've decided to take what i can get, and give what i can...and just let things "be." i've prayed for best friends in the past, and Heavenly Father delivered. i know that if i ask again, it will happen. someone in this town surely needs a friend right now, and that friend could be me!

with all that said, i am missing my best friend right now. she's amazing. she's the kind of friend i love having.... she just shows up! when she shows up, she's a great listener. she makes me laugh so hard that we leave with six packs. the friendship comes so easy. it's uber-comfortable! she'd crawl into bed with me and watch a chick flick. i can bawl on her shoulder and she can bawl on mine. we might talk three times a day, every day...or a whole week might go by with zero contact. and yet, we never stop thinking about one another. now THAT is a friendship i can get on board with. i am lucky, lucky, lucky to have her. i wish everyone could experience such a close friendship like that. everyone deserves it. it's so rare, and i have it!

just wish it wasn't in another state. :o(

lessons learned.

Don't be yourself - be someone a little nicer. ~Mignon McLaughlin

i posted this quote on facebook because i've been thinking a lot about it lately. with some recent drama in my life, it's been the perfect opportunity for personal inventory. i know i'm not horribly evil and i'm not a saint, either. i am somewhere in between. i'd like to think i'm closer to the good side, but i have my days...

in the distant past (and even the recent past), i have allowed my choices to be fueled by passion. the vehemency, the fervor of my feelings can get me in trouble. i might feel i'm in the pursuit of something noble, that i'm the injured party, or that i have some sort of mission to fulfill. i may feel totally justified. thing is, i am blinded by whatever emotions are ruling me at the time. rather than following the sage advice of "striking when the iron is cold," i tend to move with great force when the emotional tide pulls me. if i feel offended, i take action. if i feel wronged, i confront. if i am sad, i withdraw. and so on...

it's frustrating for me, to only see error in retrospect. i'm always striving to better myself from the inside out. here is a flaw i need to master. how do i initiate self control when i begin by feeling like i'm not doing anything wrong? in fact, i begin by feeling I AM RIGHT!! it is only after the fact - after the decisions have been made - do i see the damage that has been done.

i have a good heart. i am an extremely sensitive person. i want close relationships. i want people to do the right thing. i want the underdog to win. i want to feel good at the end of the day.

not too long ago, i was pushing for something that i believed was the right thing. i still do. however, i overlooked the agency of others. in the midst of the struggle, i realized i had to let it go because i am not in control, and that's okay. the underdog did not win that day, but i did what was right and that's all that matters. the world will not collapse if i don't have control over the situation!

in the end, i need to just keep reminding myself that all i can control is ME. i know very well that if a person wants to leave, they will leave. i learned this the hard way. if an opportunity arises for someone to make a positive impact in another person's life, and they do nothing....it is what it is. i can't judge them. i can't make them do the right thing.

but I can do the right thing.

so, in my journey of self-discovery, i've learned (and must continue to commit to learning) that everyone has their own life. everyone has their own lessons to learn. we color one another's lives with our choices, our actions, even our lack of action. the important thing is that as we go about making our decisions and reaching for our own goals...that we are kind along the way. that we are cogniscent of how our actions might impact another person's life.

this week, i will strive to be better than my natural self. i'll keep you posted. :o)

i. am. tired.

hello, tired. i'm sleepy. nice to meet you.

a bit of a conundrum... i can't sleep until my husband is ready for bed. i'm cursed with ridiculously light sleep and i am sure it annoys people. it certainly annoys me. if i go to sleep and then later he comes in to shower and pick his clothes out for the next day, i will wake up. if i wake up, it's nearly impossible to fall back asleep. it really bites.

to solve this (kinda), i stay up very late. i stay up and wait for him (well, i am also up chatting with a girlfriend and/or watching something like project runway or housewives of OC, but anyway, i digress...). i tend to stay up later than i normally would, because i'm waiting for him. if i wasn't waiting on him, i might do my thang, then hit the sack. but when i am done doing whatever, and i'm ready to go to bed and he's not....i stay up further. last night, for example, he was on-call (as he often tends to be). i had worked out earlier and was not ready to go to bed just yet. first, we had a heart-to-heart at the kitchen table about some stuff. i am so grateful to have a husband who is an excellent listener AND is full of sage advice and wise thoughts for me to ponder. afterwards, i went upstairs and watched a show i'd dvr'd (the tori spelling one - LOVE that show!). i went downstairs and checked on jim...still working. so i read my scriptures, i enjoyed a face mask. check on jim...still working. when he's working like that, he can't leave his laptop...not even to take a quick shower. so i went back upstairs and watched more dvr'd shows. by this time, i was exhausted. i went downstairs again and the poor man was still at it. i felt so bad for him, but at the same time - i need sleep!! so he suggested i just pick his clothes out for him and he'd shower in the kid's bathroom. so, i basically stayed up an extra two hours for nothing.

blahhhh.

so then, after a couple hours of sleep, jackson wakes up! he was NOT happy. i changed him, fed him, slathered him in creams and ointments (his skin has been bothering him)...he was inconsolable. ugh, awful night. after an hour, i took my exhausted self and my pissed off baby and woke jim up. he gave jackson a blessing. jackson continued to fuss and squirm and scream. i needed a break from jackson because of my agitated state....but then returned and jim went back to sleep. the screaming continued for the next hour and i was beside myself. i finally just had to close the door and return to bed. i could hear him screaming. soooo frustrating!! after what seemed like an eternity, he quieted.

and then i couldn't fall asleep.

arghh!!!!! and THEN, when i finally began to drift off...guess who woke up and started to scream again?!! i dragged my sorry self in there and picked him up. again, he wasn't comfortable. he was squirmy and fussy. after about 15 minutes of trying to rock him back to sleep, i gave up and placed him in his crib. i rubbed his back and walked out. he was still crying.

it's been ten minutes. he's asleep again. *sigh*

and i am wide awake, writing this blog. night's like these are why i need to go to bed much, MUCH earlier than i do.

light bulb moment

i've struggled on and off with a certain relationship, for quite a long time. sometimes i feel close to my friend, sometimes i feel like i'm in a galaxy far, far away from her. some days, i'll feel like her best friend, and other days i'll feel like she has completely forgotten that i exist. i've had to remind myself that this relationship will never be what i wish it would be. the reason for my misery? my own unmet expectations. and isn't that the way it is, with most anyone or anything? if we have expectations and those expectations are not met, we suffer inside. it's our very own self-created world of pain.

so the light bulb goes on.... don't have expectations!!

{okay, so i am bleeping this part out to explain myself. i wrote this about ME. it didn't come off that way. i think i am going to rewrite this after much thought....and make it more about what i intended, which would be my own sensitivities and how i cause disappointment in my own life for no one's fault other than my own. so, to be continued....in an entirely different way....}

killer husband.

my husband is a murderer.... and i couldn't be more proud!!

Giant House Spider (Tegenaria Gigantia)

too bad all the money we're spending on terminix doesn't phase these guys!

defying gravity.

this is my new phone:

my beloved pink phone died a couple weeks ago, so i was forced to replace it. i've never been great at change....but i needed something asap so i went with the gravity. it has a keypad which i thought i'd love but i find myself missing the old way. i am also missing the pink. the box it came in had the rebate ripped off so the guy gave me an instant rebate (i liked that). however, i think someone once owned this phone because an alarm was set on it (it went off at 3am...GRR!!) and there were some random photos of ladies on it, along with some weird ringtone that sounds like james brown everytime someone calls me. i haven't yet figured out how to get rid of that thing.



friends think i should get a new virgin phone. jim said i should just keep this one. but when i noticed a scratch in it, he said i should definitely take it back. but now that i've been loading up my phone book (which takes forever), i feel too lazy to go back and get it replaced. blah!

rough patch.

today was hard. emotionally. physically.

first, bizarre awkwardness. i won't go into details, but things seem to have changed in a relationship and i don't get it. maybe i am hyper-sensitive because things are different ever since having jackson. i don't have the same freedom to come and go as i used to, so my ability to be a friend has been replaced by others. i'm trying to remind myself that this is just a season in my life. true friendships will weather anything. it's extremely frustrating to put a certain amount of emotion, time and energy into a relationship, only for it to go nowhere...or be inconsistent. it's hard to put one's heart on the line, become totally vulnerable...only to feel disappointment and/or rejection. seems to be a recurring theme in my life and i don't know why. certainly doesn't get any easier though. hurts every time, because i put my whole self into it. i certainly do not want to become jaded. today i've decided to just focus on the relationships that are actually solid....going somewhere...dependable....not confusing....not painful. i admit, i'm sad. but i realize i have been sad on and off for a long time because of my own naive expectations. i can't make something what it clearly is not. i'm bummed. why is it that i have found best friends everywhere but here? i don't want surface friendships and i don't want yo-yo friendships. i've been yo-yo'd enough over the past few years. *sigh*

today i took the kids to a get-together even though i came down with mastitis. it was for them much more than it was for me, since i'd promised them we'd go but i wasn't feeling well. despite feeling absolutely horrible, i made a whole bunch of food this morning to take and share (why i kill myself like that, i will never know). i did my best to socialize through the waves of dizziness and nausea but that didn't go over so well. it's frustrating to not feel like oneself and feel awkward and lonely in a room filled with people. i stayed as long as possible, so my kids could play....otherwise i would have left much earlier. i have another "play date" tomorrow, with friends from my ward. i sure hope i'm feeling up to it because it sounds like it's going to be fun. and i never want to miss an opportunity to strengthen these friendships. still, it's close to midnight and i'm still feeling the pain and flu-like symptoms. hopefully i will wake feeling worlds better. *crossing fingers*

mastitis is hell. really. ever had it?? it's not fun. i made a last-minute appointment with my obgyn today because i knew i needed antibiotics. unfortunately, they wouldn't just do it over the phone. so i asked my sister if she could meet me there and watch my children in the waiting area. she did. i tell you, arriving at the doctor's office and seeing my sister waiting for me there was like getting a ray of sunshine. after my appointment, i was going to head home because i was getting worse. but my sister insisted i get the medicine, asap. she offered to go with me and i was so grateful. i couldn't have handled it on my own. we put the kids in the play area at the store and walked around together, waiting for the prescription to be ready. although i felt awful, we joked and laughed about random stuff. having a sister is a beautiful thing. as i told my sister today, it's like having a built-in best friend. i sure needed that today. she said she'd be my best friend substitute anytime.

back at home, i could feel myself withering away. the pain increased, my fever became worse, and i couldn't get myself off the couch. thank goodness for naptime. all three children slept as i laid there, feeling horrible and thinking about everything. jim came home early and took over. he's wonderful. i connected with friends as i laid there with my new cell phone. i am still trying to figure that thing out. i was texting back and forth with my BFF and when i tried to add a ringtone to her name, i ended up calling her. it was a pleasant accident...good to hear her voice. i also spoke with a good friend who (unfortunately) lives on the east coast. see, why are my peeps so far away?!? anyway...she just discovered she's having twins. i'm elated for her.

i wonder why some people need friendships and hobbies while others do just fine without them. i partly envy my mom because she never had the desire for girlfriends or "me time." her world was her six children, and my father. it was the same for my dad. they had each other and that was that. no wonder they worked out so beautifully.

i wish i didn't feel so restless.

decisions, decisions....

the kids are gone this weekend. jim is (hallelujah!!) not on-call. i have wanted to paint the living/dining rooms for the longest time. do we paint, or take advantage of the weekend alone and go do something (with jackson in tow, of course)?? and if we don't paint and we decide to go somewhere....where should we go??

or should we stay and paint?

ugh.

what to do....

sweet links!!!

here are a couple AWESOME links that put a smile on my face and made my day. i just LOVE feel-good stuff like this...

do the "do-re-mi!!" (how cool would it have been, to be there when this happened?!?)

talent shocker (i love when people prove others wrong!!)

and it just gets weirder.

my life has felt surreal for a few years now: an unexpected pregnancy (jenna), a devastating (and also unexpected) divorce, a taste of single motherhood, a remarriage and an instant family, and a new pregnancy (due any day now). i have never been very good with change. much of the time, it's difficult for me unless i planned the change myself. as soon as something changes, my life course is altered - whether greatly or slightly - and over time i make do, and adjust. pretty soon, i accept and get used to the changes. some things are harder to accept than others, though. for example, part of me is still reeling from the divorce. it happened a year and a half ago, but since i was married for almost a decade and never thought it would ever happen to me, i continue to adjust and have a difficult time with its ripple effect (affect? i can never get those straight).

this past weekend presented yet another ripple. my ex asked if we could switch weekends around, and then explained why he wants this. apparently, the man who left the Church and left me with three children is now dating an LDS mother of three. wow.

WOW.

naturally, this news shocked and confused me. i've been used to the idea of him dating and have even met a couple of the women he's seen. sure, it was weird to smile and shake hands with them, but these were single women without children who had a similar lifestyle as him (drinking, carefree fun, blah blah blah). so, to get the news that he is pursuing a relationship with someone who has a life much like the one he recently ran away from, it's disturbing to me. i had my "me" weekend all planned out, but then i got this strange, surprising news from him and it weighed so heavily on my mind, i found it difficult to fully enjoy myself.

my head was suddenly filled with all kinds of questions and concerns. apparently, this woman is trying to return to Church and is dating my ex, who has left the Church and now drinks with questionable people. this woman has children, and i don't know her story at all, but if her story is anything like mine, i am very worried about her. she's a single mom who has obviously been through something. knowing what i know about my ex husband, i am genuinely concerned that she is in for more rough waters. my ex would think my concerns are...well...NOT my concern. but how can i not wonder what this new relationship is going to mean for all parties involved? the most important, of course, being the children. so yeah, i am deeply concerned.

i have considered that my ex may one day change his ways and return to the gospel, which would be great! however, i have a hard time believing it's happening right now. if a young, single mom wants a gospel-centered life and she's dating a man who drinks socially, has a particular addiction, bad language and a short fuse, how can that possibly be a good thing?? what will happen to her goals, her success in life? i don't know who this woman is, but i'm really worried about her and her children. is that weird??

i keep thinking about a friend of mine, who is an LDS single mother. she is trying to be active in Church but makes the worst choices in men. i absolutely love my friend and wouldn't want her to ever date a man like my ex husband. in fact, when she's told me about similar guys she's been dating, i warn her and give her advice. sure, these guys are sweet on the surface. they have charm, charisma, a cool job, a fun personality....but what do these things really mean?? what is all that surface stuff going to do for a struggling single mother? just as i wanted stability and a help-meet with lasting qualities when i was on my own with three small children, i want the same for my friend. i want the same for this unknown woman who is dating my ex husband. i want the same for all women who've been in these shoes.

when i am presented with new information, my brain branches out in all directions. i think of the past and how damaging it was. i think of how past decisions have affected our present. and i think about what may happen in the future. obviously, if this woman is getting back into Church and my ex wants a "complete" relationship with her, they'd probably get married. that would be his third marriage and her - who knows?? the success rate goes down, down, down. my children would grow up knowing her and her children...and what if it didn't last? if this woman falls away from the Church again, like my ex, what will that do? these thoughts only scratch the surface of what's going on in my head. i really don't think my ex thinks of these things. he just sees something shiny and happily skips after it. he doesn't always consider the consequences and/or how it will affect others. i wonder if this woman, this mother of three, would be dating him, if she knew how he'd left another mother of three. i just don't get it. i wonder what her story is...

so my surreal life just got more surreal. what can i say?? it's a painful reminder of all that has transpired. it feels odd, unfair, confusing, questionable, upsetting.....weird. very weird.

can't sleep

1) i have insomnia. i'm WIDE awake and it totally bites.

2) i am still a newlywed, getting used to sleeping next to a new person.

3) jackson is moving around quite a bit

4) i'm hungry

5) i have a lot on my mind, mostly having to do with friendship. i wrote a blog about this but decided not to post it. just wishing i had a best friend nearby...

6) i'm nauseous

7) i'm catching up on people's blogs and realizing i haven't visited these blogs in quite a while. oopsie!

8) i know if i return to bed, i'm just going to lay there - wide awake. but now i am feeling too icky to sit here any longer....so i guess that's exactly what i'm gonna do.

My Jimmy...

stacy tagged me....so here we go!

Where we met: MySpace...kinda (it's complicated)
How long we dated before we got hitched: about 5 months
How long have we been married: 8 months....wow!
What's my fav feature about him: his eyes...especially when they are smoldering in my direction
What's my fav quality about him: his dedication....to me, to my children, to the Church, to his career, to his country. he's incredible.
What's his nickname for me: sweetheart or honey....or baby, or shmoopsie-poo or sweet cheeks... j/k
His fav color: cobalt blue
His fav food: pigs in a blanket (hot dogs wrapped in crescent rolls)
His fav sport: well, unless you call intricate computer code a sport...hehe. he isn't into sports (thank goodness), but i'll say paintball. is that considered a sport??
Who said the L word first: hard to recall. it's all a blur. i think it was him.
First kiss, when and where: also a blur. i should probably go over this important info with him to make sure we have our story straight. haha!
Fav couple thing to do: eat at qdoba, watch movies, play othello...
How many kids: 3 from my previous marriage and one on the way (his first!)
His hidden talent: juggling
His age: 35
His fav music: new age, instrumental kind of stuff. he enjoys manheim steamroller and yanni.
What I admire most about him: his choice to marry and provide for a woman with three children. i don't know of of many men that would not only do that, but genuinely LOVE the children, as he does mine. they call him daddy and he's an amazing father.
His fav pastime: talking to me, kickin' back with a good movie, working on the computer, playing video games
Will he read this: he's interested in me....so i will say yes. that, and he'll want to know what i am saying about him. :o)

I TAG MY GIRLS:
shallyn
karissa
shasta
keri
janae
brianne